Post # 1
In short, he wants to wait until after comp next year to propose, extending our “timeline” (guideline?) by about a year. He thinks that he will “have more time to plan” when he’s ABD.
Will he be less stressed after comps or will it actually be harder than he thinks due to other work?
I’m hoping those of you who have gone through grad school can reassure me that this is the path of least crazy for him and that after comps he will have a tiny bit more time for non-school related activities.
For those who would ask: He wants to get me the ring and will not agree to be engaged without one. I just want to skip to the end. Points if you also thought of Princess Bride right there.
Post # 3
I’m finishing my PhD program this semester, and life was very different after comps. I went from being super busy and overly stressed to mildly busy and much less stressed. So, yes, I agree with him that he’ll have more time once comps pass. Is he talking about having more time for actually planning the wedding, though? If so, just from my experience and that of my friends, it’s typically been the girl who puts more time into wedding planning (certainly not always the case, but in the situations I’ve witnessed). If he’s waitiing so he can dive into wedding planning, maybe let him know that it might not take as much of his time as he expects. For the first 12 months of my engagement, when I was conceptualizing the wedding and coming up with ideas, my husband had very few tasks to do. Then he got busy in the planning process over the last 3 months when everything really came together. Just my two cents.
Post # 4
I don’t know his field, but for me after comps and classes I had more time to myself until it was time to write my thesis proposal. After that, I pretty much made up my own schedule unfoutunately I tend to push myself to work harder then needed. He is probably thinks, like I did, when all of this mandatory crap is done he can take a breather. My advice to him, life is short, yes take the exams and jump through the hoops, but don’t put your life on hold to do it.
Post # 5
I think he’s right. I’ve been looking at a few PhD programs. I just did the interviews, although I think I’m going to choose not to do it. But still, I was asking a lot of these questions. It could depend on the school (if you don’t get funded by the university anymore you may have to take on TAships, for example), but I think that yes, it is easier without taking courses, and that it is much easier when you get to choose your schedule and pace after qualification exams.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I just have my MS, but my friends who have done PhDs totally disappeared before their comps. It’s super intense for months and months. Then things chill out until the defense gets close. So I’d have to agree with your SO…
Post # 7
@hardtoconcentrate: While he wants to be active with wedding planning, it seems he’s stressing out about the ring/proposal and that’s the “planning” he’s talking about having more time for. I won’t be heartbroken if he finds he’s got more free time than he anticipated.
Post # 8
@Helium: Ahh, I see. That makes sense to me – my husband spent a great deal of time researching diamonds/rings and purchasing the ring. Hopefully, he’ll find some spare time before his comps and be able to surprise you earlier than expected!
Post # 9
No there really isn’t more time. After comps it just changes what you spend your time on. More time on research less on homework and studying. I was engaged the whole year I was studying for comps. It is possible to get engaged now before comps and plan the wedding during that year. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal for the guy too since they don’t have nearly the stake in wedding planning that the bride does.
Post # 10
Yes, way more time. I would not have wanted to get engaged before comps. I got engaged right before I did my dissertation proposal and will be getting married about 3 months after graduating and starting a postdoc across the country. The timing actually is working out quite well.
Post # 11
Oh wait, he’s in school and you aren’t? In that case, and assuming you are doing most of the planning, I don’t think it matters that much.
Post # 12
After my comps (we called them “Generals”, I had loads more time. My class group were basically study group hermits in the year leading up to generals. I got a LOT of free time back afterwards.
Post # 13
There is a lot of stress and pressure in the run up to comps, and a period of decompression/depression right afterward. I would say get engaged now, or wait and don’t expect anything until at least three to six months later.