Planning frustrations

posted 4 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

That all sounds very frustrating! A big wedding was an absolute NO for me. I feel pretty strongly that weddings are not supposed to be family reunions… the only people a couple should invite to their wedding, I think, are those people who they love, have close active relationships, and actually want to spend time with! I have a very small family and my fiancé has a big family, but because of covid, the size of our wedding was decided for us. We’re getting married this October with 25-30 guests, and I am SO thankful that we’re having a small wedding and so excited to spend a day surrounded by my loved ones (not a bunch of random people I hardly know). I don’t have any advice other than to say your frustrations are totally valid and I would be LIVID if my parents thought they could just invite and bunch of their friends to my wedding. Don’t be afraid to speak up and voice your frustrations. It’s great that you and your fiancé are compromising, but compromising still requires that you get some of what you want too!

Post # 3
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is what stood out for me:

 I do feel that it is a compromise that I am making with little appreciation!

 

Have you told your fiancee how you feel about the appreciation part? If he showed more appreciation would that help? Talk to him about it. Tell him to hype you to his parents about how great you are compromising, and to thank you, in a heart felt way, for it as well.

Post # 4
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Aw, I know how you feel! My husband is super social and definitely a more the merrier kind of guy. I am mostly similar but just not to as great of an extent. We definitely stressed over the guest list as we sent out maybe about 130 invitations but our budget was pretty tight. It felt like every time I tried to trim the guest list, my husband not only dug in his heels, but thought of more people to invite! The most stressful was a family he’s close to from Hawaii. He insisted that all 17 family members be invited and we had NO idea how many were actually going to come. I kept telling him that level of uncertainty was very stressful when trying to figure out how many tables and chairs we needed, how much alcohol we needed to buy, how much cake and how much food. He just kept telling me not to worry about it. Lol right. His side was definitely bigger than mine, but with his refusal to cut anyone, I felt more obligated to trim my side to try to keep the numbers reasonable. Like you, I felt frustrated that I was having to consider cutting my already small list even further by not inviting people I was close to, in order to accommodate people on his side that he was only vaguely close to, and who may not even come. Of the 17 people from hawaii, two came lol. I don’t think I really ended up cutting anyone I really wanted to come, and we probably had around 95 people actually attend. But the lead up to everything was SO stressful!! So I really understand.

I wanted to ask a couple of things- does the 150 person capacity include your vendors too? Make sure you build them in as sort of a “cushion” if you need to! Maybe you can say something like, “hey, we NEED to get the guest list down to 140-145 max, because even if some people decline, we also have to think about the vendors!” So he will have to cut at least 25-30 people. Then maybe you send out invites to 140 people and assume about a 90% acceptance rate- could you stretch to get the caterer you love more? I would see if you can run the numbers to see at what point you could do the mint caterer, and you yourself try to come up with a “bare bones” guest list that would meet that number (say, 100-110 people). Then make him negotiate to add however many more back in. In other words, instead of looking at everyone and saying “cut some out”, start with your absolute must-haves and then tell him “ok, you have 30 slots, who are you going to choose?” If he’s as bad as my husband, even that might not work, but maybe you’ll have better luck!

I would try to press hard for the caterer you love, or at least refuse to budge on another thing that is really important to you. It is his wedding as well, but yes, it’s yours too! If we had had less people, we could have maybe gone with a couple of things in a higher budget range, but we still liked where we ended up. I loved one pizza food truck, which was downright beautiful and had literally nothing but 5-star reviews (I mean, you have 100+ reviews, and NO ONE gave less than perfect?? Wow!!). But when we got a price quote from them, it was like $4,000. Our entire wedding budget was only $10,000, I really didn’t want to go over that amount, and we had wanted to get a taco guy in addition to the pizza. So we picked a different pizza truck. But that choice did allow me to get the taco guy, and yummy ice cream cakes, more decorations, and a couple of other things. So I felt like I wasn’t really losing out, if that makes sense.

I also just wanted to ask about the mint, as someone who personally does not like mint. I’m guessing it was not a strong mint flavor in every dish, and people might not even notice it if you didn’t tell them? I’m also guessing no one has a mint allergy? I don’t think mint allergies are common so it’s probably fine, but just a couple things to consider. It still sounds cooler and more unique than the other caterer!

Post # 5
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Oh and also not to bum you out while you are already stressed, but if your husband is anything like mine, this will happen at all future parties and events you host too. We just had a friend offer to throw us a gender reveal party. Our original guest list was something stupid, like 50 people. The hostess said she could accommodate around 35. Not only did my husband somehow not cut anyone, he was still thinking of MORE people- the day before the party! Granted, it was only like 2 more people and we were 99% sure they weren’t going to come, but still. We did have some people unable to make it, and ended up with 35 people on the nose, ourselves and the host’s family included. But we very easily could have had 10-15 more say yes. So it might not ever get easier! *Sigh*

Post # 6
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

It’s tough when you’re on opposite sides of quality vs. quanitity.

If you’ve committed to venues that cap out at 150, there’s no choice but to cut ~25 whether he “wants to” or not. In my opinion, it absolutely should come from his side based on the current breakdown and that your parents are hosting the wedding. 

The only other “compromise” that comes to mind is to have a traditional rehersal dinner (no welcome party) and apply the money his parents would have spent on the welcome party to the wedding menu upgrades you would love to have. 

 Best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You shouldn’t be ‘bummed’ thinking about your wedding plans. Tell your Fi how you feel. The two of you need to decide how to immediately cut at least 15 people to accommodate your venue regardless–and it sounds as if most of them should come off his/his parent’s list. Wedding planning is navigating how to compromise in a marriage. Don’t be a martyr. 

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Do you get the sense there will be drop off in attendance post COVID? I know so many people who would have been down to travel for something like this that would absolutely not anymore. 

Post # 11
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
@beethree:  I had a big wedding for my first wedding (165 guests) and it was super fun!  You can just spend time with the people you want to see, and not really bother with the ones you don’t know except for a gracious hello and thank you.  

I agree that it would probably be best to cut a few more people.  I would work with your fiance about how best to do this, recognizing that his side has a lot more people.

Is he Indian-American by any chance? That’s what your description made me think of, based on a few of my friends.  I know those folks TRAVEL for weddings!

Post # 12
Member
2306 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

You should absolutely tell your fiance how you are feeling. But also know, the guest list is one of the most stressful parts of planning. What we had to do (we had the same issue with a ton of his parents friends and all of their kids while my parents who paid for the whole thing barely invited any friends) was give them a number and make them stick to it. I didn’t care if they filled it with friends, family, or strangers but they could only invite 100 people (our wedding was 350 people). DH and I also had to go through and ask a few questions: Had they met both the bride and the groom? Have we talked/hung out with them in the last year (pre-Covid!)? And would we look back and be disappointed that we didn’t invite this person to our wedding? If the answer was no to any of the questions we cut them.

Go through your list and ask the same questions. Talk with DH about it. You two are getting married, you should be able to explain your feelings. If you can’t, book a session with a pre-martal counselor. It doesn’t hurt to get some good communication tips before you get married!

Post # 14
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

We agreed to a larger wedding than he wanted and a smaller wedding than I wanted: 100 people, a good fit for our venue.

He invited 50 people; I invited 50 people. Partners invited, but not plus-ones. No children except my six nephews/nieces.

Nobody else (like, say, parents) invited anyone since it wasn’t their party. It worked very well.

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