Post # 1
I’ve got a dilemma on how to handle a MOH/Bridesmaid situation…
I have two best friends who I have known for about 18 years. We were friends all through school, but it was only really only a few years ago that it became the three of us that always hung out together. Around this time (when I wasn’t even close to getting married), my one friend (Friend #1) and I had a casual discussion about how we should be the Maid/Matron of Honor at each other’s wedding because we didn’t have sisters but our other friend (Friend #2) did. We figured she would definitely get to be a Maid/Matron of Honor in someone’s wedding so we should be the Maid/Matron of Honor for each other so we’d both have a chance. Well, I ended up rooming with my friend (#2) all through college and really think of her like a sister. I really wanted to have her as my maid of honor and have already asked her. Problem is my other friend (#1) still thinks she will be my Maid/Matron of Honor, even though I want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’ve already asked her to be in the wedding, but I just haven’t specified who will have what role.
How do I tell her I want to be in my wedding but I’ve picked my other best friend as my MOH? I don’t want anyone to feel that they’re less important to me or that I’m ranking my friends. But at the same time, I don’t want to diminish the role my best friend will play as Maid/Matron of Honor because that’s not fair either.
Post # 3
That is really tough – I have been through something like this, and it’s hard but it’s also good you picked the friend that you knew you wanted to choose!
As far as talking to your other friend, at this point I’d say the sooner the better. Unless you want to have two MOH’s (which would be a great option!), then I think you just need to tell her that it was a difficult choice and you don’t want her to think you are ranking your friends, but having lived with the other friend has made you feel a certain bond with her.
My situation was that I have one friend from middle school and high school, and we’ve had a lot of ups and downs but we’re still very loyal to each other. My other potential Maid/Matron of Honor was my roommate last year and possibly my best college friend. I knew in my gut that I wanted her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and that she would do a wonderful job, but I was so worried that my high school friend would be upset by it. Luckily, she and I actually ended up having a pre-emptive conversation and she totally acknowledged that we both knew the truth of who I wanted to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I reaffirmed to her that I wanted her to be in the wedding party and that she shouldn’t see it as me ranking my friends. (As a sidenote, I think it helps that my Maid/Matron of Honor college friend will be with me next year, is very organized and reliable, and is the one who helped my fiance with my ring taste.)
The other tough part of my bridal party stuff was that I had 7 good friends I’d be happy to have as BMs, but really only wanted 4 – so I used the most objective way I knew and chose 4 that I’d been close to the longest. I think the other 3 understand and know that I want them to be involved in the wedding as well.
The bottom line is that it’s hard to do this without hurting anyone’s feelings, but you also need to do what works best for you and choose people based only on what they expect or how they feel. Good unselfish friends will appreciate that this is hard for you and be understanding. Good luck!
Post # 4
This can definitely be a sticky situation. If you want only one Maid/Matron of Honor then maybe you should speak with your friend who will be the Bridesmaid or Best Man. But you do have the option of having two MOHs. That is what my cousin did. She had her sister as Maid/Matron of Honor (naturally) and my sister as Maid/Matron of Honor because my sister helped her meet her husband. It actually worked out better than I thought it would and noone stepped on anyone’s toes.
Just make sure what you choose to do is what you really want. We all can give you advice but only you know the situation. Good luck!
Post # 5
Would you be willing to consider having two MOHs? You’re allowed to bestow that title on anyone you want, and there’s no rule that only one person can mean enough to you to be Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 6
Can you pick two?
I picked my younger sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor, and my twin sister as a Bridesmaid or Best Man (along with FSIL). I didn’t want two MOHs because then it would have been like Future Sister-In-Law was odd-man-out. I told my twin that our younger sister never got to be a Maid/Matron of Honor and this would be her last chance (I was my twin’s Maid/Matron of Honor, my younger sister had both of us as her MOHs, and also my younger sister’s BFF chose the same wedding day as we did, so she can’t attend or be in her wedding either….). Even though the truth is, I am closer with my younger sister and I really wanted her next to me!
