(Closed) Planning a wedding and feeling so sad.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Hi everyone, I’m sorry my first post is such a downer! This might be long.

I am 23 and engaged to my “FI” whom I have been with for about 6 years. We have been in an LDR since the very beginning. We met while I was on a school trip to France. As crazy as it sounds, we kept up a relationship as penpals once I returned to the US and eventually it developed into more. We began flying back and forth to see each other about 3-4 times per year and 6 years later we’re engaged! 

I feel sad for many reasons. The first of which is, I feel that we can’t truly enjoy this engagement period. He’s still in France of course so I’m planning nearly everything by myself (the wedding will be in the US). He can’t come to any wedding appointments, listen to DJs, taste food, see venues. I send pictures and video but it’s just not the same. We can’t have an engagement party or do anything normal couples do (which is nothing new, our entire relationship has been sacrifices but it feels especially sad now). I just wish I had my Fiance here to do all this with 🙁 

The second reason is FI’s family – all in France. When we first got engaged, they were all so excited about coming to the US for the wedding and having a big vacation. We heard a lot of “We’ll definitely be there!!” In the 6 months since, FI’s sister and four cousins have gotten engaged and are now all busy planning their own weddings. They’ve basically told us to no longer count on them coming to the US.

I understand this of course, it’s very expensive and a long trip. But Fiance is taking it so hard. He’s so upset. I get why – it’s one of the biggest days in his life and nobody from his family will be there. Worse, they’re making it sound like they won’t even try now, even though it’s not until 2014. Fiance is a very very sensitive, emotional guy, and he was bullied a lot growing up which has led to some sort of complex. Lately because of this, he’s been all “The world hates me” “My own family doesn’t care enough about me to come” and “Why don’t I matter to anyone? Why don’t I matter to them?” etc. I’ve tried using logic but it’s no use – he’s so sad and down and now he’s not enjoying the planning either.

Third, I’m afraid we’ll have to give up our venue now. We’ve put down about $5,000 already. Our minimum requirement for our night is 160 people, and we were initially comfortable with that number because we assumed many of FI’s family would be there. Now they’re dropping out like flies and it looks like we’ll  be way under. I don’t want to pay for dinners of those who won’t be there, and I also don’t want to invite people I don’t care about just to fill space. I have no idea what to do. Should we cancel the venue and start over from scratch, and risk losing our $5,000? I don’t even have time in my schedule to see new venues because I work *3* jobs, 7 days per week and have literally no spare time.

Finally, I’m planning on moving to France after the wedding and I’m scared to death. I’m so close to my friends and family and I just don’t know that I can do it. FI’s career is well off the ground and mine isn’t, so it makes more sense for me to move, but I’m terrified. And sad. I can’t bear the thought of being so far away. I love him so much and he treats me wonderfully but I’m afraid I’m making a mistake going over there. I think I’ll be lonely.

Because of all this, I can’t enjoy being engaged. I feel like a cloud’s hanging over everything and I’m just so sad and stressed all the time 🙁

 

Thank you for listening.

Post # 3
Member
4948 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

REgarding the wedding – can you have your wedding here, then have a second party/reception in France once you move so that his family can attend?

Post # 4
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

That is a lot to deal with.  LDRs are hard enough without adding in the additional stress of planning a wedding and a major move to another country whil working three jobs!

As for wedding planning, I would slow it down until you have a chance to answer the questions you are bringing up about your marriage.  Would things be less stressful if you had a simple civil service and moved overseas sooner rather than waiting for the 2014 wedding?  Do you really want to move overseas?  Would he consider moving here?  If he lived where you live would any of this be an issue?  It’s normal to be scared about a big move like that.  What activities or organizations could you join once there that would help you meet people and transition?

*Talk to your venue about the deposit and see what options you have.  I am sure you aren’t the first bride to book a date and then figure out that you cannot meet the minimum.

Post # 5
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is the extra you’d have to pay for the under count more than the $5000 deposit you’d lose?  If not then keep the venue, unless you really want to change for other reasons.

Sorry to hear about your troubles!  I’m worried myself that many of my relatives won’t want to come to my wedding, and they’re all in the US!  I feel for you on that.  

Moving sounds like it could be hard.  But if you try to embrace it, take language lessons, meet new people and socialize, you might find you really enjoy your time overseas.  What a great adventure!!

Post # 6
Member
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I just want to say God bless ya for having a LDR, planning a wedding without Fiance, dealing with the stress of his family, and working 3 jobs.

Can you maybe downsize your wedding? Then maybe you can save some money and have an alternate wedding or reception in France for his family since they can’t/won’t come for the wedding in the US?

