Post # 1
I’m really just hoping that typing this will help me clear my head. I’m going crazy with the waiting, and its been going on for a while. My BF and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years, he’s 25 and I am 24. Marriage hasn’t been a topic we’ve had issues discussing, but putting the talk into action has proven to be a little more difficult. We’ve lived with each other for 3 years now. Just after four years into our relationship, we both agreed we planned on getting married eventually, and I told him I’d like to be engaged before our 5 year anniversary. That came and went. I had a mini breakdown on our anniversary (tmi, I was on my TOM too…just not a good combination) when we were out and about deciding on what we should do.
First off, the day came and I realized he hadn’t planned anything as he had teased that he would (I’m normally the planner, so I eased up and didn’t plan this one for once when he started saying he’d handle it). That had me disappointed, but I still hoped that maybe he would still propose. We are in town trying to decide where to go for food, and he snapped at me because he was hungry. Just like that, I break down and start crying. He asked if I was expecting a ring and I told him yes. He continues on and says that our mutual friend had told him that I was expecting it and he felt like a terrible boyfriend. He said he had bought a ring (offered to show it to me, of course I said no) but wanted the proposal to be something more important than a random restaurant in front of people we didn’t know. I told him I understood and we ended up getting pizza and watched a movie at home.
We both have been bringing up weddings more frequently than normal recently, as his brother recently got engaged, and I started wondering again when it would happen. The holidays passed and nothing happened. We talked last night about it and I asked what his timeline was. He said it would be sometime before our 6 year anniversary, and that I just needed to be patient. I told him that I needed to know that he was certain marriage was in our future, otherwise it needed to be addressed sooner rather than later. He asked if I would leave if a proposal didn’t happen, and I said yes. He then mentioned the fact that our 5 year had passed and I hadn’t left (I’m still not certain if he was joking or not), so I probably wouldn’t leave if it didn’t happen before 6. This hurt me, despite the fact that he constantly reassures me that he is going to propose and has a ring.
I guess I just don’t know why he hasn’t proposed yet. He even said “why would I spent money on a ring if I didn’t plan on using it?”. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just tired. I feel as though the idea of it has just lost its luster at this point and it’s making me really self–conscious. It’s worn me down.
Post # 2
This makes no sense to me, if he has a ring and you know he has a ring and he told you about it 6 months ago…why didn’t he propose on the 5 year anniversary? He could’ve planned to do it but just didn’t so he can’t suddenly on the night say “I wouldn’t want it to be done this way”, he had all the opportunity to do it his way?! He knew you were expecting it and he got a ring, so what happened?
This kind of dragging his feet and saying you probably wouldn’t leave and dangling the fact that there is a ring is all totally douchey. Sounds to me like he isn’t sure but hoping he will be sure before 6 years rolls around but already preempting the possibility it won’t happen and still thinks he’ll have you.
Post # 3
“He then mentioned the fact that our 5 year had passed and I hadn’t left.” He even said “why would I spent money on a ring if I didn’t plan on using it?”. Who even says those things to someone they love? Even if he said that first thing jokingly, it kinda sounds like “you would never leave me you don’t have it in you”. I think he has laid out that he isn’t planning on proposing. Why would he otherwise point out that you didn’t leave after the 5 year mark without a proposal?
Post # 4
Whilst I think you could/should have said yes when he said he was a terrible boyfriend but he had the ring and did you want it then, ( I mean what does it matter what restaurant or whether you know the people in the background… ) all the rest of it is a pain in the arse
Why men buy engagement rings for women who they know want badly to be engaged and then keep said ring in a drawer or somewhere passes my understanding.
And this kind of thing ” He said it would be sometime before our 6 year anniversary, and that I just needed to be patient” makes me gnash my teeth. THIS IS YOUR LIFE – why are you letting him talk to you like you are a demanding 5 year old. I could not stand it – I would have to tell him to stop playing these control games games and make a decision , because you have already made yours .
PP above makes some good point about the things he says .
Post # 5
what she says x 100!
He’s a jerk – probably doesn’t have a ring (you could ask to see receipt – then it doesn’t ruin surprise of the proposal, but proves he has it – and date he bought it). He’s stringing you along. He figured he’ll get himself another 6 months, then come up with another excuse.
Even if he has the ring – why is he keeping you waiting? That’s just mean. You want to marry someone who’s dying to be with you and can’t wait to propose – not someone who wants to string you along another 6 months.
Post # 6
Personally, if he has a ring and you know it about it, I’d consider you engaged. I think the whole idea when both parties know there is a ring in the house (with the intention of it being an engagement ring) and both parties know the answer is yes, then all the dancing is around is so futile. I’d be tempted to say to your bf “you know I’d say yeh, I know you have the ring, u don’t need a fancy proposal so unless you tell me that you are NOT READY for marriage, we’ll call ourselves engaged now”.
At this moment in time, he’s being a dick. You know he is and I hope if he proposes and you stay that this is a temporary glitch. I would be beyond pissed that he told me I hadn’t left. He’s testing your boundaries, which isn’t a good thing. Which means you need to take back your boundaries. So don’t make empty threats, if you say you’re going to leave him then you leave him. Leaving shouldn’t be something you throw around casually (and I’m sure you didn’t) but he ignored that and so does not respect your threat. He thinks he can walk all over you. So at 6 years if he hasn’t proposed you need to leave (or kick him out).