Post # 7
I had implied a few years ago that a friend of mine would be my Maid/Matron of Honor. Well, we aren’t as close anymore in my opinion. SHE thinks we are, but I’m just not feeling it. I chose my other very close friend, who was also my college roommate.
She never brought it up and is a bridesmaid. If she did, I’d just say that so-and-so and I are closer now or something to that effect It’s the truth!
Post # 8
Multiple MOH’s never hurt anyone, but then who do you decide signs the paper?? Therein lies the problem! You still have to choose between the two who signs the license or whatnot…and who walks/dances with the best man??
I have a similar problem in that my 3 bridesmaids are all equally special to me…and I have NO idea which of them to choose as my Maid/Matron of Honor…On top fo that, I’ve been Maid/Matron of Honor for two of the three…and a bridesmaid for the third…do I go with the one I wasn’t Maid/Matron of Honor for, to eliminate the tension…or do I choose no MOH? Worst decision I’m having to make…about the wedding that is…hah
Post # 9
My SIL let me think I was the Maid/Matron of Honor until 5 min before the wedding. NOT a good time to tell someone. (I still hold a grudge even though I shouldn’t…)
I would just ask her to be your bridesmaid, and gush about how excited you are for her to participate in your wedding. Leaving ambiguity will just give her hope, and it’ll hurt when she finds out, so tell her soon. There’s no way around a difficult decision, just press on. She may be hurt, but she’s your friend and she’ll get over it.
Post # 10
A friend of mine wanted me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, but her mom thought it would look bad if her sister wasn’t Maid/Matron of Honor… so we both became "Honor Attendants," and the other girls were bridesmaids.
Post # 11
I agree with the suggestions to have two if that is something you’re open to. I had two MOH’s, my best friend from college and my best friend from law school.
I would also agree about talking to her as soon as possible. One of my MOH’s has been engaged for 2 years, and kept putting off telling anyone who the Maid/Matron of Honor was for her wedding – then finally, last week (only 3 weeks til her wedding!) she basically told me I wasn’t Maid/Matron of Honor by putting up on her website that someone else was Maid/Matron of Honor. She has e-mailed me about wedding things since, and has just avoided the subject. I know it’s SO hard to tell people these things in person, or on the phone, but it’s a lot worse for them to find out through someone else. I wish my friend had just told me the situation straight up – now I feel like things will be really awkward between us at the wedding….
Post # 12
I had this problem too! I was moh for 3 friends (best friend from kindergarten, middle school and high school. I also have a sister. My sis and I are close but she is not a wedding party person, and she is a freshman in college in Hawaii (I know, I’m jealous too!) I wound up choosing the girl who lives in town with me as Maid/Matron of Honor and asking the others to be bm (I also asked his sister and my cousin) I knew when I picked my Maid/Matron of Honor the other two girls might be a bit upset but I am so happy with my choice. The friend who I picked is the best most supportive Maid/Matron of Honor I could ask for! So go with your gut and pick the girl you know is right, if the others are really your friends they will understand.
Post # 13
Also, as far as the logistics of two MOH’s, and two best men, here’s what we did:
The church said it’s always the two oldest who sign the license, so that was easily decided for us.
All of them made speeches – we did 2 speeches, then another course of dinner, then 2 more speeches
All four sat up at the front of the church on the altar, while the other Bmaids & groomsmen sat in the pews in the front row.
It wasn’t really that complicated I didn’t think.
Post # 14
oh i asked all the girls who i had toasted if they would like to toast at the wedding, to give them the spotlight for a moment!
Post # 15
I would tell your friend that you are excited she is going to be a bridesmaid and you would love it if she would help your Maid/Matron of Honor out with certain things. Since they are friends it’s natural that they would plan things for you together.
Tell her soon though. It can be really hurtful finding out information like that from another source. That happened to me and I just felt like my friend didn’t think I could handle her decision, which was so far from the truth.