(Closed) Planned to wait until marriage…so confused

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@anonnyymous1:  How will your friends find out if you don’t tell them? Physical intimacy is something personal that you shouldn’t be discussing with friends espcially if you think they are going to judge you. If you are getting married what you do with your fiance is between you and him. If your friends are good Christians then they know it’s not their place to judge you.

Post # 4
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your friends won’t find out unless you tell them. They should still stick by you no matter what. And just pray for guidance. I find it helps me get through anything.

Post # 5
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have a very strong Christian faith and had pledged to wait until marriage…Fiance and I decided not to wait.  I know that sex is supposed to be an indulgence for marriage, but I feel like we’re slightly forgiven since we WILL be married.  Okay, this sounded better in my head ๐Ÿ˜  I know it’s still wrong, but it just feels right, ya know?

 

I don’t find it disappointing, but perhaps it could be your conscience?  Sorry that I’m no help, I just wanted you to know that I have somewhat struggled with this!

Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

“I’ve been told so many times that sex is this amazing and wonderful act that “in marriage” will be so fulfilling and great. While we are not married, I can tell you that I would be feeling the SAME way I feel now if we had waited until we got married. I’m just sad that people hyped up sex to me so much”

Yeah that’s always been my fear for friends that are waiting until marriage, pretty much exactly. I can’t say I’m in the same boat, at all, but I can assure you sex is amazing – it just takes a little practice, openness and experimentation. There’s so many details and techniques that really make the experience worthwhile though the most important one you’ve already got down pat – your partner is someone you love and trust. From there the sky is the limit!

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

You and your fiancé have made your commitment to one another by becoming engaged. In previous, earlier times, the engagement would be very brief and you would be married quickly (already). You are having sex in a relationship where you have committed to one another for life in the eyes of G-d.  I see the marraige ceremony as the public acknowledgent of that committment. That may not match the doctrine of your organized religion, but i wanted to share my opinion.  Also, no one need know anything about the extent of your sexual practices. You certainly don’t know everything about your friends’ sexual practices, I’ m sure.  

 

Post # 8
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yesss. Oh god. So my Fiance and I were the same. Well my Future Mother-In-Law was so paranoid she ended up going through his garbage and found used condoms. So gross, eh? This is the start of all my problems with her – honestly, if she had minded her own business we could’ve been on good terms. My Fiance and I are grown adults and since that day, she has been trying to get us to read Christian books about becoming ‘reborn virgins’ etc etc…

Honestly, sex is so normal. I know we are supposed to remain ‘good Christians’, but I never could fathom how anyone could make the mental switch ‘sex is bad, sex is bad, oh, we’re married now, ok sex is now good’ and not be screwed up by it. If I had waited til my wedding night I would’ve been so disappointed. Not everyone agrees, but it is of my personal opinion that I need to know how sexually compatible I am with my partner. What if he had a gimonga dong and it’ll hurt forever?

If I had believed the hype with married sex, I would’ve cried.

Anyways, I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone that chooses to wait. It is a personal choice *regardless of what you choose*

Post # 9
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t stress over it. It seems to me that you got your hopes up about sex and its not what you though it would be. Don’t feel guilty, but if it bothers you so much you should confess and get on with life. It didn’t kill you right?

Post # 10
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I did not wait until marriage and there are so many times (although I’m a newlywed) that I wish so desperately that I would have. There’s something so romantic about it. There’s no need to gain experience, those experiences can belong to your spouse. You have your entire lives to explore and get frisky.

 

Some people say that the devil’s greatest trick is making folks have so much sex before marriage and so little after. Wait! You can do it. I wish I did.

Post # 11
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Alright. I don’t know if this really relates, but I’ll share. Lately I’ve been thinking about the ceremony and acutally being “married”. I hear lots of bees talk about how amazing it’s going to be to be married and they want to cherish this moment and bladity blah. Very well and good for them. But I’m not getting lots of cherish the moment when our love makes us one kinds of thoughts about the ceremony/wedding. But the  more I think about it, the more I’ve decided it’s because, in my mind, we’re already married. The big monumental moment for me was way back over a year ago when I made the decision to marry him. And when I told him that. And when we got engaged. In my mind we were in it for the long haul from that time forward, so the ceremony is more about committing in front of friends and family, because we’ve already committed to each other.

That’s a lot about me. And not really about you. Except that I suspect that the reason you two were okay with having sex with each other is because you’re already married in your own minds. And I don’t have a magic portal to God’s thoughts, but I think he cares more about the committment and love in your heart, than spoken vows and signed documents. So don’t let it worry you too much. And certainly don’t let anyone else make you feel bad. You’re the ones in the relationship. You know how you feel about each other. Be confident in that.

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Trinisexy2:  +1000000000. What you do with your husband to be is of no concern to others. They won’t find out unless you or your man start telling everyone. Honestly, who says that THEY haven’t had sex yet??? They could be keeping it a secret from you. 

