Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and livi together for 2. I’ve been in grad school at night for the past 4 years and now ill be done in December. We’be discussed getting engaged and he says that he “wants it to be a surprise” and that he is waiting for me to be be done w school. I started thinking about what kind of ring I’d like, and I decided I do have a specific style or two in mind and also that I don’t want a diamond.
Anyway i am not a big jewelry wearer so I found I’m pretty particular about what I saw online that I could see myself in, and lucky for him (ha!) I also thinking The type of ring im liking is less money on average that your typical diamond ring.
With all that said, I told him last night that I think I know what kind of ring I like, if he ever wants me to show it to him.
He laughed and said sure show me some time, but then he says, I thought this was going to be my surprise, doesn’t the guy that’s buying the ring pick put what HE likes?
so this is my issue. Is that right? I thought if you’re going to spend a lot of money on a piece of jewelry that the woman wears, that she should get something she likes, and two wouldn’t he be more concerned w making me happy, not with controlling the ENTIRE situation??? I mean unless he has a family heirloom thats already set, why would he care what he gets me? I undestand if he doesnt wantmto pay for something he absolutely hates, but geez its like he has no interest in hearing what i want at all. Am i being bratty to insist that if hes going to spend money thatnhe should strongly listen to my preferences?
Post # 3
Member
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
No he doesn’t buy what he likes, he picks what he thinks YOU like. It is YOUR ring, tell him sure he can pick what he likes and wear it! You’re the one wearing it so it’s fine for you to give him an idea of your taste 🙂 Or even show him a specific ring you like.
Post # 4
Member
3919 posts
Honey bee
You’re not being bratty but a lot of guys want it to be up to them – that’s traditionally the way it’s been done and he may like that idea.
I would make suggestions, maybe not say “I want this ring and ONLY this ring”. Have a conversation that you’d like a non-diamond ring. Maybe give him shape ideas (round, halo, etc). Give the general things you like, but let the final descision be up to him. He wants to get you something you love; give him some direction and trust that he knows you well enough to get something you’ll like.
Post # 5
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
I have made my SO very aware of what I want. When we first srtarted talking about getting engaged, we were at the mall and we started looking at rings. He picked out a solitaire and told me that is what he thought I would like. I’m not a solitaire kind of girl. And I’m not overly sure I trust his sense of style. I mean, he goes out in the summer time with shorts, socks and flip flops on. Do you blame me for not trusting him to pick it out on his own?
Post # 6
Member
6746 posts
Bee Keeper
Welcome to the hive!
You will find that it goes all ways. Some guys want their SO’s input. Some guys make it a complete surprise and the girl didn’t even know it was coming. Some guys pick the ring out on their own and don’t give their SO’s a say.
Personally, my FI has let me pick the top 3 rings I like best, knowing the top one that I want the most and I know he is working on getting it made for me. I’ve given him the specifications for everything – the exact type of setting I want and the size of the stones, etc.
If you really want a say, tell him that while you want him to pick out your ring and make it a surprise, you would really like it if you could show him a few styles that you liked so that he could pick from one of those styles or have a general idea of what you like and what you dislike. Explain to him that YOU will be wearing this ring for the rest of YOUR life and that he should want to buy the ring that HE thinks YOU will like because it is a gift for YOU to wear.
If he’s bought you jewelry before and done a good job though, I doubt that you will have to worry about it. I know what I wanted is not popular at all and I’ve seen maybe 1-2 bees on these boards with that style and it’s not commonly seen in jewelry stores (we went to a bunch of stores and I don’t think any of them had exactly what I was looking for, it will have to be custom made). So, since I was so particular, I was really happy that my FI let me have a say in it. He also understands the importance of a ring, the proposal, etc. to a girl and the fact that I will be the one wearing it and looking at it every day forever.
Post # 7
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
He can pick out what he likes if he intends to wear the ring on his finger every day for the next 70 years. But if that’s not his plan, then you should get a say in it. This is a significant financial decision and it should not be made unilaterally.
