- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Like the titie says…I think I need a pep talk or words of encouragement before we began TTC again after a suspected Ectopic.
Back story. MY Darling Husband is a cancer survivor. Because of the chemo he was on, we have to go the route of an IUI. We tried for 3 cycles and on cycle 3 I did end up pregnant but my blood tests confirmed something wasnt right…right away. MY HCG levels were so low they thought it was a Chemical pregnancy. However when they checked my blood a week later my levels were rising, but not doubling…and still low. They said they were sure it was an ectopic, but we would have to wait until my levels rose higher to conform on an ultra sound. They didnt want me to wait that long bc of fear my tubes could burst. So long story short they ended up giving me medicine to shrink and end pregnancy. For those who dont know, the medicine they gave me was chemo!! So I ended up having to go to the cancer center and get a chemo bracelet and get a chemo shot!! It brought back horrible memories of when Darling Husband had to go for treatment. Plus I was alone because I didnt realize it was ectopic and what the treatment was…
Needless to say…I was completly devistated. I bravely went to work the next day (I really shouldnt have) and in a meeting one of my corworkes stands up and announced that their wife was pregnant. Now I am of course happy for them, but I was still pregnant and knew my pregnancy was ending….It was too much! I smiled and told him congratulations which I was very proud of myself for doing and then went to my desk and cried the rest of the day. I told my manager and a coworker who were extremly supportive…
Anyways..it was tough as you can imagine…but since then it has been about 4 months and I am feeling back to normal. Darling Husband and I are excited to TTC again, more in love than ever, and very happy!!
So I am trying to think postively but now that we are going to try another IUI I cant help but start to fear that this will happen again. My doctor think it was just a fluke but I have been second guessing myself. I keep thinking I must have done something to cause it?? Like was it bc I had a cup of coffe or the wine I had before the IUI( I never drink after the iui during 2ww) BUt I did the week before. Did it damgage my eggs? Did I life sotmthing too heavy?…ETC!…. The docs dont seem to have any real answeres as to why it happened. So I am just trying to pray, stay positve and trust that it will be alright.
I have told close family and friends about what happened, but I felt it wasnt all that helpful and some of them unintentionally said hurtful things. Like well at least you know you can get pregnant….(Yes, but that doesnt help!IT doesnt assure it will stick) OR well it wasnt a baby yet….regardless of anyones views I think this is hurtful. I mourned my baby still. I felt like ppl made me feel crazy for doing so. Also had crazy guilt bc once I had the shot I wanted it to end bc I was terrified my tubes would explode! I talked to a therapist and he helped me a lot!! Basically I decided that I wont tell anyone when we try again except Darling Husband Of course. Well and u Bees!!
WIth that said I only have Darling Husband to talk with about this now. He is super supportive but…he is a guy if you know what I mean. He only has so much to say about it.
I guess I just wanted to reach out to my fellow bees….to share my story…bc I feel like acknowldeging what happened has helped me move on and also I would welcome any words of encouragement!!!
Sorry this is kind of a long post!! I meant to write about this sooner, but I wasnt able to talk about it. Now that I can I know I am much healthier mentally!
I wish all of you Bees TTC or PG the best of luck!!!
Thanks for reading!!