(Closed) Personal issues – need some advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Most guys, regardless of their past relationships (or lack thereof) are not ready to get married after a year of dating. So don’t overinterpret! In terms of the impact those two relationships had on him, just think about how you would feel if you came out of 8 years of relationships that ultimately ended. Would you really be looking for just another relationship? I personally would be tired of wasting all that time and looking for the real thing already! I mean, a lot of guys want to have fun before settling down, but 8 years is a long time to invest into two girls you don’t end up staying with. So you have nothing to worry about it – I think he’s all done having “just another relationship” and ready for the real thing! 

Post # 5
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi Bellsforher!

I know it must be tough when you’re worried about his past relationships, but keep reminding yourself that he’s chosen to be with you.  Also, remember what he’s saying–that he’s never loved anyone as much as you!  A long relationship does not always equal a good one.  I’ve known plenty of people (myself included!) who got stuck in a “rut” and stayed in a relationship longer than we should have, even if it was pretty clear it wasn’t going to work out in the long run.  I can also relate to the different music tastes, but I think as long as no one’s giving the other one a migraine from horrible music, it shouldn’t wind up being a big deal.   πŸ™‚

Post # 7
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh honey I was there last year!  My boyfriend and his ex shared the same profession – which he devotes his life to!  For the life of me I just don’t CARE or want to know anything about it and that made me soooooo nervous!  He doesn’t talk to her really which is fine.  But of course when you’re in a situation where you’re soo different to a big part of your significant other’s life – I get it!

Trust that this is by design, though!  I am soo glad we have our own interests because it’s something I admire in my boyfriend tremendously!!  I think if you go into a relationship with open honest communication about what you need (i.e. for me it was marriage and a baby), you are fine!  Sure, people change their minds, but honestly if you can have an open discussion about how important it is to you then move forward and smile.  Check in and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Life would NOT be life without struggle in one form or fashion! πŸ™‚

Post # 8
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Some people just tend to have long relationships, often because they don’t end it when things aren’t moving forward because nothing is terrible.

I’m totally that way.  Every relationship I have had has been over a year and the last before my 4 years with Fiance was 5 years.  It definitely took some time at the beginning of this relationship to completely grow apart from the guy before because we had literally talked every day for 5 years, but it faded like everything does.

Just remember that his past relationships did not work for whatever reason and yours is working, yay!

Post # 11
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My Fiance was engaged before he met me and ME getting over her was a lot harder than HIM getting over her.  She was a hurdle with us for months (man, i hate admitting that).  As hard as it is, just keep reminding yourself that his past relationships 1) ended for a reason – if he was happy and in love with his exes he would still be with them and 2) our past makes us who we are, so those relationships got him ready to be the man you love.  Trust him, but also trust that he is with you because you are an amazing girl and he loves you!  The rest will work itself out. 

One more thing:  whenever I wanted to say something about the ex, I would say in in my head, take a deep breath and smile at my Fiance.  Sounds silly, but saved us a lot of fights πŸ™‚ 

Post # 13
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well seeing as how you “think” you are sure, it just sounds to me like you guys aren’t ready to get married yet. But that’s ok! Give it some more time. Most people do not date for only a year before they find out if they are “the one” and are ready to get married. Some do, but most do not. For me, it took us like 2 years to be like “ooo this is definitely a permanent thing”. From about 6 months to 2 years it was like “oh i like where this is going…but not 100% sure yet”.

Give it time! don’t read too much into his interests with exes. I definitely do not think liking the same music is a big deal personally. That’d be like how Darling Husband likes zombie/horror flicks and I don’t. It’s OK to have separate interests!

Give your relationship time to grow and blossom a little more. ENjoy what you have right now, try not to worry too much about the next step

Post # 14
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Hi Bells,

My fiance is a music major(!) so he is way into his music, but I only like some of it. We’ve actually started something to conquer that, and maybe you could try this too?

He’s been making me “Fiance’s Mix for Gemstone” CDs and I’ve been making him “Gemstone’s Mix for Fiance” CDs. Basically, each CD has songs of each of our individuals “kinds” of music that we think the other will like. Not songs that make us think of each other, but songs from music we listen to that the other will like. It’s been fun and it’s opened us up to new music!

Could you try something like that?

Post # 15
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Also, to address the bigger question (sorry…I got so excited about how my idea could help that I just hit submit!)….he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t see a future. Sounds like what you guys have is special!

Maybe try looking at it from another perspective—his other relationships have been instrumental in teaching him what he does and doesn’t want. Clearly, he is not still with his ex, despite the fact that they shared music taste. That means that it really isn’t something that is important.

After every relationship, we refine our ideas of who our “right” person is. He sees that in you…that’s why he is with you!

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