(Closed) Planning a wedding without mom

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine that this must be incredibly difficult for you.

Even though we’re all strangers, please always feel open and welcome to coming to the ‘bee for advice! We promise to be honest 🙂

To help getting people around you involved, pick 1 assignment, like flower inspiration and have someone specifically help you look at flowers. I find that people do better when they are “tasked” with something.

Post # 18
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Snowy414: I can definitely relate. I’ve never been a girly girl and don’t want a wedding but Fiance does. I would love to elope to an island or got to a courthouse. I never could picture my wedding and am at a complete loss. My mom and dad both passed away 5 and 3 years ago.The only thing I know is that I want the impossible, my parents there. So to help me cope I am trying to avoid as many wedding cliches possible. Some of my family is offended but they don’t understand that I relate all of those traditional things to my parents being there and that would hurt too much. Plus I don’t really need to hear how I’m too young to be without my mom or have people crying. So instead I’ll be chilling in Key West with those who really want to be there and give us love and support. My best friend has been really helpful and my mom’s sister has offered to officiate it. Even though its not the same I still fell a little less alone. I know you’ll be OK.

Post # 19
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Snowy414: I lost my mum 13 years ago (this December will mark 13 years) and though I’m not planning my wedding yet, I think about it all the time and really wish more than anything that my mum could be here to meet my SO and to help me with the wedding planning when the time comes.

I also lost my maternal grandmother in 2006, and she would have been amazing at helping with the wedding also.  She handmade all four of her daughters’ wedding gowns and held three of their receptions in her and my grandpa’s garden.  Luckily, my sister has my mum’s wedding gown and veil (she didn’t wear them herself as she isn’t married but is holding on to them anyway), so I will probably be wearing my mum’s veil on my wedding day.  That will be really special since I will be honouring both my mum and my nana by wearing it.

You are so lucky to have a supportive dad who wants to be involved in the wedding planning.  My dad is really happy that I have found the man I am going to marry, but doesn’t really see the point in having much of a wedding.  My sister is excited for me also, but could care less about weddings (she has been with her partner nine years and they have two children but have no intention of getting married).  As far as my friends go, I am sure they’ll be happy to be involved in planning but it’s just not the same as having close family be involved.

Find sentimental ways in which you can remember and honour your mother in the wedding, and make sure to share these with your Fiance.  Also, maybe your dad would like to come along with you when you go dress shopping.

I am sure if you plan your wedding with your mom in mind then everything will turn out just how it should be.  Good luck and I hope you start to feel better about the whole process *hugs*

Post # 20
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Snowy, I also know how you feel. My mom died three years ago. We were best friends, and I never imagined not doing this with her. But 3 months now since I got married and I got through it pretty good. My main advice is hoepfully to find someone you can rely on. I relied on my close girlfriends for help and guidance. It wasn’t my mom dress shopping with me. It was them. Hard at times, but what other choice do we have?

I included my mom in my wedding by wrapping her ashes around my bouquet (I have a necklace charm with them in it). Maybe you could do the same type of thing?

It’s hard and I cried at times, and missed her during the process and you will too. I’m sure you know how happy she would be to help you plan and she probably is missing it too.

hugs to you.

Post # 21
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Snowy,

I too know how you feel and it just plain sucks. Lots of hugs go out to you. I got engaged in December and my mom passed away very unexpectedly in March. One of the things I struggled most with when she first passed was that I never even got to tell her my wedding date. I have also talked my dads ears off (and they were divorced so he isnt grieving quite to the degree I am) but he has been very supportive and knows how much it hurts not having her here.

I wish I had more advice for you. For me its still such a fresh wound, that I still am trying to find out the best way to deal with it. I do feel like she is with me all the time though, and I hope that you feel the same about your mom. And when I really miss her, I find a quiet place and tell her stuff about the wedding (her grave is out of state near my hometown so I cant go there as often as I would like.) And I am incorporating her into the wedding. She will have a memorial table, with her bridal portrait and some flowers and candles. And when its just my husband and I, we are going to sprinkle some of her ashes at the ceremony site before we go into the reception.

I’m so sorry youre feeling down. But we can all get through it together, you are not alone. Just try and stay positive, know that your mom would want the best for you, and is smiling down on you as you plan.

Lots of hugs!

Post # 22
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sorry for your loss. I am in the same boat. I lost my mom nearly 6 years ago, when I was 17, so I missed out on a lot of the love, romance, “your future” type discussions and I am flipping out trying to plan a wedding by myself. I hope that everything works out for you!

 

Wishing you the BEST of luck!

Post # 23
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Bring your dad dress shopping, find all your best supportive friends, and cling to them when you need emotional and moral support. My heart goes out to you and I hope things get better for you. Hugs.

Post # 24
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

A Practical Wedding just had a really good entry and discussion about this very topic. My mom died about 5 and a half years ago. There are quite a few of us out here in your situation. And it’s really quite awful – I haven’t missed my mom this much since right after she died.

Post # 25
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I lost my mom 2 yrs ago, I totally know what you are going through. I am incorporating this into my wedding for her.

http://www.annsbridalbargains.com/Plan-Your-Wedding-Ceremony/Wedding-Memorial-Candles-Vases–Frames/2656-AWMPS-Silver-Memory-Bouquet-Frames.pro

I do not have the wedding gene, I grew up not ever wanting to get married lol. Things change and I started attending bridal shows to get ideas, and find vendors, i watch a lot of bridal shows on tv and of course read read read everything I can on here. The other bees here are so wonderful and helpful.

Keep your chin up, She is watching over you. God Bless.

 

Post # 26
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Snowy414: I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁 I get where you’re coming from, but from the other angle. My dad passed away when I was a baby and I’ve always done fairly well with it and just sorta worked through accepting things, but when I started wedding planning it really hit me that I wouldn’t be having a father-daughter dance or have my dad walk me down the aisle.

(I know that this is completely different and I literally cannot compare because I do have my mom here,)…. but she may as well not be there for wedding planning because she literally refuses to offer her opinions or get involved since she doesn’t want to influence us in any way (she wants us to get everything we want).

I think the whole wedding process comes with a need for some very specific validations from a close female figure, and I know how frustrating it can be to not have that support. Much of my support has come from my Fiance, but he is out of state also, so it can be very hard to try and figure everything out on my own… there’s a lot of added stress in feeling like you’re doing everything by yourself. For me, my FMIL has offered to step into the “mom-planner-extraordinaire” role, but I don’t necessarily appreciate all of her opinions so it hasn’t worked as well.

Is your FMIL out of state also? Could she potentially help to fill that role? I think if you’re able to surround yourself with a close (perhaps female?) support group who are genuinely interested in being there for you and helping, it will really help to take away some of the stress and sadness.

Post # 27
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m planning a wedding without a mother (though the situation is somewhat different) and I can sympathise. I hate those moments where I know other people have their mother to help and advise.

I just try to turn to others for advice and spend time on some wedding forums for those questions that people would normally ask a mother. Doesn’t help much for dress shopping etc though but I’m sure you have some other females (friends or relatives) you are close to who would be happy to come and support you.

Post # 28
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I know exactly what you mean, It’s so hard – I was really looking forward to getting married and my wedding day, now after mum died not so much…mum died suddenly in december 2010, my fiance of 4 years proposed to me in March 2011…  I’m so greatful that they met before her passing… i had been looking forward to being his wife pretty much since the day i met him! but now i’m dreading the whole event.  His mum passed away when he was 17 and he has been my lifesaver throughout the whole ordeal, he knows exactly what i’m going through and has been so very supportive.

We long to be able to elope and head over to some beautiful tropical island to get married to avoid the whole thing, but i think my family will be disapointed with this.  I know its suposed to be a happy day, but i’m honestly dreading it, i know there will be tears, sad speaches, the whole water works… not just my side, but my partners side as well… i’ve attended his brother and sisters wedding and there were tears, so I can only imagine the doubling the amount of tears we’ll have at ours… not exactly the happiest day of my life…

I have a very supportive dad, girlfriends, aunts, cousins and fiance… we’re a close family, but I’m still dreading my wedding day, i know i’m going to be a wreck, my partner is going to be upset, my poor dad is going to be beside himself (they were truly soul mates), it makes me wonder if we should just go to the registry sign the forms and forget the whole event…. i just don’t want to put everyone through that pain again… but at the same time, the wedding is something that we are looking forward to…

I actually turned to weddingbee to help answer my questions about my engagement ring – i have great group of girlfriends i can talk to – but I don’t want to bother them with the nitty gritty details that i would have otherwise asked mum about… 

Its just so hard… i know how you feel!!! i’m dreading wedding dress shopping!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

, i’m planning a wedding without my mum, she passed away recently december 2010. 

Post # 29
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

i am so sorry to hear of your loss, all of you,  its just so sad.

i lost my mum 4 years ago, and now i am planning my wedding i miss her even more than i thought possible. everything i do i think   ‘i wonder if mum would have liked that’

i have incorporated many things into my wedding to commemorate her,  like adding her brooches to my bouquet and having her birth flowers on my tables…..things like her favorite colours have had a place in my wedding too. she loved purple,  and so do i, and will be wearing something purple , my crinoline.  

i figured, that if i did these things, and keeping things around me that remind me of her,   makes me feel so much more at ease. 

she will be there in spirit……..but we all know its not quite enough is it? 

Post # 30
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Congrats on your engagement!  I am so sorry that you will be doing this without your mom.  I lost my mother on November 24/2010 to Ovarian Cancer ( and 2 weeks before that I lost my grandmother (her mother) to Liver Cancer).  The 2 most important women in my life gone so fast and now I am newly engaged trying to plan a wedding without them and it is hell.  Nothing feels as special as it should, no one cares as much as a mother will ever, and that I think is the most unsettling.  My godmother (my mother’s best friend) has been amazing , trying so hard to help me and be there for me, but it still feels not quite right.  

All I can say is let it out when you can , I find myself crying alot , but I think that you need to , and not bottle it up and let it ruin your day.  She is watching over you and that is one thing that you can try and find comfort in 🙂  Focus on making memories with the people that love you. 

Good Luck and Congrats again!

Brea from Canada

Post # 31
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s hard.  The planning is something of a chore for me too but I know that I’ll be glad about doing it after the special day.

My mother passed away ten years ago; never met my Fiance. One of the reasons I bought a vintage wedding dress on eBay is that I couldn’t stomach the thought of going to a bridal shop without her. Interestingly, I really enjoyed having the bridal shop experience looking for a junior bridesmaid dress with my neice but I figured out very quickly that I should not go to the MOTB section of the store.  Weird things come up but I figure it’s normal and focus on a) that she’d want the day to be very me and special;  b) I’m happy my father and others will be there and c) all forms of grief are healthy if you acknowledge them and know it’s okay to have those feelings, even if they seem from left field.

Oh, one more thing–don’t watch Say Yes to the Dress or any other bridal reality show with MOTBs.

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