(Closed) Picked the wrong friend as MOH…what do I do?!

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My cousin was just in a wedding where there was asked to be a Co-MOH and eveything was fine. My cousin started out as the original Maid/Matron of Honor and the co was added much later into the planning. I think it would be fine, your Maid/Matron of Honor now shouldn’t feel upset by you wanting to include another one of your closest friends. And it doesn’t sound like you want to remove her from being a Maid/Matron of Honor so I don’t see why there would be any hurt feelings.

As for your other BMs feeling left out, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Maybe just tell them that the day of the wedding you want them to stay closeby so you can get some pictures with them and such. It is impossible to always please everyone, so as long as you are doing this in a polite way and not rubbing it in to the other girls then I don’t see what the big deal is. They might be hurt by it of course, but people can’t always have every one of their close friends in their bridal party.

I wouldn’t worry about having to “even things out” with the Groomsmen either though. Maybe the best man could just walk down with one of the girls on each side. Or you could let them all go individually. I really don’t think anyone cares/notices walking lineups or whatever so I wouldn’t feel obligated to add another Groomsmen just to even it out.

Post # 4
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

don’t worry about what other people think.. if you wants two girls, than have two girls.. you can’t worry about hurting peoples feelings or what other people think or you will never get what you want… i had an uneven wedding party and no one thought twice about it, it even photographed well!

Post # 5
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think if you’re realizing now that you made the wrong move, you should try to fix it now.  I picked the wrong girl to be my Maid/Matron of Honor (wrong for totally different reasons) and I didn’t fix it or address it at all.  The time leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself were difficult with her as my Maid/Matron of Honor and the issues that came up have effectively ruined our friendship.  If you can possibly address this now, I would.  I don’t want you to go through what I went through!

Post # 6
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I did kinda the same thing. Picked a friend who’s dear, but mom to a toddler and pretty self-absorbed to boot. One of my BMs is standing in for a lot of the organizational help and responsibilities that would normally fall to Maid/Matron of Honor. I told this Bridesmaid or Best Man months ago that I wish I picked her for Maid/Matron of Honor and would switch it if I could. She told me not to switch because it would create too many bad feelings, but I think she felt good knowing that she’s my “secret choice.” My wedding’s in 3 weeks, and things have actually worked out much better than I would have imagined earlier on. Good luck!

Post # 7
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would just add one more on each side. Just tell your current Maid/Matron of Honor that your other friend is really excited and a wedding palnner and realyl wants to be involved so she too is going to be in the wedding and that the two of them can work on things together. Honestly, if she is a mom it willl probably relieve some stress off of her too so that she has help.

Post # 9
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am kind of in the same situation.  I am have a backup/co-maid of honor.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is great help as she is a florist as is her mom (they do big weddings.. like did donald trumps for example), and is doing all my personals for the cost of materials, they have gotten the company to comp. many things, she also was the one that went with me to every appointment I had to help me pick out THE WEDDING DRESS. My other BMs haven’t dont anything close to what she has done.. HOWEVER…

My Maid/Matron of Honor is HORRIBLE to get in touch with. I call her/text her/ email her/ facebook her…etc.  on her day off Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday…. and I’m lucky if I hear back from her that week….she’s not good at responding, or planning ahead. She lives the furthers, and has one of the oddest work schedules….

I am lucky as I have 4 other BMs that are local, and 4 other that are not local…and a lot of friends that are not part of the bridal party offer to help with anything I need help with, help the BMs to play shower and bachelorette party..etc.

So, I simple told her that because she has so much going on, and that she has already helped me so much and will be helping me so much by doing all the personals for the wedding, and helping with all the decor + flowers for the ceremony/reception that I want her to have help or if she needs to put the planning of the shower & bachelorette party on some of the other BMS.  (Mind u I had asked my back of Maid/Matron of Honor if this would be okay before telling her, and a few other BMs so there are several girls to help plan all this.. dont want it to lay on 1 person).  My Maid/Matron of Honor said she felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders when I asked her if that would be okay…. she didn’t want anything for my wedding to be less than perfect, but also didn’t know how she could get it all done!

My parents are throwing a little party for my friends to celebrate our engagement (its just so many things have gone on since our engagements (8months ago) we have only have been able to celebrate with family which is about 400 + people…and all but 2 BMs are going to be there, including my Maid/Matron of Honor and my back up Maid/Matron of Honor.  They are going to talk, and talk with my friends not in the wedding that have offered and split up the responsiblilites for each.


Just know there are a lot of ways to handle thing, and maybe you made the wrong decision but you don’t hurt feelings due to this, as she probably feels a TON of stress on her with the new baby and all too.  But like some girls have said… the sooner you talk to her about this, the better.  Just make sure your co-MOH is okay with everything.  Perhaps she wants to help but doesn’t want to be IN the wedding as you’ve only planned for a Maid/Matron of Honor and ur FI’s Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Post # 10
420 posts
Helper bee

I would just be honest with her. Tell her you adore her, but explain to her that you feel that her being so far away, having a small child, might be hard on her and that you don’t want to add any stress to her life. She may even feel relieved. For some, the Maid/Matron of Honor is a demanding task. Also mention to her about your other friend, how she is closer, single, in school to be a wedding planner, and it will likely work out best for all. If you tell her in an honest and sincere way, I’m sure she will be understanding. It’s all about the wording.

I wouldn’t keep her as Maid/Matron of Honor just to be polite. It is not fair to you and also, as I said, she might actually be relieved. At the very least, test the waters… get a feel for her reaction.

Best of luck!

Post # 11
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have two Maids of honor, but to make each one feel special I named the older/married one my Matron of Honor and the single younger one my Maid of Honor. Maybe you can do something like this 🙂

Post # 12
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I have two maids of honor as well- I say go for it and as PP said, make efforts to make them both feel special.


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