(Closed) Personal Problems with a few questions.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m so sorry-I’ve been in a similar situation and it sucks.  As to whether you should leave or work it out, I don’t know.  I’m going to address the financial question:  You are NOT terrible for wanting to be prepared-just in case.  Do you have your own bank account in addition to the joint onee?  If not, open one and start stashing money away. Every married woman should have her own bank account and credit cards.

Also, if you live in a community property state, you are entitled to half of all marital assets accumulated during the course of your marriage.  And that’s everything, from property to furniture. I don’t know if you work or not, but after 10 years in California, you can get alimony for life. But this will be more difficult if you are able to work and don’t have kids.  But you should be able to negotiate at least 5 years if you get a good attorney. Especially if you husband makes substantially more money than you.

And do not feel bad or guilty about taking it if it comes to that. You will need it to build a new life if this marriage should fail.  And do not depend on him to do right by you.  He may be cooperative but if he wants to be an ass, you should be prepared. And remember: it’s your money too.

Good luck and take care of your own interests first!

 

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@oldbee:There is no shame in having your own money, in fact it’s smart!! You should always be able to support yourself in the event you need to.

Post # 5
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Although my fiance and I never got married, we were together for 7 years and lived together for a portion of that time.  I completely understand the “love” but not “in love” feeling you are describing.  I still love him and talk to him but we know that it just was not meant to be. 

Maybe some of your issues could be worked through with counseling and talking more but if he REALLY does not want kids and you do, to me that is a deal breaker.  On the money thing..my Mom told me years after her divorce to my Sister’s Dad that when we picked out our new house she made sure that she would be able to afford it on her own.  They had been through counseling but I guess she was pretty sure that it was going to end.  There is no reason why you cannot be ready for supporting yourself given the present circumstances. 

Post # 7
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

You should always have a stash of your own money, so start today! However you can manage to accumulate some, get it done and make sure you hide it well.

It may be a blessing that you don’t have any children with him, if things are this bleak. People change all the time, but this all sounds like it isn’t change for the better.

I wish you luck in figuring out what it is you need to do. (and find yourself a good attorney)

Post # 8
Member
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I was a stay at home wife and mom in my first marriage and had nothing in my own name.

I did however, open a bank account and start stashing money away when I knew that our marriage was doomed. Most grocery stores let you add cah back to your bill. That’s an easy way to start an escape fund.

The next thing I did was get him to transfer my car into my name. I honestly can’t remember what I said to get him to do it but it made leaving easier.

Have you tried counselling? Even if it won’t save the marriage it may give both of you some understanding.

Post # 10
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So sad for you dear. I am sorry you are going through this. I will say it does sound odd to an outsider that you really want kids with a man you are seeking advice to leave. Do you really wants kids with him or do you just really want kids? I can also say even IF my husband made 3 times as much as me, there is NO reason we would have everything in his name. Him putting everything in his name would be a red flag to me. As a woman I say be smart about making sure you will be taken care of, do what you gotta do in case you have to leave. It sounds as though you have been doing all the right things though. stay strong.

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