(Closed) Peopel are not going to like this (revised)

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013


Post # 4
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@nattiejeanne:  To each his own. Your wedding day happens once, so do what makes you and your FH most comfortable. People will talk no matter what you do, there’s no pleasing everyone so just do what makes you happy 🙂

Post # 5
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@nattiejeanne:  Watch the beginning of an episodes of Four Weddings and laugh your butt off at the things the different brides say is “rude” or “inappropriate”. Everyone partially bases their idea of what is “rude” on what they like. But what you like and what strangers on the internet like are not going to be the same thing. For example: buffets. I had no idea until I started looking at wedding planning stuff that buffets are considered inferior to a plated dinner option. I’ve never been to wedding without a buffet, even the ones that cost $$$$$$… But some people think they’re “gross” and “not formal enough”.

Do what you do, honey, and don’t let strangers on the internet get you down.

Post # 6
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@nattiejeanne:  So much of this is based on regional location. It is rude to not provide alcohol at your wedding for your guests where I am from.  I don’t think it is rude to have a cash bar if you are in the UK/whatever parts of America/Canada etc. where it is the standard. I don’t care what those people do.  From the opposite view point Wishing Well weddings are very common where I am from and not considered (by many) to be offensive however American bees will usually say that they are very rude because they are not the norm in the states. I have never been to a casual wedding but if the invitation made it clear that was the case (so I didn’t dress to the nines) then I’d be happy to go along in my summer dress and eat some pizza. I think pot luck weddings would be a nightmare logistically so I wouldn’t go there for that reason but I do think it is the hosts job to provide a meal if you host an event during a meal time.

The sort of stuff I see on the bee that makes me think a person is a poor host is eg.  “My vegetarian guests can eat before they come, why should I have to provide a vegetarian option.” I literally can’t get my head around this line of thinking.

Post # 7
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It is bad etiquette to host a party that you cannot afford and pass the costs off to your guests.

It is bad etiquette to assume that you will receive gifts and ask for money.

It is rude to ask your guests to provide their own chair or bring their own dessert for your wedding.

You can have pizza if you want to.  You can send RSVP envelopes without stamps, but it’s just hard to get people to respond in general, so they are less likely to do it if they have to find a stamp.

You’re welcome to have whatever wedding you want, but it doesn’t mean that your decisions won’t come without judgement from some people.

I’m sure the opinions of a bunch of people on the internet don’t matter, but I would rather have my guests talking about what a great time they had instead of the fact that they had to pay just to get a soda to drink at the wedding (which I totally have had to do, and I complained about it).

Post # 8
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What is your point?

Host or coordinate the event you like. I would not want to host a BYOB event, but think RSVPs are piuntless and would much rather receive an email or text response. Do what you feel. Your guests are the ultimate judge of whether they are comfortable with your event.

Post # 9
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Everyone is entitled to share their opinion on an open forum. If someone asks if something is rude, then they should expect a variety of answers. If you don’t want to hear opinions that don’t mirror your own, then I guess the best thing to do is not ask the question in the first place.

Post # 10
14095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ok?  Etiquette rules exist for a reason.  It’s your decision if you want to ignore them.  

In my social circle, if I had a wedding like yours, it would be the talk of the town, and not in a good way.  If it’s more acceptable in yours, do what you see fit.

Post # 12
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree that people put too much emphasis on the word “wedding” and believe that it has to be this ideal picturesque vision of black tie and a white dress. I think it is perfectly okay to have a backyard BBQ wedding so long as you make it clear.

I do, however, think it would be rude to ask guests to bring wedding gifts on top of contributing to a potluck and bringing their own booze and chairs. It’s more of a party than a wedding and it should be treated accordingly (at the same time still celebrating with you and your groom).

Post # 15
14 posts

Oh, I had such a lovely reply ready and the thread changed… poof!  My reply went away.  It was wonderful–and I can’t really remember everything I wrote, haha.  Short term memory is the first to go…


Regional expectations go a long way here.  Where I live, it’s common to have the dollar dance, potluck meals and cash bars at wedding receptions.  I wouldn’t think twice about getting an invitation to a wedding bbq asking me to bring a dish to pass.


Some of the “etiquette rules” I’ve read over the years, such as your gift should be the financial equivalent of the reception meal/drinks provided.  That may be typical in some areas–it must be for gals to write about it–but in my many years of life living and travelling all over this world, I’ve never actually seen it in action.


To me–and this is just ME–I would not refer to gifts on an invitation of any kind.  If I’m invited to a birthday party, I am being invited to share the joy of the day, have a piece of cake and wish the person well.  Am I expected to bring a card or gift?  No, not expected.  But I’ll bring a gift for a child or someone I know very well.  If I don’t know the person well, I’ll bring a card.


Next month, I’m inviting my immediate family and my FI’s to my home for my birthday celebration.  I’ll invite them by phone and email/text, because it’s informal, and when I speak with my mother and his, I’ll tell them that I really don’t want any gifts, but if they’d like to bring a bottle of wine or plate of italian cookies from my favorite bakery, that would be much appreciated.  Of course, no one will know that the TRUE reason for me inviting them is so that we can confess our elopement scheduled a few days prior.


But my true point:  that’s how you get around those potential etiquette faux-pas!  You want cash instead of wedding gifts?  Tell your maid of honor, best man, and your parents, so that when guests contact them about a gift registry, they can reply, “They’re registered at Target, are very much hoping for cash, and also appreciate donations made to the Biloxi County Humane Society.”

(Edited portion below)

All this to say there are ways to make suggestions in threads in a positive way… not everyone has the gift of diplomacy.  Take everything with a grain of salt and enjoy the cameraderie here to gain ideas and advice.

The topic ‘Peopel are not going to like this (revised)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors