(Closed) Pedophile In the Family

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

We’re lucky we had the support of our parents.  I was also lucky that he admitted it, so they never said I made it up.  That would have been devestating!  My family has never been blatantly cruel, but in some ways, they were.  When he was invited,it felt like a slap in the face.  When I was an adult I told my parents some of the things he had done to me.  They told one of our family members, and they haven’t had him over again.  They thought he had touched me once, and that we were over reacting.  They didn’t realize how extensive his molstation was.  Luckily for us, they have been much more supportive since then.

Post # 78
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I broke off my previous engagement to another man because I found out he had molested a 2 year old boy 9 years previously and never told anyone.  I was devastated.  It was my high school sweetheart and we had been together for 7 years.  For more details it is one of my threads called “One broken hearted bee needing support.”  I ran, got a ton of therapy and eventually turned him into CPS.  But the thing that surprised me the most is how many family reacted.  This sort of thing makes you realize who has their priorities straight.  My mom is still pissed at me over a year after the break up because she wanted me to give my ex another chance and now it kills her that I am so moved on and am marrying someone else.  Pedophiles are conniving and charismatic and they have this effect on people.  The have an ability to make everyone really enjoy their company and pity them.  I saw the same thing in my family after I told them why I had to end my engagement.  At first there was absolute shock and denial.  My sister and mom felt like I had personally ruined their plans because I was no longer going to marry the dream guy.  For a while they were refusing to talk to me yet calling him to make sure that he was okay after the break up?  Their behavior was almost as sick as his.  Don’t feel crazy because you have strong feelings about what he did and don’t let anyone else make you feel crazy.  I am proud of you for shaking off the denial that your family is plagued by and seeing through this situation to what is important which is keeping children safe.  You would be delusional for letting him near your children.  Sounds like you have got a good head on your shoulders.  

Post # 79
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m a survivor, and unfortunately my little sister was abused by another “family friend” when I was out in college. I still have a lot of regrets about not living at home, not being able to protect her, but I realize it happened again because my parents were just that negligent. I don’t know if my mom experienced anything like that. She ignored it and even invited the man over for dinner to “talk about it”. I didn’t think it was appropriate, so I took my sister to live with me for a few weeks. Then nature took its course and he died from cancer. I don’t know how my little sister feels about that. Who’d know at her age? All I said was that when she’s ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.

My abusers are still alive. But they are all having a rough life. None have been persecuted; it was years after the last incident when I finally started talking about it. My parents still deny it’s ever happened because my abusers were family, too, and it disrupts the family harmony. I kept it in for several years, and by the time I was out in college they were physically and emotionally apart from me. I still keep my distance from my family because of this.

Has it ruined my chances with my family? Definitely. I don’t go to functions because they’d be there. But that’s what I’m supposed to do. I don’t indulge in the bad behaviors by pretending life is better with them around. What about those they love? Like their wives, or children? It’s all hush-hush in my family.

Do I prefer it this way? I don’t know how it would be the other way. I do know that I don’t regret drifting away from my family because of this. No one really stood up for me, so I do support you talking to your aunt about this, especially if she initiates the conversation. Your aunt is just as much as a victim as everyone else when this kind of stuff happens.

Post # 80
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@eagle:  The other thing that is bothering me about this whole thing is my family is trying to play the “We think he may have been touched when he was younger” card.  Which really bothers me because that doesn’t excuse pedophilia, which they are basically implying. 

I haven’t talked to them much since this all happened, because I’m such a staunch anti-pedophile (aren’t we all…?) that I don’t want to even hear excuses from them.  It makes me SICK. 

Your feelings are totally justified here and, if I were in your position, there is absolutely no way I could have that person exist in any part of my life. But as far as the family goes, I think you have to remember that as shaken up as your world has been, his immediate family is surely in a much darker place. I think when things like this happen, people’s first instinct is to try to make sense of things. I’m sure no rational person would say it excuses the behavior but when something rattles every part of your world, you tend to look for a reason. I would give them a bit of time to wrap their heads around things before meeting their comments with anger.

I think reaching out to them is a good idea and I agree that a card is probably best. It gives you the opportunity to support them without having to listen to their pontifications about him. It also puts less pressure on them. They can read the card when they are comfortable and reply when they are ready.

Good luck. I’ll be keeping your family in my thoughts!

Post # 81
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

@mireisen:  I’m so sorry your parents weren’t more supportive of you.  Your little sister is very lucky to have somebody like you to help her.  

Post # 82
1 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

Thank god for the internet and being able to ask these questions.  I have just found out that my uncle (who I have lived with throughout my life) is a pedophile and had been abusing my cousins daughter (his grand daughter) since she was 8 years old.  As if that wasn;t bad enough it has been released in the news that we was making child pornography films and filing himself raping and abusing her.  All of this has made me feel sick to my stomach.  The whole family have basically disowned him and righfully so.  I jusy can’t quite get my head around it at the moment but it does leave me to wonder whether something had happended to him (by no way is this an excuse) but his dad my grandad was very inappropriate towards me as a child (not majorly) as he used to kiss me in a wway a grandad does not.  All if this with my uncle has just brought all of that up for me again as I never told any family member about this.  How did the wedding go and a year on how is the family coping?



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