(Closed) personal attacks and snarkiness

posted 7 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow.  I want to marry the man I love after dating for over four years, and coming on the boards to vent about it is “proactively destroying [my] relationship”?  Harsh much?

Post # 4
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@alice_louisa: usually if i dont like something, or i disagree, i tend not to post, why make others feel bad? (esp if its about a dress that they love or diy stuff they spent hours perfecting) i mean my taste and my way of doing things is not the only right way so who am i to drag them down. on the other hand if it is a topic i feel strongly about, i do post, and people may get upset or they may agree with me. i dont think there is a lack on contructive criticism, its just not right to make someone feel horrible about something like their relationship when we do not know all the details.

the bee is about giving support and recieving support, not about making others feel bad about their personal choices.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m totally with you on calling people out when they’re hurting themselves, their relationships, or being unnecessarily hard on friends and family members…though I tend not to unless it’s something egregious or that I feel strongly about.  However, I think there would absolutely NO point in telling a bride that you don’t like the save the dates that they worked hard on.  There’s no point telling a bride that the dress she loves is bad for her body type–it’s her dress and telling her after she’s bought it is just mean.  If they ASK for opinions on multiple dress options, sure, be honest.  But I don’t believe in being honest to internet strangers just for honesty’s sake.  Unless a bride is asking for constructive criticism about a fashion choice or a DIY project, I go with positive reinforcement or nothing at all.  Imagine how you would feel if you bought your dress, showed it to everyone on WB, and someone said they thought it was horrible…just to be honest.  You’d feel like crap.

Post # 6
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Part of what so many of us love about the Bee is our self admitted “rainbows and unicorns” type of atmosphere. Constructive criticism is a wonderful thing I agree. Tearing someone down by saying “Your invitations look cheap” is not. Being constructive would be saying “Have you thought about adding a bow or belly band? Do you have a thicker card stock of paper?”. There are a lot of other wedding websites where people offer “reality checks” in a much harsher tone. A lot of the girls have come here because the Bee offers a softer touch and because they can post (I hope) without fear of being attacked. There’s a difference between being helpful and being mean and hurtful.

Post # 7
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I get what your saying and sometimes I THINK the same thing… but the pps there is way to say things and as much as my inner bitch wants to come out I have to remind myself that i dont know these people, I dont know the whole story, and they dont effect my life.  so if they are wearing a terribly aweful dress or their invites are hiddeous I tend to just move on because I dont wanna touch it with a 10 ft pole.  But I will comment if I disagree with the way someones acting or treating people… but I do try to give true constructive criticism.  Were not perfect and were not all the same…

Post # 8
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t really understand why you don’t post at all because you’re afraid of getting banned… are the ONLY times you would be posting otherwise when you had something “constructively critical” to say? I mean what is stopping you from joining in the general discussion about other things? Or are you really only interested in “helping” people? 

Post # 9
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I too just do not post on something if I dont have something positive to say about it. The waiting boards – doesnt matter if I agree or disagree with the concept – because I just dont go onto them. It doesnt apply to me and Im not going to knock anyone down. If women need a place to vent and find support for something that they are going through then why take that away from them?

Also, not everyone has all the money in the world so telling them something looks cheap or not-so-good might be heartbreaking. Dont you think everyone wants everything theyve always dreamed of?? But not everyone has that luxury so they work with what they have and in the end THOSE THINGS DONT MATTER. Who cares if someones invitaitons are cheap looking!? Doesnt mean their wedding will be any less beautiful, special, memorable than anyone else’s!! And same goes for the dress – if someone has already bought a dress dont say that it doesnt look good on them because it will only be disheartening to them. However if it is a multiple dress post, then yes be honest but polite and tactful about it!

I have always loved the bee because of the sense of support that the bees give and I would hate for that to be diminished by 100% brutal (read – mean) honesty!

Post # 10
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@alice_louisa: I understand what you are trying to say but I think bakarella put it succintly. If there are a multitude of dresses to choose from, choose one for the bride BUT if you can, tell her why you didn’t choose the other ones. About the Save-The-Date Cards and invites, I’d feel horrible telling someone that what they sweated about was cheap looking after putting in so much work. (considering that most of them end in the trash can is another story!) I don’t understand why people don’t “get” the waiting threads. I was on there for about a month or so but most of the ladies there are ladies that know an engagement is coming (at least most that I’ve read their posts). They have had a convo, the guy says it’s coming. They just don’t know ‘when’. It’s the timing that is making them anxious. I don’t know that I’ve seen someone who I’d say was ‘proactively destroying’ their relationship by being on the waiting boards. Maybe there’s someone like that and I missed that thread/post πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i see what you’re saying and agree with parts of what you and others have said. the Bee is a rainbows and unicorns place. when someone posts themselves in their dress or pictures of their DIYs, they’re usually looking for validation. unless they’re asking for tips or advice, i’m not going to offer them up and i’m certainly not going to tell them they look cheap. additionally, if a Bee is acting up for no reason, we usually call them out! i remember one post (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chatting-with-friends-please-help-vent) where it was pretty unanimous in the comments that people thought she was being ridiculous BUT they weren’t vicious about it. just be reasonable with your responses and gauge what you want to say with what the asker wants to hear. if you want unbridled opportunity to tell someone exactly what you think, the Bee’s not going to be the place for you. these are people first and foremost and many of them are going to take other bees’ comments to heart so a little discretion on an internet forum is a welcome change from what i’m accustomed to.

Post # 13
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@alice_louisa: I so agree with the statement. SO many times I see a bride ask for opinions about their dress because they are concerned (and rightly so) that it is not flattering on them. Almost 90% of the time I want to post, ‘you’re right, it looks like total crap on you-don’t go mermaid or trumpet or whatever’ but everyone goes ‘It’s great’ or ‘You look beautiful’ and frankly you are not being helpful.

Post # 14
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@alice_louisa: Oh, then I see what you mean. Um, that’s a bit harder. If someone has already done the invites etc and is asking for opinions, since I am a non-DIY’er, I don’t even say anything. I’ve been to Michaels once and my paper cutter is still under my bed πŸ™‚ Whoa! I’ve not seen any bee purchase a wedding dress without at least knowing that they were engaged (ring or no ring) but then, I’ve not read all the threads. I do kinda see where you are coming from though.

Post # 15
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@ham2905: I agree too, a lot of times I THINK something and really want to tell the person the honest truth (I do think this most applies to dresses or any outfits in general that people are asking about) but unfortunately I would NEVER say anything like that to someone on a board. Thats why I like it when people make polls so I can remain anonymous! πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think we are allowed to give contructive criticism and feedback – if the poster asked for it. I recently put up a question about my dress sincerely ASKING for negative feedback.. like please tell me if this dress is awful. I even put in a poll so if people wanted to tell me anonymously that they hated it, they could. I expected honesty because I figured if a bunch of strangers who don’t have any emotional reaction to seeing me in a wedding dress actually like it, it’s probably nice πŸ™‚

The difference between feedback like that and “snarkiness” is if someone had responded, “The dress is ugly and you’re a b*(#H for asking us” – that would be a personal attack. If someone had said the dress is ugly, that answered my question. πŸ™‚

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