Edit: We compromised. I designed my setting and Mr. LK chose my stones. The only guideline I gave him for the stones was that they had to be certified Canadian diamonds. He got to choose the shape and 4 Cs.
Post # 8
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
@Kannf1982: Here’s what I did. I have a friend who knew exactly what I wanted but we live in different states and Fh only met her once, so I prepped my new BFF just in case. My FH is a “I can do everything on my own”/”I hear what you like” type guy. So needless to say, I was worried for a while. I straight out told him what I wanted but when it came down to it- he proposed without a ring! I was slightly disappointed in that moment but then was like- omg, I get to choose my own ring!
advocate for yourself! Show him what you want. Go ring shopping together just him give him an idea. it will suck to get a ring you don’t like! Believe me. I have some friends with partners who are dolls and listen, or have good sense. My FH doesn’t- when I told him I didn’t want anymore jewlery bcs it was too expensive, he took that to mean “buy her cheap giant earrings from Bloomingdales!” LOL!
Post # 9
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Well, the ring is technically his gift to you. He picks and he pays. Some guys are smart and have the woman pick it out or do something similarly. Personally I would sit down and look at various styles online. If there is something he likes but you dont be VERY vocal and specific. In the end though, if he is paying for it he does get to choose. Try to not look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a guy who is dropping money on jewelry for you! He wants to marry you! That is GREAT!!
Post # 10
Member
4961 posts
Honey bee
@Kannf1982: Just because that’s tradition doesn’t mean it has to be done that way. Also, tradition is changing. I think it’s far more common for couples to pick rings together than it used to be.
Even if he did buy you one you wanted, the actual proposal would still be a surprise.
Maybe compromise and chose several you like and let him pick from those. Then it’s still a surprise.
Post # 11
Member
4442 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
I think every couple is different in this sense, just because he wants it to be a suprise doesn’t mean it won’t be because you showed him a ring or two you liked! Doesn’t he want to make sure he knows what you like! I showed FI two rings and he “suprised” me by picking the one, plus I didn’t know how or when he was going to propose.
Post # 12
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
I was THRILLED when my husband asked me what I liked, because he didn’t want to buy something I didn’t like.
You should let him know what you like, but be nice about it. You don’t want to insult his taste, or ruin his surprise. The proposal is the surprise.
Print out some pictures and directly give them to him. Let him know that you do trust him, and you want it to be a surprise, but there are certain things you really like. With pictures, and ideas from you, it’ll actually make his life easier when he goes shopping.
Post # 13
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@Kannf1982: We’re selecting my ring together. I have strong opinions of what I want, and he wants me to end up w. something I like. With that said, I wouldn’t pick something he hates.
You can still be surprised if you give him a little direction. Saying “I don’t want a diamond and I hate yellow gold and I want a thin band” is excellent direction.
Post # 14
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
I designed my custom engagement ring and we picked out the diamond together, although he ultimately purchased it.
He should understand what you like and that you’ll be the one wearing it. My proposal was just as much as surprise and just as sweet even though I’d seen the ring.
Post # 15
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
I had no say in my e-ring. I would try to show DH what I liked, but he would not pay attention. It was really frustrating. He is like your SO and believes the guy gets 100% say in the ring. *sigh*. But he did an amazing job. He picked a ring that is perfect for me and one that I never in a million years would have even picked myself. He knows me better than I realized, so trust your man to do the same.
Post # 16
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
When my sister knew she was getting engaged we went out and tried on rings together for shits and giggles. From that trip I knew round brilliant looked best on me, in spite of the fact that it’s commoniest diamond that ever commoned.
(Princess looked the worst)
So my fiance ultimately picked out the ring, the size of the diamond, the style of the band, the metal and surprised me with it. But I did ask for a round brilliant and I told him that it was cool to pick a solitaire on a plain band because it’s a neutral style that will go well with lots of things. I figured he’d respect my wishes but didn’t really know for sure. I’m happy he did-though I know if he’d gone my brother-in-law’s route and given me something less common (my sister has a 1.5 carat heart solitaire) I’d have loved it because it came from him, just like my sister fell in love with her heart solitaire (she’d also asked for round brilliant).
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