(Closed) Planning an October Wedding Without Being Engaged – And He’s Not Helping

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would hold off on any planning until he proposes. He wants to be married in Oct but hasn’t officially proposed AND doesn’t want to make any decisions now then I am guessing he really doesn’t want to married in Oct. YEs, definitely hold off with planning until he does propose. It will save you frustration.

Post # 4
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would probably hold off until the official proposal too.  That way, you can take your time and plan a fabulous wedding next year!

Post # 5
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I completely agree! totally hold off until he is willing to plan. the wedding isn’t only based on your decision, and besides i think you would prefer for him to actually be excited about getting married as opposed to acting annoyed at every little question.

Post # 6
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with the other bees. Hold off on planning until he proposes. Fiance and I had this talk before we got engaged and because when and where I wanted to get married I needed a year and a half to plan. Tell him how long you will need to plan your wedding and that you don’t feel comfortable before you are engaged. I just don’t think most guys understand how much goes into planning a wedding.

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he wants to get married in October, why hasn’t he proposed??? That seems so strange to me because October is definitely right around the corner. I would DEFINITELY not continue to plan until he follows through. You’ll find out just how much an October wedding means to him. My guy thought you could plan a wedding in 3-6 months. He looked at me like I had 2 heads when I told him I wanted a year. Maybe he’s clueless, too?

Post # 8
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i agree with the other bees as well… and am a bit confused as to why your bf wants to have an OCT wedding, but hasnt proposed yet… and won’t help in pre-planning, if it’s the date HE desires??… you need to talk to him and communicate… if you explain him the efforts, time, and little details that are involved in the planning process… i’m sure he’ll understand where you are coming from and help out!

Post # 9
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think if I were you, I would also hold off on planning- and maybe postpone the wedding date. Not just because of the lack of a proposal, and not to nudge the proposal along or anything, but because it sounds like maybe he’s not totally ready for this big step. Perhaps he thinks he’ll be ready by October, and he simply has no idea how far in advance these things need to be planned out? Either way, it sounds like you probably should have an honest discussion with him about this. Lay out just how far in advance these things have to be planned. Find out (if you haven’t already) why he hasn’t proposed yet, and why this October is so important to him as the wedding date (I completely understand if you have practical concerns- Fiance and I just moved our wedding date up to August, rather than summer 2011, for these reasons). Maybe once he realizes the amount of work and planning that go into the wedding, he’ll be more willing to commit to helping out.

Post # 10
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sounds like he may not be entirely clear on how long it takes to plan.  I would gently (and nonconfrontationally) explain to him that it’s an extensive process that can require quite the time investment.

Beyond bringing him in the loop with regards to timelines, though, I would back off.  He hasn’t yet proposed and doesn’t sound hugely invested in the idea of a wedding just yet.  Cart before the horse and all that.

Post # 11
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

sorry I dont have much more advice that one the other bees..

But im reading this going WTH too!

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

1) Research, document, make calls, etc but don’t spend a dime or sign a contract.

2) Show him everything that you’ve done and tell him that while the wedding is “planned” nothing will be set in stone until you’re officially engaged.

Maybe that might be a good wakeup call?

Post # 14
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Probably for the best, as a fellow Chicagoan!!  We are going to have a year 1/2 engagement because venues are always booked up!!  I can’t even imagine tyring to plan something in shorter time. 🙁

Post # 15
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with everything that everyone has already said. Most deposits are non-refundable and that can amount to a lot of money if it doesn’t end up happening. Definitely do the research though. That is what I did and now I am engaged it is so much easier because I knew exactly what was happening and when, and it was just a matter of officially booking it and making deposits.

Post # 16
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I read one bee’s comment on here a while back where she had to sit her Fiance down and explain to him that “We need to book our venue a year in advance, because everyone else who is getting married when we want to get married is going to book a year in advance, and if we wait, we won’t be able to book a good place, because they’ll all be taken.” (or something to that effect.)

I think hearing that it’s more than just “oh, you’re supposed to do this now” or “I want to get this done”, but that there’s a genuine reason behind it can help with guys. Yours apparently needs to come to understand that the average engagement is 18 months long, and that most weddings take about a year to plan, and that having more time means you can usually find ways to save more (as in, save on what you’re spending, not save up). 

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