Post # 1
I just had a very uncomfortable conversation with my FFIL. All of FI’s family lives in another state. In the past when his dad (and occasionally his aunt) visits, he has stayed with us. I figured it was going to be assumed that we would have a couple of his family members staying with us when they come for the wedding.
I had asked FI if we could not have people stay with us for a few reasons. Mostly because I am very shy and, while I like his family very much, having them staying at our house makes me stressed and uncomfortable. I can’t relax and just do my own thing. I feel as though I need to host them and make sure they are entertained. I feel like unless I absolutely need to be doing something (like working) I should be at the house with them. It’s just all very hard for me. And I don’t want to be dealing with all of that in the days leading up to our wedding! I’m going to be stressed enough as it is. I don’t want people staying in our house.
There is also the fact that my brother will be staying at our house while we are on our honeymoon, to take care of our pets. Unless people are leaving right after the wedding (which I doubt will be the case) my brother is going to have to stay in the house with whoever. He is about as shy as me and doesn’t really know FI’s family. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable by having to stay in our house with people he doesn’t really know.
So I had talked to my FI about all this and he didn’t have any problems with it. His dad called this evening and I answered because FI was giving his son a bath. His dad was talking about making arrangements for coming for the wedding and said he assumed he was staying with us. I really didn’t want to be the one telling him he wasn’t staying here but I also didn’t want to say, “Yeah, sure!” so I tried to explain the stuff I said here. But I’m awkward and shy and nervous on the phone so I feel like it came out in a way that offended him or something. He got off the phone pretty quick after I stumbled through my bit, and just asked that I have FI call him soon to talk about it so he can make arrangements.
Ugh. Now I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore or at least thinks I’m being a bitch for not wanting anyone staying with us.
Post # 3
He’ll get over it. I’m not shy at all and I still wouldn’t want anyone staying at our place before or during the wedding. No matter what they say, I (you) still feel the need to act like a hostess. You will be busy enough in the last week or so without having company, even if the company is family.
Post # 4
I’m in a LDR with my FI, got my own flat…it’s only 1 bedroomed. FI has often talked about getting his parents to come up and visit – they’ve never been to my city before – and assumed that they would be staying here!
As I pointed out to him, I’ve got one bed. I’m 44, I don’t sleep on the floor anymore, and certainly not in my own flat. There are plenty of cheap and good hotels less than a mile away.
I’m like you, I really don’t like others staying in my personal space. I’m also a very shy and private person.
Anyone with half a brain would realise that in the run up to your own wedding, the last thing you need is house guests!
Post # 5
@MistySoda: Sorry, that is such an uncomfortable situation! But you are doing the right thing and you deserve the space to have a nice wedding without the stress of hosting people at your house. I hope FI stands up for you to his dad. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It might be awkward, but hold your head high because you have done nothing wrong!
Post # 6
I totally understand. I might be okay with people staying with us when we have a house with a proper guest room and bathroom. I am absolutely not okay with anyone staying in our apartment–I don’t even like anyone visiting. We’re outgrowing this place and have things all over.
I totally agree with @julies1949–he’ll get over it. I think it’s ridiculous that, leading up to your wedding, anyone expects to be staying with you.
Post # 7
Fiance needs to call dad right away. You are not wrong. You will be too busy etc.
Post # 8
@MistySoda: We have the opposite problem, we can’t get his parents to stay with us!! Now we have to find a hotel from them to stay at.
Post # 9
I still feel bad. FI says his dad is upset that we won’t be having him stay at our house. But FI was very supportive of me. He didn’t even say it was what I wanted. He told his dad WE didn’t want anyone staying at the house which was great because it doesn’t make me look like the bad guy that won’t let him stay here and FI is just following my wishes.
Hopefully he gets over it soon.
Post # 10
@MistySoda: My FI’s family all live in the Midwest, so when a family member of his visits they usually stay with us. Well his dad happened to mention that in October when they come out for our wedding they figured that he(his dad), mom, sister, BIL, 2 nieces and grandma would ALL be staying with us. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Seriously I love my FI’s family, and while our house isn’t tiny, it isn’t big enough to comfortably fit that many people for an entire week. Plus I just think the week before the wedding will be so stressful! I don’t want to feel obligated to entertain people, I just want to do my own thing. Luckily my FI agreed and called and flat out told them that they couldn’t stay with us 😡 At first his sister seemed a little miffed, but she got over it.
Post # 11
@MistySoda: I totally understand the stresses of having people staying at your house. At the same time, my fiance’s family is mostly across the country from us (mom’s side, including my FSIL), and I expect that his sister and bro-in-law will stay with us, as well as his mom, if she is able to come to the wedding. He also has groomsmen from across the country, and it’s possible that they will want to stay with us as well, because it’s a lot to expect everyone to buy plane tickets and pay for hotels for multiple nights. It will most definitely be less than ideal as far as situations go, but I think it will be necessary. Thankfully we have some extra room and 2 bathrooms!
Post # 12
I totally agree with you on this one and I just wanted to say that you should not feel bad! The week leading up to your wedding is going to be stressful enough, having to host and clean and be “on” all week when you are going to need some relaxing time is not a good way to enjoy the week of your wedding. Hopefully he will get over being upset, I think you have a very valid point and I would stick with what you have told him, it just wont work.
Post # 13
@MistySoda: I had to have a conversation about lodging too. It was a little strange at first but after explaining to my folks where we were coming from, they understood. Like you, I don’t want to play hostess despite the fact that I feel compelled to do so. Instead, I want to focus on my impending marriage and not try to keep everyone happy. However, after some thought, I will likely extend an invite to my parents to stay at our home since everyone is travelling some distance to our location and I would like to help people save cash where they can.
So for me it goes like this – I will bend and say they can stay. I will also give myself permission to just do what I have to do without any guilt. They can stay but I will let them know they are fending for themselves.
Post # 14
you definately have enough on your plate. i wouldn’t want to worry about all those people staying in my house either.
did you get a wedding room block at a hotel. if not, maybe you can call around and reserve a few rooms for OOT guests at a better rate.
Post # 15
Don’t feel bad! I’m sure your FFIL just didn’t think things through. I can’t imagine he’s going to be seriously upset by this. I wouldn’t even bring it up again. If you’re really feeling bad, you could maybe send him a nice note saying how much you are looking forward to joining their family?