Post # 1
I’d like some advice- but please nothing harsh.
Here goes, SO and have been together almost 2 years. He took a job in NJ instead of Texas so we could be together. He’s a doctor and I’m an attorney. The problem is that we live in Central NJ which is 2 hours away from NYC, where I used to live and work. Since we are so far from NYC my commute there is very expensive by train and 4 hours plus a day (2 hrs each way). I was laid off in Feb and have been doing temp work paying me VERY little money whereas he makes abt 25K/month. He told me to quit to the temp job b/c the commute was really weighing on me. I don’t have a lot of money saved and he told me he’d “give” me money until I get another job. I said that I preferred not to be handed money or have to ask as that feels a bit degrading to me. I asked that we open a joint acct that we both put money into- he said no. He didn’t explain why.
Also, I don’t have a car here and requested that we get a car for me and he said that we could just share his car. I said that would be hard b/c of his work schedule and that I will need a car to start work soon.
Currently, we live in the burbs and I don’t have a mode of transportation and very little money.
Last night we got into a huge fight because I told him that I feel quite isolated and broke. If I had stayed in NYC I wouldn’t be in this situation. I feel like I’ve sacraficed so much and am feeling resentful. I’m considering moving back to NYC to get a job so I can have money.
I appreciate your advice Bees.
Post # 3
Idk is there not a job you can find closer to where you are living now? He could have taken that job in Texas but instead he wanted to be closer to you…. So I think it would be really unreassonable and rude for you to move back when he made such an effort to be near you.. I can understand you not wanting to take his money etc.. I get it your independent and you can make your own, but im still confused why you cant find a job closer..
Post # 5
I see that it’s a tough balance between your freedom and self worth regarding work. From an outside perspective it looks to me like he is caring for you and dong what a real man should!
Perhaps you can try and take advantage of this time to build your relationship and focus on what you really want for yourself. Try not to loose your dignity, you are more than your job!
Post # 6
I see a lot of pride in this situation. It’s understandable you don’t want to be “given” money because it feels as though strings are attached, you’re dependent, etc. The situation, as you’ve presented it to us, is negative and bad for the relationship. You’re becoming resentful; that’s bolstering a toxic environment.
So, is not taking his money (for now), which he offered, worth harming your relationship? Is it career > relationship or the other way around?
As mentioned above, there are absolutely no jobs, even one’s that could tibe you over for a bit, around your present location?
Post # 7
He gets points for moving to be with you, but the fact that you ended up with a 2 hr commute each way is just ridiculous.
I am also concerned that he doesn’t want you to have a car. Surely he must see how isolating it is for you. Maybe he likes it that way.
I don’t know the area, but surely there must be some need for an attorney in New Jersey.
Post # 8
If you can’t find work in New Jersey then you should definitely try to find work in NYC and move there. Honestly, he tried to help you and you said No because you don’t like being handed money. Is wounding your pride a bit really worth harboring resentful feelings towards this man? If you are totally against accepting money in a certain way why not discuss it so it”s a loan instead of a handout?
Post # 9
He sounds controlling. If he is willing to move to be with you, then money should not be an issue. The way I feel about it is if you have a relationship then everything becomes “ours” not his and hers. My opinion of course…
Post # 10
I don’t understand, you won’t take his money but you want him to help buy you a car? He is probably trying to be responsible with money because of your financial situation and a car might be stretching it too thin. I think you are not seeing you two as a team but individuals. You are concerned with you and not what is best in the long run. You might have to settle a little to get to where you need to be later. I don’t see him as the bad guy at all in this situation. I think you may also want to consider both of you relocating to a new location where you can both find jobs.
Post # 11
I personally would not be ok with him giving me money. I’m with you there. But that includes not allowing him to buy me a car either. I also understand why he wouldn’t want a joint account. Is it possible to find a job in NJ without quitting the temp job? I would just keep explaining to him that it’s important you make your own money and not take his.
Post # 12
Umm he makes 300k a year. I’m pretty sure you wouldnt even be making a dent in his salary, let him help you, there isnt anything wrong with that.
Post # 13
I’m with mrscheetos. Let him help you. He can afford it. Women would kill to be in your position.
Post # 14
@hopefloats: oh wow, I totally read that salary wrong. I don’t know what I was thinking. He could still have a lot of debt to consider though. Still confused about the car versus giving money thing, but I agree she should be willing to take money while to figures our a new plan that works well for the two of them.