(Closed) Personal attendant instead of bridesmaid

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Is it offensive to say no to being a personal attendant
    No : (94 votes)
    80 %
    Yes : (9 votes)
    8 %
    Bring it up with the bride : (15 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 2
    47216 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    mermy16:  In the privacy of your own home, be as offended as you want. Our feelings are always valid. They help us process things that happen in our life.

    In public, say or do nothing. Many brides have to make hard choices when it comes to the bridal party. Accept or deline being  a personal attendant, but behave like a grownup and be gracious.

    In some areas, having a personal attendant(s) is common.

    Post # 3
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    I would be offended to be honest and would totally decline

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Khaleesy.
    Post # 4
    1833 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Decline.  That is no honor, that is being a worker bee.

    Post # 5
    79 posts
    Worker bee

    I would just sit her down and talk to her. Personal Attnedant makes you sound like some serivce person. I think it’s pretty ballsy for someone to ask a friend to fill such a “position”.

    On the other hand, you say you’re very close with her, but she may see things differently.

    I would definitely talk to her about it though, and I really hope you say no to being a personal attendant because friend or family, I’m not going to your wedding to tend to you! 

    Post # 6
    3611 posts
    Sugar bee

    Yes, this seems mean and like you’re being singled out. I would decline, and if she pushes you, tell her it really hurt your feelings to be named a personal attendant instead of a Bridesmaid or Best Man like the rest of your friend group. She’ll probably either feel bad and ask you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, in which case it’s up to you whether or not you want to accept, or drop the subject like a hot potato.

    Post # 7
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Sooo all the others are bridesmaids except you. You’ve been given a title that makes you sound like you’ll be doing all the leg work with none of the reward. Say no and bring it up with the bride as to why she’s done this. She might have a good reason and not realise its upsetting to you but if you are close i’d speak to her. It seems a weird thing to do! I’d get it if she wasn’t having bridesmaids and just wanted a “personal attendant”

    Post # 8
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    mermy16:  You have every right to be put off–most people agree that there’s little honor in “personal attendant”–but as PP have suggested, all you should do publicly is graciously decline and express that you are happy to attend as a guest.  If pressed as to your reasons for declining, I would reiterate that you just would prefer to attend as a guest.

    I would try to extend some understanding to your friend: bridal parties often have a lot of politics surrounding them and there may be things that dictated your friend’s choices that you don’t know about.  So long as your friend continues to value your friendship otherwise, I would not be inclined to let this affect things long-term.  If your friend has been acting as though she doesn’t value your friendship in a more general sense, then I would have a conversation with her about it after the wedding.  IMO, it is difficult to discuss friendships amid the backdrop of a wedding, as the fact that there is an upcoming wedding tends to distort the real issues at hand.

    Post # 9
    6846 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    While it’s clear she’s trying to find some way to include you in the wedding I can’t imagine asking someone to be a “personal attendant” or agreeing to be one. It’s a demeaning title. If it makes you uncomfortable just graciously decline. 


    Post # 10
    3332 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Decline. It sounds like she cares more about her ‘vision’ than your feelings. She probably doesn’t want uneven sides *eye roll*.

    Post # 11
    9595 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Ive been an attendant twice and was not offended and enjoyed being a part of everything. It’s somehow more obnoxious to label it “personal attendant”. 

    In both cases the brides just didn’t want a million bridesmaids but wanted to include me. The BMs in one case were her sisters, and the other her childhood best friends (I met the bride later in life). I handed out programs, had a boutonnière, was listed in program, invited to the rehearsal dinner, given a gift, got ready with everyone etc. it was fun. Like being a bm but not having to stand up or buy a dress. I also sang in both weddings but thats not the normal scope lol.  I was honored to be included and did not get butt hurt about not being a Bridesmaid or Best Man at all. I definitely was not treated like a worker bee slave or demeaned lol. it’s everyone but you in one group I get how you would be hurt though. Id decline if you can’t get past it. 

    Post # 12
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Please tell me you said no! That is a BS position. 

    Post # 13
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I would be offended but I would not want it to ruin my friendship. She obviously wanted you involved but I just think that the “personal attendant” role is something that many people don’t find as a positive position. It sounds very negative and I think if you said no it wouldn’t be rude just don’t say that you tink you should be a bridesmaid or anything like that. Just say you would rather just attend as a guest and support her in that way. I do think she singled you out in a way by making you a personal attendant and not a bridesmaid though. I would really want to know what her intentions were when choosing this role for you. I really don’t understand having that many bridesmaids and making one person a personal attendant since the bridesmaids could easily do those jobs because there are so many of them, it just doesn’t make sense. 

    Post # 14
    3892 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Definitely not rude of you to decline. I’d be offended if I was asked to be a personal attendent; that’s what a DOC is for. I wouldn’t talk to the bride about being singled out and not being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. It’s often really difficult to decide. I know that there were a lot of friends I’m very close to who I would love to have included, but I didn’t want 15 BMs. One of my friends asked me why she wasn’t included and it was sooo awkward and made me feel terrible.


    Post # 15
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Decline, it was rude of her to ask.  So you would be doing all of the work but no be in the actually wedding?  

    Just say that you would be happy to attend as a guest. I would be offended too.  I’m sorry you’re hurt, but maybe think of silver lining – now you won’t have all the expenses of being in a wedding.  You just get to show up to the shower, bachelorette, and wedding – that alone is pretty awesome.

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