Post # 1
My Fiance and I find ourselves wondering how to interpret the comments made by some guests the other night. I belong to a dinner club of sorts that used to meet regularly a couple years ago when some key organizers used to be involved.
Since those key people moved away, we only meet a couple times during the year. While I’ve known the remaining people for years, I’m not really close with them and rarely see them outside of our dinner gatherings. They are great people whom I enjoy catching up with, however, they are not on our guest list for the wedding. If we could add 30 people, they’d make it on the list.
My etiquette question stems from the comments made during dinner. Naturally there were questions about the wedding. As we all love to cook, they inquired about what items I have registered for. One person said that he knew exactly what to give us – a Shun paring knife. Later, during dessert, as we talked about kitchen gadgets, another person talked about what she received from friends as wedding gifts and stopped describing them as she commented that maybe she’d give us that and didn’t want to say what item she had been given. I found these gestures very generous but didn’t know how to respond as their comments were so unexpected.
After they departed for the evening the Fiance asked, "do they think they’re invited to the wedding?" I have the same concern. We don’t know whether we should say anything to hint that we do not have space for them. Our wedding is not super small nor is it big – 135 people (one-third being family). We don’t want to hurt their feelings, but we certainly feel a little uncomfortable by their comments.
Post # 3
Will you even see them again before the wedding? ; ) You pretty much either ignore it, or you just say that based on budget and venue you can only have so many guests. We got a gift from someone we were told not to invite (stemom’s brother & wife), and it was kind of awkward. then again, I have never met them anyway, chances are never will. But you have to send thank you’s, and what do you say? thanks for thinking of us even though we didn’t think of you? I think you’d be better off just telling one of the people you’re closest with that you just couldn’t manage fitting the additional 30 people, and you didn’t want to pick and choose who was invited and who wasn’t. Thats what I told people I work with.
Post # 4
If you can’t invite them don’t even worry about it. You don’t want to break the bank just to not hurt feelings. I totally understand you. I get the same comments and I have the same feelings as you. But it just sounds like they want to give you guys presents. Doesn’t seem like they are asking for an invite. I think people are just so happy for you and didn’t think about what they said. We too have a lot of friends that we don’t see all that often. But when we do see them I get the feeling that we should invite them. But then I think about the cost and how we’re already over budget. That usually brings me back to reality. If they send you a gift just make sure you send a Thank you card back. Perhaps one that is home made by you to give that special touch.
Post # 5
Below is a variation of what I’ve used when planning my wedding.
At a future dinner, they are bound to ask how your wedding planning is going (if they don’t, bring it up). Your answer:
"Planning has been good for the most part but we’ve been kind’a stressing over the guest list. Our max guest list is 130, which at first seemed like a lot to us until we realized that that really is only 65 couples. With our family and parents’ guest list taking up almost half of those, X and I really only get to invite 10 couples each, which makes it really tough ’cause we have so many people we want to invite and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Unfortunately, our budget is set so we may have to get creative and celebrate in a different way with some of our friends……..’
This would be their cue for someone to chime in a say, "Well, definitely don’t stress over us, if it makes it easier for you and X, we can always celebrate over one of these dinners."
Of course, if someone doesn’t, you can always bring it yourself. ie. Would you guys be really offended if we we celebrated with you separately?
Post # 6
I’ve been thinking too that it may be just being nice. After all, when one of them got married, I was invited to her reception at the last minute but couldn’t go. I meant to give her something small ($15) but then didn’t see her for six months and never gave it to her. The Shun knife is $50 which is why I’m a little uncomfortable. Small things are think are totally fine for non-invites. I’ve done that with a few friends.
<> We may see them again in mid-September for group dinner. That’s why we were wondering what we might want to say next time.
Post # 7
I think we become so hypersensitive over the issue of guests that we forget that our wedding is not such a priority for other people. From their perspective, they may just be thinking of giving you gifts without thinking of being invited. I’d let it go.
Post # 8
I agree with norcalbride. I love giving the perfect gift. And if I see something that I know someone would love, I would just buy it and save it for when their B-day, anniversary, wedding ect comes up. I have given gifts for couples before even if I am not invited just because I am happy for the couple. I never did it to fish for an invite. They might be gifting you with the gift because they know how much you like to cook and they think you will enjoy it. I agree that $50 is a lot but are they well off and don’t think $50 is a lot to spend on a gift?
If they actually mention an invite at the next meeting, just do what Red sugested and drop a hint about how the venue/budget has restricted your guest list.