Perspectives, please.

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

thisismyworkmug :  

The timing of your divorce being finalized is irrelevant, leave that out of the equation.  By the time it was final, it was nothing more than a ministerial act.

Your bf’s discomfort with what you’re calling ‘confrontation’ is very concerning.  He is not allowed to dodge the issue of your shared future.  You’re close enough to be intimate and live together, you have an unassailable right to know what his thoughts are about engagement and marriage.

The way the relationship “evolved” is a bit odd.  He just sort of hung around until you pushed him to commit to moving in.

It’s time to sit him down for a serious, adult conversation about the future.  No dodging permitted.  If he absolutely refuses to discuss marriage at this point, you have your answer, Bee.  The relationship is going nowhere.

If he’s open to the prospect, your task is to discuss timelines and see if you can get them to sync.

Post # 3
Member
3545 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

thisismyworkmug :  I firmly believe that you shouldn’t have to push someone into moving in or marrying or anything like that. Being more “direct” got him to move in with you, but marriage is a legal committment that it sounds like he may not be ready for. Rather than pushing him into it, I would try to sit down and have a conversation with him about what he wants and if he has a timeline in mind. Is he thinking that he wants to go back to school first so that he can contribute to the household more and then he would feel ready to get married? Who knows if you haven’t asked. You need to be able to have difficult and important conversations because it comes with the territory when you’re married (as I’m sure you know). Also, everyone has different timelines and expectations that work for them (ex. I wouldn’t move in before being engaged) so you have to do what’s right for you and not live on other people’s arbitrary timelines. Now, if he can’t open up about what he wants and when he wants it, and doesn’t seem receptive to marriage, then you know that he may not be the one unless you’re willing to sacrifice your own desire of getting married. 

Post # 5
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

You wanted to buy a house in your name only which he has contributed money and time into but you are the only one getting a financial benefit from that in the long run.  He wants to go back to school and you refuse to help him financially without marriage.  Something is very off about that agreement and approach towards things.  

Post # 6
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’d echo what PPs have said, and add that if an open honest conversation about your future together is perceived as a “confrontation” then you probably don’t have much future together…

You need to talk together and share your thoughts, feelings and expectations – better to find out now if you’re on the same page.

Post # 9
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

thisismyworkmug :  

Oh, Bee.  Pretty much everyone had a bad split in the past.  Not a valid excuse.

The divorce would only be a factor if you had been interacting with your ex in some fashion that was meaningful.  My divorce from my abusive ex wasn’t final when I met Dh.  It meant nothing.  I was just running out the clock at that point.  It had zero impact on our relationship.

The fact that your bf’s ex had to throw him out is far more concerning.  What was that all about?

And I totally agree.  I would not invest financially in this guy at this point.

jenkat205 :  

Fixing stuff around your house is just something boyfriends do.  It’s quite normal and most don’t expect to be compensated for it.  It’s a guy thing.  

OP’s alternative would be to hire people to do the work and a lot of guys would never stand for that.  Male ego is a thing.

 

Post # 10
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

thisismyworkmug :  I’m seconding the finalization of your divorce being irrelevant. You may have only finalized your divorce this year, but the fact that you were separated-but-technically-not-legally-divorced didn’t deter him from dating you nor moving in with you, so the clock doesn’t get re-set on what amounts to a legal formality. 

If you want to be with this man, you have to let him know that this conversation dodging is not okay with you. Not just in regards to a proposal and marriage, but in general. You don’t want a life partner who will not discuss relevant issues with you or let you voice any concerns, thoughts or feelings you have. 

jenkat205 :  I don’t blame her for being hesitant to help him out financially re going back to school, when he refuses to even have an adult conversation with her about their relationship. 

Post # 11
Member
2071 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

thisismyworkmug :  I agree that the divorce finalization is irrelevant. You have been dating for 2yrs. Have the conversation about your timelines. Just see where his head is at. If he gets defensive (my SO can get defensive if I bring up something out of the blue, he likes to know something is coming – its a trait he gets from his mom, we’re working on it) just warn him its coming. Before we had our talk, I was asking SO what was on the agenda that night and what we were having for dinner and I just gave him a quick heads up text “I want to talk about timelines, schedules and the future tonight over dinner” He knew it was coming and it gave him time to digest and focus his mind around it. It worked out great. Just give him a heads up and have the talk. I just asked when he saw us getting married (I already knew that he wanted to get married) and we just tried to get on the same timeline. Just have the talk! Warn him its coming so he doesn’t get defensive, say in the opening lines “There is nothing here to get defensive about, this is just an honest talk about our (hopefully) shared future” and go from there. Good luck! 

Post # 12
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  +1

OP, 

 

While I would understand if you were NOT separated, you were separated and your SO was okay with being with you sexually and living with you, so it’s not cool for anyone to cite diviorce status as the reason he can’t further talks. 

Your divorce status was a matter of legality and paperwork at this point. 

I would write down where you want this to go and make a list of must  haves and whys to clarify things in your own mind (don’t give him the list) and then sit him down with a very clear agenda and have a talk where you get some answers from him. 

I do think it’s fair to give him time to respond, as you say he is not good with confrontation and many people need time to think before they respond, so I would set a time to follow up after your talk so he knows he does not need to respond right then, but will be expected to be honest with you even if it’s unpleasant. 

I might even ask him how he prefers to have tougher conversations, because you say he avoids these things.

 

You say he shows respect and helps out with things, so those are good signs that his heart is in the right place. That doesn’t mean it’s easy for him to talk about his feelings, though. Good luck, bee.

Post # 13
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I don’t think this conversation needs to be confrontational. You both have future goals and they both cost money and take some planning. I would ask him if he’d mind making a future plan with you, you can see where/if marriage fits into his plan and when he sees that happening. You don’t want to spend your time building a life with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you!

Also echoing that the divorce finalization dates are irrelevant. If it wasn’t relevant enough to keep him from starting up a relationship & moving in with you, it doesn’t get to become relevant now 🙂

Post # 14
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Charliejeorge :  I 100% agree.  If a conversation around the future has to be a confrontation, that doesn’t sound like a good sign to me.  Could you not have a calm conversation where you both discuss your vision for the future, needs and timeframe?

Post # 15
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I agree that the timing of the divorce being finalized is irrelevant.  I dated during my year long separation and met my current SO just 3 months after my divorce was final.  My SO and I have a plan for our future that includes engagement in the next couple years (I’m proposing to him 😎) and marriage in 2024 (after my two oldest graduate from high school).  We aren’t in a hurry though as we’re older and won’t be having kids. But we talk about our plan often and openly and are both excited about it!

My point is bee, you should be able to have a conversation and make a plan.  Don’t sit around wondering. Tell him what would make you happy and have him tell you what he wants and meet in the middle. Better to find out sooner than later that a relationship is a dead end.  And if it isn’t and you are on the same page you’ll feel so much better!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors