Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Hello! New”bee” here, and I’m hoping to get some feedback to help me from tearing out my hair!
I have never been a person who views the wedding as the “bride’s special day” and as a very low-key person, bridezillas seem totally incomprehensible to me! I was a firm believer in “this is OUR day.” HOWEVER, even though we’ve been engaged 11 months (wedding is 6/2015), he has done next to nothing in terms of wedding planning. The only work he has done was calling one officient (who couldn’t do our date). So far, I have done all the work and all the financial contributions.
I’ve tried:
-giving him only “enjoyable tasks” like making the playlist (not done after months)
-expressing that I want it to be a joint effort, even though I am willing to do more (nothing done, no imput and treats “wedding talks” -which I keep to 1/2 1x-2x a month- like I’m asking him to clean up nuclear waste)
-crying in frustration and threatening to insist on city hall/eloping. (Not mature, I know!)
After an argument over his lack of help, he said he would book the hotel block and email another possible officiant. Two weeks later, and both tasks (that need to be done ASAP according to most timelines) still nothing is done.
Obviously he wants nothing to do with planning this wedding, and it is very unpleasand trying to express to him that it would be helpful to me. I’m very busy not only with planning, but with work and school. It would be easier to just do the rest without his imput. So this is my question – since I have TRIED to make this OUR day to no avail, would it be unreasonable to relegate his tasks to : buying a suit, suggesting song for first dance and providing 1/3 of the money? I’m not trying to shut him out, but this show is on the road, deposits have been made, DIYs have been DIYed, and I just want this DONE.
Post # 2
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
Yes you should definitely just drop all expectations u have of him helping and just do it yourself. I’m not saying it’s fair but it will probably make you happier.
Our deal was that I would do everything (because I honestly liked doing wedding stuff) but he had to listen to me, give input When required and not complain if I was venting about boring detail stuff. Worked for us! Oh and he had to pretend to care even when he didn’t 😛
Post # 3
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
daffycat: Yep, it stinks a little. I happen to enjoy all the crazy details of this, so it doesn’t really bother me, but I learned pretty quickly that FI is not going to care about decor or hotel blocks, though I do know what is important to him (food, music). If you didn’t do this already, ask him what he cares about most and then give him some (non time-sensitive) responsibilities in that category. And if he’s not interested in anything, let it go. One way I keep my FI involved in stuff he doesn’t really like (decor) is showing him two options I like and telling him I need help deciding between X and Y. He’ll choose one and it’s usually the one I like.
My advice, don’t force it. It’ll still be both your days, even if it reflects all your wonderful taste 🙂
Good luck!
Post # 4
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
I know it’s a lot of work for you to do on your own, but many guys don’t have an interest in “wedding things” or even a clue of what to actually do. Instead of assigning him tasks to do on his own, why don’t you try doing some of these things together? Things like taste testing the menu, the cake and picking out invitations, you guys could do at the same time. Maybe he will have an opinion one way or the other.
Your wedding is still months away, and for him, that might be contributing to his lack of urgency, especially with something like coming up with a playlist. Guys don’t endlessly read timelines like we girls do, probably. I considered my FI to be VERY involved with our wedding, but most of the work he did was within the last month of the wedding (even him finalizing the rehearsal dinner menu, which technically could have been done months earlier). I got him to do a few things before that, but it definitely involved some nagging. Everything else we accomplished was when we did things TOGETHER–I took him to the store to try on suits, we went with my parents to the taste testing. Even when we met with our photographer, he was pretty detached (listening but not contributing very much). I think this is just a typical guy’s response. I’m thinking he will come through for you as you get closer to the date, but it sounds like you’re a planner and won’t want to wait that long.
Post # 5
Member
6908 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Not everyone is a planner. You can’t force him to be something that he’s not. And men in our culture are simply not raised to enjoy the millions of little details involved in wedding planning. Sit down with him and clear up any confusion over financial contributions. If you’re expecting him to contribute money how much? When? If he’s not kicking in money, what can you afford as the sole financer? And can you accept paying for it all without resenting him? What is your final budget, no matter who is writing the check? Then explain that you’ll accept the planning responsibility but he needs to either speak up now about anything he’s got strong feelings on, or he needs to accept the decisions you make.
Post # 6
Member
1611 posts
Bumble bee
daffycat: Guys don’t have a sense of timeline. Did you give him a specific task and tell him when it has to be done by? (Feel free to move the timeline up by 2 weeks in case something gets messed up) Are you paying for it altogether? you should have the money talk early on.
Post # 7
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
Does he want to get married? His response to your need for help seems extreme. What is most important to you about the “big day”? Are there things you would have done with his help that you could cut out now to ease the burden on yourself? It seems a little weird to have a whole wedding without his input.
Post # 8
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
I think you need to stop expecting him to do anything on his own. I would just ask if he wants to help such as, “Hey, I’m going to meet caterers, do you want to give input or do you want me to do it myself?” Then he gets to pipe in on things he wants and not on those he doesn’t. Guys aren’t naturally planners, my FI has helped a lot, but not with any of the actual leg work.
Post # 9
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
My DH didn’t really pony up to the planning until about two weeks out, when I needed him to coordinate transportation for everyone. He got right on in because the need seemed real at the time. At that point, it made sense to HIM to be worrying about the wedding.
The rest of it, I’d tell him what I was about to do (call florist, whatever) ask him if he had any opinions (he did, no carnations) and carry on with it. He was much happier that way. If he had no opinion, I didn’t involve him again. If he wanted to come along (food tasting) he did.
I did all of the leg work and presented him with options which he appreciated. Oftentimes, he didn’t have an opinion and I didn’t take that to mean he didn’t care about the wedding, he just literally didn’t care what color linens we used. And that’s ok.
After the wedding was over, he thanked me for working so hard at it and he said he had no idea how many moving pieces went into it and why it was necessary to do things in advance.
Post # 10
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
You may be in the “Our Day” camp, but sounds like he’s in the “Your Day” camp. Sorry. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care – it just means he disagrees with your deadlines. Most people don’t realize just how exponentially better things are when you get them done in advance. Most people procrastinate. Just stick to your timeline and get things done. He’ll thank you later. (Hopefully)
Post # 11
Member
23 posts
Newbee
First off, I would like to thank you for posting this question. I feel better knowing there are other people out there struggling with this.
I agree with the other responses here. I think some people are just not planners, and that can be frustrating for those of us who are. Especially when it is regarding something as exciting as your wedding!
I have tried to get my fiance involved in the planning, but I feel that I have done most of it myself. But I have always given him the opportunity to weigh in before I made any final decisions.
The one thing you wrote though that I wanted to especially weigh in on was regarding the financial contributions. It would stress me out if I felt my fiance was not helping with this burden. I would suggest keeping either a shared spreadsheet or using an app like Splitwise to track the expenses. If he gets reminders of how much he owes you, maybe that will help to keep him on track so that this is more split. That may help to relieve some of your stress.
I hope this helps!
Post # 12
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
If you want something done, you have to do it yourself!
Most guys dont really care about the wedding details (other than the food) and aren’t really planners, unfortunately. My husband certainly isnt. He said he likes what I like. After a while, I just knew to plan most of the things myself and he’d write the checks.
Post # 13
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee
If I were in your shoes, I’d be asking him if he actually wants to get married or not. I’m tired of people stereotyping guys and saying that they “just aren’t into this stuff” and can’t be expected to help. That’s bull.
The fact that he knows these tasks are important and still has done nothing, would not sit well with me. You need to talk to him and find out what the problem is. Even if he’s not a planner, you aren’t asking him to plan the whole thing. All you’re asking for are simple tasks to support you.
Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Ladies, thank you so much for all your imput – I am definitely taking these suggestions to heart! Oh, I wish I could enjoy this, but I would really have preferred eloping in Vegas – he’s the one who wants the big wedding (????WHAT????) like all our friends have been having.
From now on, I think I’m just going to give him two “final choices” and I will like both. Unfortunately, doing things together doesn’t work for me any more. It’s just too much of a hassle to deal with him shooting down my ideas and not coming up with any of his own. At one point, I was so sad I reminded him that he *did* ask me to marry him, so why is he being so obstinate. I still kind of cry thinking about this (and yes, I would really like to do premarital counseling, but between work and school and lack of $, it’s just not possible, as we aren’t church members and would need to pay for secular counseling).
We have talked about money, and I don’t think it’ll be a problem for him to come up with his share. If he doesn’t, we will have to cancel and I’ll lose my deposits. Which honestly wouldn’t bother me as much as it would to tell my family why we are cancelling.
Thank you again for all your suggestions. None of my BMs are involved, neither mom, so having feedback here is great. 🙂
Post # 15
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
spiffanee: Thank you. It doesn’t sit well with me either, and we will have this discussion becuase it’s not right for me to be so sad and alone in this.
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