Post # 7
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh honey, that is one hell of a plate you got yourself, but don’t let things get you down….distance is merely an inconvenience, you and your Fiance are as close as you want to be…if he’s interested and your inclined, why not take the time to write in a book about some of the planning things and appointments you go to?  Put in little pictures, a matchbook from a hotel, a cocktail napkin from a bar, send it to him every once in a while, let him comment, write and send it back?  It’s a tangible memoir you both can interact with.

Families are families, and they’re all excited about traveling anywhere, until something closer or cheaper comes along…if your Fiance is feeling down about this, let him, that blows, a lot…it would bother me too…but sooner or later, he’s going to snap out of his funk and find some things to be excited about too!  Just listen to him, support him, and love him through it.

I would talk to your venue very frankly about your international guest situation…and how what you thought was a solid guest count has diminshed due to travel and time contraints…any business man worth his salt knows that there’s a lot more to be made than a the deposit, and it would behoove them to find a compromise…be it adding some extra services and items to make up the difference, which can only add an air of luxury and elegance to your reception.

Finally, moving to France in an adventure, in more ways than one for you!  You’ll be a Mrs., you’ll be living with the man that you love for the first time ever and you get to discover all of that together in a beautiful new place!  Sure, you are leaving a lot behind you, but love is a leap, and no one ever found anything new, that didn’t leave something old and comfortable behind…being scared is fine, just don’t let it stop you…be bold!  Be brave!  Reinvent yourself and find out what works for you in your new home, because it may be rocky, scary and a little sad, but I promise you, IT WILL WORK!

Best of luck! 

Post # 8
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Thank you all so much for the replies, it means a lot to be able to vent without being judged!

 

@GFerg:  I suggested something similar to that, maybe a smaller party in US and then one in France, but he didn’t want to change anything. He keeps saying he’s happy with the venue, he wants the big American wedding, even if he’s the only one there from France. Like I said, he’s very sensitive and he had a rough time in school growing up – he continually reminisces about a time when he had a birthday party and nobody came (which breaks my heart!). As you can see he doesn’t let anything go easily, so he keeps saying “I deserve this big wedding! I deserve a day about me!” but I know it’s going to tear him apart when he sees that nobody is there. I think he’s still holding out hope :/

 

@beachbride1216:  These are all questions I ask myself repeatedly. Do I want to move overseas? No, probably not. I’m all for adventure and I’m trying to make it that way in my head, but inside I’m scared I’ll be lonely. I’m used to seeing my friends & family multiple times per week, I can’t imagine my daily life without them. I can’t imagine having to rely on Fiance to help me get around, speak the language, etc. He has said he’d try moving to the US, but not until I’ve tried living in France for a few years (because of his job).

 

 

@Jennlee:  Hm I actually didn’t calculate that yet. The price we’d have to pay for the no-shows would be probably around $4,000. So I suppose it would be cheaper. I feel kind of annoyed about this actually. We were picking between two venues – I liked this one, but I was in love with another one. We chose this one because of its proximity to an airport, making it easier for his friends & family to get to. And now if they don’t come I’ll be furious, lol.

 

@megz06:  Ha thank you. I can’t complain about the jobs, I definitely need the money. The glamorous life of a postgrad eh?!

 

 

@Nona99:  I love your idea about sending things back and forth – I hadn’t thought of that. Fiance is definitely interested and trying to be involved, bless him. I know it gets him down that he can’t realy help out so I’m always looking for ways to include him. Maybe Skype during the meetings? Do people do that? :/

I do hope he is able to move past the family thing, as horrible as it is. He just really never lets things go. I KNOW for a fact that if his family doesn’t come, it’s something he will never forget and never get over. I just know how his mind works. Even if it’s just because of money or they can’t get vacation time, he’ll take it to mean that they don’t love him and that nobody cares about him. I kind of wish he’d try counseling to get over these childhood scars from being bullied and being sort of friendless but he’s not interested. 

 

I will try talking to our reception manager and see what he says 🙂 Thank you all.

Post # 9
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Holy Crow!! I can definately understand your frustrations. I did long distance (although only a couple hours away not a different country) for several years with my fiance and it’s really hard.

And I can understand your fears about living in a new country. It can be really daunting but it could be a really amazing experience. I’ve done it twice, one study abroad to Japan and one to Costa Rica, and it is hard but it can be really great. Force yourself to get out into the community. It’s the best way to learn the language and while it may feel awkward at first, it’s the best way to start to feel at home. Otherwise it’s easy to stay home, watch TV, skype with friends and family you miss and get lonely. Don’t get sucked in. Go out and do something every day.

I also agree with PPs about doing a small reception/party in France since so many of his family members may not be able to make it to the US.

And for the venue, can you upgrade your food/drinks instead of adding people?

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