(Closed) People telling me how to plan my own wedding, how to deal with it?

posted 5 years ago in Logistics
Post # 3
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Smile and say “We’ll consider that, but we’re really leaning towards X”

Post # 4
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have already discussed what we are going to have/not have and how to handle it. We’re approaching it as a team. So if his family tries to push us, he will speak up and stop it. The reverse is true if it’s my family. We both agree that this is our wedding, and we aren’t going to take kindly to people trying to push their vision on us. They can do it their way when they get married:)

Post # 5
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

Is he your Boyfriend or Best Friend, or your FI? Because if he hasn’t proposed yet, I’m not sure why you would be discussing how you envision your wedding with his mother.

I deal by keeping the details and planning to myself.  When you discuss it with others, or when you accept their money, you invite their input.

Post # 6
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh, the joys of having a Mother-In-Law 🙂  By the end of planning our wedding, my Mother-In-Law and I were both sick to death of each other, and we have a pretty good relationship!

Firstly, I paid for the majority of the wedding, by myself, so she would suggest this that or the other, and I replied “I’ll look into that” or “I’ll check my budget and see what works” etc…

Also, I involved her with planning things about which I had no opinion.  I don’t care about flowers, and she’s quite good with them, so I invited her along for my florist appointment.  It gave her something specific to work on, to focus her energy into, and it was actually helpful to me.  When she started talking about adding these, or ordering some of those, etc… I reminded her that I had met my floral budget and was sorry, the idea sounds lovely, but I just can’t afford it. 

So, if you can give her something to work on to make her feel important and included, try to do so.  If she’s making suggestions or demands beyond that, remind her that you’re paying (or your parents, or whoever) and you’ll look into what you can, but it comes down to budget.  Or tell her that sounds like a lovely idea, but you & Fiance have already discussed/decided/whatever else.

Also, keep this perspective when the going gets tough…

My Mother-In-Law was freaking out about the ribbon color on the centerpieces not matching the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses exactly.  It actually became a point of contention between us.  Someone wise mentioned to me “At least she’s harping on the ribbon color and not her son’s choice in women”… and all the irritation I felt magically melted away.  She loves her son and wants him to have a fabulous wedding, she really was only trying to help.  It drove me bat shit insane, but I really really did appreciate the fact that she cared enough to say something at all 🙂

Post # 7
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I just tell people “you already had your wedding, now it’s my turn” or I just ignore it. You may go crazy if you listen to what everyone has to say about your wedding.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Stop talking to her about it until it’s all set in stone.  Or you can ask her how much she’s contributing to the reception location that she wants.

Post # 9
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I know how you feel. I was talking to my Future Mother-In-Law the other day about which churches we really love for the wedding and she was like “why wouldn’t you get married at x church?” And whenever I talk about going anywhere for the reception other than this one place she likes she always has something to say about it. The other day though she did apologize for sounding harsh when we discussed something so I think that is a start! It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is jealous because you have a different vision for your wedding other than what her other kids did.

Post # 10
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I usually get people to quit bugging me by saying “That’s a summer problem” or whatever (when it was 2012 I told everyone it was a 2013 problem). That was my way of saying “I haven’t gotten there yet, ask me later” even if I have thought about it. It bought me time to make my own decisions so when they checked with me again it had already been decided. 

Having said that, anyone who has said “you’re doing it this way” or “you’re not doing that to” I kind of give them daggers. To my own family I’ve been very frank that I don’t appreciate that kind of talk (and I have a lot of customs I’m supposed to heed which I don’t). For Mother-In-Law and whatnot, if there’s anything that is contentious that I feel I can’t gently discourage with a “let me check our budget” I run it through SO.

Good luck.. you’re not alone!

Post # 11
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was always told our marriage their wedding! I try to include my Mother-In-Law to be in everything. She is making the vests becuase they are 100 each to rent and I bought the fabric for 6 and it was 55.00 just her time which she loves doing. I think if its the Mother-In-Law to be ot even your mom you can include if you both agree but if its someone else just nicely say its my turn you had yours 🙂

Post # 12
Member
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Just smile, nod and listen but then turn around and do everything you want to do..thats what I did! lol! I have ignored everything my future Mother-In-Law and Mom have suggested and I think they finally got the picture that its my wedding and not theirs!!!

Post # 13
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I find myself saying “We haven’t decided yet” about EVERYTHING. Then do what you want and don’t tell them. Seriously, you just have to do that. Tell no one ANYTHING. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to decide YOUR wedding. Makes my blood boil too!

Post # 14
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Be polite but firm.

“thats a great idea but weve already decided to do this” 

 

I know how difficilt it is tho when my FSMIL was adamant i didnt need real flowers, I got his aunty to reign her in.

Post # 15
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@DaneLady:  Sound advice.

Neither Fiance and I have mothers to be at our wedding, but my sisters have taken up the slack quite nicely.  We’re so hypersensitive to anyone ordering us to do things that my family has done an admirable job of muzzling themselves when I give them the “wall” look.  I remind myelf that they’re just excited.

FI’s family is trickier.  Both his local brothers have told us to spend the money on a honeymoon, one is worried about outfits.  Their silence makes me worry that the whole affair will seem like an ordeal I imposed on them.  It’s important to us that the ceremony and reception have his touch as well as mine.

I guess future in-law opinions are difficult whether or not they’re voiced!

Post # 16
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@SeaSalt:  I catch myself saying “boyfriend” because I’ve gotten so used to the term when talking about my Fiance. (He always reminds me it’s Finace now) So it could be the same case with OP. I’ve also noticed that once you are engaged everyone asks you about it or tells you their input whether or not you ask for it. OP didn’t say anything about accepting money from her Future Mother-In-Law so I would think she probably isn’t offering. 

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