(Closed) Planning a wedding without mom

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

My mom passed away almost 12 years ago, and planning has been rough. I have been doing the majority of everything myself. When I am planning, I have kept her in mind with my choices, but for the most part, I just try not to think about it. If I do, I just can’t move forward for the most part, so I have to limit my emotions. She is remembered in some of the details though. For example, one of her favorite movies was Gone With the Wind, so the recessional song is Tara’s Theme. It is a beautiful song and perfect for us. And I can remember her without bringing everyone else down.

Post # 4
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

My heart is breaking for you.  I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother, and I’m sorry you feel so alone.

I am planning mine without my mother, (she has mental illness and so is around but not able to participate in the planning).  And we are in New Mexico, my family is in Oklahoma, and FI’s family is in Texas, so it’s been hard. 

I’ve learned that some people want to hear about the wedding and help, some people say they want to help but really don’t want to help, and some people don’t want to even hear about it.  I finally figured out that giving small, CLEAR tasks to people is the best way to get help.  For instance, Future Mother-In-Law didn’t seem very interested in the wedding, but when I asked her to please pick out flower girl outfits she got really exctied.  I have a sister who took me dress shopping and is now helping a ton with invites after I asked her for these things.  Fiance has an aunt who is excitedly making jewlery for us after I asked her to.  I was surprised how many people got excited once I invited them in.  Think about the people in your life, and don’t hesitate to engage them (but again, give them small, specific tasks to help with), and hopefully you too will be surprised at how big your support sytstme really is.

Again, I’m just so sad for you.  Please take care, and take a break from planning if you need to!

Post # 5
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

double post…sorry

Post # 6
Member
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My sympathies for your loss…I can see how the wedding would bring up mixed emotions for you. I am not in the same situation with you, but my mom lives on the other side of the world, 7000 miles away. I moved to the States by myself when I was 21 and since then went through lot of life changes and decisions by myself (finding a job, first marriage, divorce, second marriage..). At 35 I can tell you it’s still hard sometimes. I talk to my family once a week on the phone and it’s great to know that I have their support from afar. We also try to see each other once a year. For you it’s great that you have a supportive dad and a close relationship with him. I’m sure he’s very excited and proud to see his little girl married. I would share this experience with him as much as possible and just know how lucky you are for having that relationship. Unfortunately I read about too many Bee’s whose parents are alive but for one reason or another just not supportive.

The wedding dress shopping was really tough for me too. I went through four (!) dresses not being able to decide, when I really needed was my mom’s approval. Is there another trusted girlfriend or relative who can help you out?

As far as planning, I’d say that just the fact that you came onto this site is a positive sign that you have some enthusiasm in you 🙂 When I first got engaged I thought it would be such a drag planning everything by myself. But once I got into it, I started seeing it almost a personal project, it became really fun. Now I’m addicted to this site and I’m still here even after our wedding. It is a great forum for ideas and emotional support, even if it’s from strangers. Welcome to the Hive and best of luck with your wedding!

Post # 7
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@Snowy414:

I’m sorry.  Do you have an aunt or a cousin or Best Friend to go with you, or help you plan at all?  Those of us at the hive are happy to hear about your plans, and assist if you need it.  So virtual ((((Hugs))))

Post # 8
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom!  Unfortunately, I can’t offer any advice on planning without mom, but I am definitely a bride missing the bride-gene.  It’s been a fairly sterile process for me.  My Fiance has been the one infusing the personal touches for the most part, haha.  I HATED have to register, which was probably the most painful part of the entire process.  I like jewelry and fashion, which made the dress part of it enjoyable, but I really couldn’t care if table linens bring out the color of the flowers on the table, or if place cards are single or double-backed.  If it were up to me, we would have eloped and then had a big BBQ back home with all our friends and family.  It’s supposed to be about the celebration of a union, not the minutia.  But alas, I’m an only child and the parentals wanted the big white wedding.  Fortunately my Maid/Matron of Honor is wedding planner extraordinaire, so she’s been helping a TON. 