If he doesn’t propose and you do leave then I think he’ll get back in contact and propose to get you back. Say no. If you did go back you’d have to work out your issues first but also you’d be letting go of your boundaries again and letting him walk all over you again.
You get a say in this. This is your life. This isn’t just his life. You might not get to know everything if a “proper” proposal is important to you both but you can compromise. So talk to him, tell him how you feel. His stance might not change, he might still tell you it’s 6 years and you need to be patient. However, you have a choice in that you don’t need to accept that. You can leave whenever you want, you don’t actually have to get to 6 years. You can turn to him and say that you don’t feel like you have any say in your future and that you don’t want that.
Post # 7
Set an internal walk date. I mean it.
This guy is a total jerk who’s calling your bluff. He knew you were expecting the ring, he’s supposedly gone out and bought a ring, so why on earth would he organise nothing for the anniversary and then blame not proposing on that? And then to say ‘oh it’ll happen before the 6th anniversary, be patient’ is utter bull. This guy is stringing you along and toying with your feelings and your future because he knows you won’t leave him.
Set an internal walk date (i.e. don’t give him the ultimatum) for the month before your 6th anniversary. If he hasn’t proposed by then, walk. Don’t give him the chance to leave it to the very last minute and then disappoint you again. If he supposedly had the ring by your 5th anniversary, he shouldn’t need until your 6th to pop the question if he’s serious.
Post # 8
After that 5years and you didn’t leave comment, i’dve upped myself from the sofa and packed a bag,
I’dve left and not spoken to him since, if he wanted to be a couple and get engaged after that he’s perfectly capable of doing it off his own back, but that comment would’ve hurt me so much more than him not actually proposing,
I don’t have any advice for you bee bit I felt I had to comment because my heart hurt for you, chin up luvvie x
Post # 9
Have you considered that maybe he wants to surprise you? An engagenent is a big deal for you but it also is a big moment for him too, perhaps he wants to plan something nice and surprise you instead of you expecting it. It wasnt very nice of him to say those things but i also think he maybe is feeling frustrated with you constantly bringung up that he hasnt proposed. He said he would propose before your 6th anniversary, i say trust him and wait. Dont ask him about it anymore thats my advice
Post # 10
I don’t really believe he has a ring, especially because of that manipulative comment “you haven’t left yet.”
I’d ask to see it, or see the receipt, as some of the other bees have said.
Honestly, he could’ve proposed over pizza at home, so I don’t understand where he’s coming from.
Post # 11
After that six year comment, I don’t understand why you still want to marry HIM.
Post # 12
I hope I’m totally wrong on this, but sometimes when people began dating when they were very young, their mutual relationship sort of overtakes the need for the partners to grow and change as individuals.
From your comments, it seems as though you’ve wound up being bogged down in discussion about eventual events rather than specifics about the present.
Is he REALLY ready to make a permanent legal commitment, or is he talking from the voice of the 18 year old who’s gotten several years older but stayed in the same thinking mode?
Do you feel there’s an advantage to pursuing your goal if he’s not yet 100% part of it?
Post # 13
At first I felt like, well maybe since you guys had talked about it being by the 5th anniversary he didn’t want to do it that day because it wouldn’t be a surprise…but since it has been 6 months since then, PLUS he could have surprised you by doing it on a random day that had no special meaning before your anniversary, I don’t think that wanting to surprise you is a reason for the delay. This all seems very cruel to me…as a waiting bee myself I understand how hard it can be when an expectation is set and not met, but the fact that he has had the ring so long and hasn’t proposed even though you know he has it seems weird!
Post # 14
I agree, I call bullshit on the “he has a ring”
why on EARTH if he HAD a ring for your 5 year anniversary, and wanted it to be special, did he not plan something? why are you walking around town with no plan trying to find something to eat when he’s gearing up for a proposal?
I call bullshit.
Post # 15
Let me preface this by saying that I’m obviously just a stranger on the internet.
I do find the way in which your BF communicates in no way age-appropriate – this is coming from a woman 2.5 years older than her soon to be 25 Fiance. With that being said, if he behaves like a decent guy with regard to everything else, here is what I would suggest doing:
Decide when you want to be married, then sit him down. Tell him you don’t need a proposal but you are tired of waiting and want to get married. Ask him if he wants to get married by your date (leave a little room for his suggestions). Either he says no, if which case I suggest you walk because he is clearly not ready. Or he says yes, which case you tell him “great, I consider us engaged now. I start looking for venues tomorrow” and start planning a wedding with or without a ring. If he wines about not getting to propose to you, make it clear he brought that upon himself.
Most importantly, I hope this is actually the case, make it clear you don’t need him. Get your ducks in a row and keep them that way. He seems way too sure that you’ll stick around. I’m usually not someone for extreme measures, but if you can, you might want to stay with friends or family for a few days the next time he delivers a line like that.