I apologize in advanced for the long message

 I want you to know that you ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! Your post does put the spotlight on something that many women in your position are actually going through because of communities that push people to wait until they are married/don’t have proper sex ed. 

A lot of women hear this hype about “I’ve been told so many times that sex is this amazing and wonderful act that “in marriage” will be so fulfilling and great.” like you said, but are thoroughly dissapointed once it comes around BECAUSE it’s been so hyped up. I wish people could just be more honest about sex in communities (we see this problem a lot in the states). If younger people were more educated then things would be safer AND more enjoyable. 

There are a couple of other things I would love to add.

First of all, congratulations for taking that next step with the man that you love and will spend the rest of your life with. Even though you may be dissapointed right now…practise makes perfect ๐Ÿ˜‰

Which brings me to my next point…I’m not going to lie to you. I lost my virginity before I was with my fiance. I had a long term relationship and things progressed to that point. I next had what some may call a very quick “rebound”…a just for distraction man. I can’t really say that I regret my decisions because without my previous experiences I don’t know if fiance and I would be as great together as we are. BUT I do often feel guilty that I could not have “given” HIM my virginity. At least you know that this is the man you are marrying! 

I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason. Right now I’m kind of having one of those moments where I feel that this is ONE of the reasons my past has gone the way that it has. If I hadn’t experienced having sex with three different men I wouldn’t be able to tell you this:

Maybe women say that sex “in marriage” is fullfiling and great because it is! The awesome thing about knowing that this man is with you forever, in sickness and in health, til death do you part, means that you can be comfortable enough with THIS MAN to be able to openly communicate all of your wants and desires. For example, I did not enjoy sex with my first partner….ever. I did not once find pleasure out of it. BUT I NEVER TOLD HIM!!! I NEVER GAVE HIM HINTS OR ASKED TO TRY SOMETHING NEW! Now that I think about it, I know that it was because I was not 100% comfortable with him and was more worried about his feelings than I should have been, and I didn’t ever see myself having to deal with horrible sex for the rest of my life.

Now, with my fiance, I have been honest from the beginning. Now I love sex. He tries his best to do the things that we have spoken about that work for me, and have experimented, and it turns him on to know that I am happy. But I think that marriage, or knowing you are with someone for life, is kind of a solid reason in my head to be like “hello lady, if you don’t tell the truth, you have to deal with mediocre sex FOREVER”. If you don’t tell the truth, you may end up resenting him/not wanting to make love….and let me tell you that THAT will affect your marriage in a negative way.

If you are not completely satisfied, maybe research together what he can do to make sex better for you. Another honest point: Women do not orgasm from intercourse all the time…in fact, it’s often difficult. Maybe you should let your man know this…and hopefully you guys can have fun learning with each other, and trying new things to make it happen for you!!! Because once those start happening through intercourse,  you won’t regret it! ๐Ÿ˜€

Feel free to private message me if you wish. I love helping people through sex situations. I’m hoping to study this sort of sex therapy in school ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 13
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I can definitely understand how difficult the struggle can be, I’m right there with you, but I would urge you not to focus on your feelings, and try to understand why the Church teaches that sex should be saved for marriage, especially in regards to being open to life, and pray for the grace to start over, no matter how many times you fall. You might be seeking justification so you feel better about your situation, but the Church/Bible is pretty clear on morality and I know that for us, having peace in our relationship is so much more important than fleeting pleasure. We pray to make Christ the center of our relationship and I hope that we can enter into our marriage seeking virtue. God’s mercy is never far. 

 

Post # 15
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonnyymous1:  

I’m just sad that people hyped up sex to me so much, making me feel as if it was the forriben sin.

Welcome to reality, my dear.  See they are all wrong.

I know they’re going to find out before our wedding and I’m afraid.

Ugh?  So confused so you and Fiance are dead set on telling everyone?  Why?  Contrary to popular belief, you don’t look or smell like a rotten fruit if you’ve had sex before marriage, so psst if you don’t tell them they won’t know.

But what concerns me the most is that you say that you’re afraid of your friends’ dissapointment.  I feel bad for you that you would have such judegmental friends. Friends are not there to be dissapointed in you and if they are they are not friends.  You should prob try to make some other friends, preferably outside the church bubble.

Post # 16
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I can’t speak to the religious part of your concerns, and I’m not totally positive I understood what you mean by feeling disappointed by sex. Is it that it wasn’t as great as everyone said it would be? If I read it correctly I can definitely answer that for you. IT GETS BETTER WITH PRACTICE AND AGE!!!!! Especially since both of you were virgins, you have to find a way to coordinate with one another, it’s a HUGE learning experience-it doesn’t just come naturally at the beginning!!!

Perhaps you should try to wait until the wedding is over to continue down this path. Sex is very difficult to enjoy when stress is involved for whatever reason. Stress, anxiety, fear, etc. kill the sex drive. Also I wouldn’t EVER share details of my sex life with someone who I thought might try to make me feel bad or uncomfortable, so if that’s a concern for you, I wouldnt confide in any of those kinds of people. 

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