Post # 9
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m having the same issue. My mother passed away during my senior year of high school and my dad is pretty much a deadbeat. It’s really hard, especially because fiance has both sets of parents who are really great, but just don’t understand what it feels like to have this giant void all of the time.

Post # 10
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Aw, I hope this isn’t weird, but you’re getting a big I LOVE YOU from me.

Your mom is with you now and always. Just look inside and listen to the whispers.

The whole bee is here for guidance and your day is going to be a glorious reminder of what a wonderful person your mother brought into this world <3

Post # 11
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am so sorry that you are planning without your mom and without Fiance there to help. I don’t have too much advice, except you aren’t alone. My mom didn’t want to help. She’s an alcoholic, and so she just didn’t care about the plans and would change the subject when I brought anything wedding related up – with the exception of us chosing not to serve liquor and wine, just beer and sangria. And I’m pretty sure I missed out on the wedding gene, and got an extra baby gene. I would get sick of wedding stuff after 20-30 mins and start looking up baby stuff. I wanted to get married, but could have cared less about the wedding part, especially the reception.

Post # 13
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I understand how you’re feeling, and I miss my mom so much, too.  She passed away 13 years ago, when I was 6 mos. pregnant with my first child.  I was so lost without her guidance and love, and it still affects me deeply sometimes.  I have a great step-mom, but it’s not the same.  *Hugs*

Post # 14
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m really sorry about your loss. I got engaged 4/11/10 and my mom died 4/25/10 of an aneurysm. It was devastating. I don’t have any siblings and lost my grandma a few years ago. I do have an aunt who is supportive, but it is still very hard knowing my mom isn’t here. We donated some of my mother’s organs when she died and received a medal and a small pin in her honor for her donation. I am wearing the pin on my wedding dress. We also plan to have a memorial at the wedding for her and my grandma. Maybe there is something of your mom’s you can use/wear on your wedding day to help remember her. I know you will have a beautiful wedding, and I’m sure she would want it to be one of the best days of your life!!

Post # 15
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was excited to get engaged, but felt the loss so deeply when I started planning. My mom died 10 years ago from a brain anuerysm and I always knew planning my wedding without her was going to be incredibly difficult and emotional. I especially agree with you on going shopping for wedding dresses. That was the one thing I was dreading and kept putting off and putting off. I had so many nice friends offer to go with me, but I almost just wanted to go by myself. I ended up going with my dad and a close friend and it was a nice experience. He showed the emotions that my mom wasn’t there to do.

My other concern for the actual wedding day is making it a joyous day and not dwelling on the fact that she is not there (while still trying to honor her). I have not figured out how to do that yet, but it’s something that I’m very aware of. I want to be able to focus on the fact that it’s my wedding day, and that it’s my wedding day without my mom. She wouldn’t want that.

Good luck with the planning. You are not alone in the way you are feeling.

Post # 16
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Snowy, I know how you feel.  I lost my mom almost three years ago, and I often find myself wishing she was here.  I wish that she could meet my fiance, be there for dress shopping, and walk me down the aisle.  But she’s not, and that’s the reality of it.  However, I involve her in my wedding in lots of ways.  She was a very crafty person (not sly…a DIY-er!), and I’ve already said that I’ll be channeling her for all of my DIY.  Like noritake22, I plan to honor my mom in details, and I’m going to make sure I play at least one Queen song at the wedding (one of her favorites).  My mom comes to mind often when I’m making decisions about the weddings, and I often think “my mom would LOVE this!”.  She’s not here physically, but she’s here in spirit every step of the way.

Know this, Snowy (and all Bees whose mother has passed)…your mom is always with you.  Who she was is a part of you, and you are your mother’s legacy.  My mother once told me that if all she was ever known for in this life was producing me then that would be enough (making me teary thinking about it again!), but I think that applies to all moms.  Their children are one of their greatest achievements, and she’s proud of you all the time.  You’re marrying the love of your life, and planning a big party to celebrate that.  Believe me when I say that your mom is excited for you, even if she can’t be here to tell you that.  So, if you can, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make your mom proud by planning the wonderful wedding I’m sure she’d want you to have.  <HUGS & best wishes!>

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