(Closed) Petrified and conflicted in having children

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
899 posts
Busy bee

I think you sound like a very self-aware and extremely responsible woman! Your concerns make a lot of sense!

To me, it’s only responsible to want to be self-sufficient financially aside from your husband. Aside from the issue of wanting to set a good example for future children, what if something were to happen to him and you were forced to become the breadwinner? Best to be prepared for that, right?

The idea of wanting to be a good living example for your future children is so dead on. You want to be proud of yourself so your little ones can also be proud of you and walk in your footsteps.

You’re 27, that’s not terribly old! Why not take a year or two and build your career, start a business, go to school or something like that? Set a path for yourself personally. Nothing wrong with that at all!

Post # 4
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@CurlyWurly:  I suggest you go see a counsellor… a neutral third party where you can get to the root of this. It can really help – I had a few sessions myself with one.

Absolutely – your past will definitely affect your present and future. And that’s perfectly normal.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get your career off the ground before you have kids. That’s what a lot of us do. I’m also 27 and scared to have kids. I am pretty sure I want at least one, but I too am worried about the sacrifices that need to be made. But then again I realize that my guy is great and I don’t even have to take a full year off work if I don’t want to. My mom gave a lot up for my sister and I and it hurt her. But I don’t ever plan on being a stay at home mom like she did.

I’m a little confused on your job situation the way you describe it, but I guess my suggestion is to get back into it as soon as you can. Your husband does sound like he’s supportive.

You don’t have to have kids right away. Realistically you could still wait til you’re 34-35 and you’d still be fine.

I’m not even sure this is all about the kids. I think you feel like you have something to prove – to yourself, the world. Focus on that, and then think about having kids.

Keep in mind though that some women have made great things happen while being mothers. Sure it’s a bit harder and you need to prioritize and maybe sleep a little less, but kids don’t make or break you.

I struggle w. the idea of gaining weight, having less time to myself, etc.. but especially if you have a supportive husband, you can have the best of both worlds. I highly recommend a blog that I read daily – it’s called A Cup of Jo. Joanna blogs about her experiences as a mother (she’s a writer/blogger and juggles working w. her baby), and she often features other mothers and their work/life balance. The URL is: http://www.joannagoddard.blogspot.com


Post # 5
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It sounds like you’re just not quite ready yet.  Spend the next year completely on yourself.  Get motivated, do something.  Build your career, go back to school, volunteer with an organization.  I agree that it’s a good idea to be somewhat financially independent before having children for just in case something happens to your husband and you are left alone to raise them.

You don’t have to be the mom that lets herself go.  You can remain an individual and still be a great mom.  Have you read Bringing up Bebe?  It’s a great book about an American mom contrasting basic American style parenting with French parenting.  French mothers seem to know how to balance being an individual with being a good mother.

Definitely talk to your husband about your feelings.  It doesn’t have to be negative.  He may have ideas or suggestions about what you can do to be more ready to take that step.

Post # 7
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I feel conflicted about having kids too- you’re not alone.  I have seen it put a lot of stress on marriages, and I like being able to go away on weekends and just relax after work with a book, or take a class, or just veg on the couch and watch TV with no one bothering me.

I wouldn’t be worried about “moving away from the traditional career route” because you don’t have to; in fact, a lot of people don’t even have that option.  Focus on the positive- you are lucky to have that choice.

Before you have kids, work on building your career.  It sounds like you would feel better if you took some steps in that direction before deciding if you want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom or go back to work.  And if you do decide to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, you would have something to go back to when your kids go to school.

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