(Closed) Planning to get pregnant before marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

@Liss13:  I will be honest with you, his reasoning does not make any sense to me. He thinks you will be more committed if you are pregnant or have a kid before marriage? Uhhh…I am lost. I am not trying to sound harsh or anything, but why is he doubting your committment now?

I understand that he was married before and wants to do things differently, but having and raising a child is incredibly difficult and not something to take lightly. I personally would not want to plan a wedding while pregnant or while raising a child.

I do not have anything people who do conceive or have children before marriage, but I personally would not do it intentionally. I am assuming that concerns about conceiving due to age are not an issue? Also, you do not seem 100% on board with this idea.

Having children should be a mutual decision when both people on board. No one should manipulate either side. Whether it is trying to pressure someone to have a child before they will marry them or anything else, it’s not healthy for a relationship.

OP, it’s ultimately a decision the two of you need to make together, but please make sure it is something you are comfortable with, whatever the decision.

Post # 4
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would want the legal recognition of marriage before having babies.

Post # 5
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Liss13:  I have 2 kids from a previous relationship were both 29 years of age. Financially stable own our home and have another rental property…I have known my SO for 7 years but been together in a relationship for almost 3 years we will be engaged in June but we are planning to TTC in August this summer..we both know that everyone has there opinions on having kids before marriage but of course…we want to do want makes us happy not pleasing everyone else.

Post # 7
Member
6534 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Absolutely not. My personal feeling is that *I* wouldn’t want to have a kid without being married. That aside, his reasoning is totally bunk, IMO. It wouldn’t surprise me if you “met him halfway” and had a kid, and then he changed his mind and wouldn’t get married because can could “prove how well life was going without getting married.

My personal opinion is that you either want to get married or you don’t. You may not be ready at that moment to get married, but you know if you want to or not. Clearly he doesn’t want to, if he did, he wouldn’t be making a big deal of telling you about how he’s getting married only because YOU want to. 

I do know someone who decide, with her boyfriend before they were even engaged, to start having kids. They knew they wanted them, and started trying. They ended up getting married when their first was still a baby, at the courthouse – no big wedding. They’re still married with 4 kids now and doing just great. BUT, in that situation they both *wanted* to be married, it just wasn’t their first priority – having kids was.

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Liss13:   it was sort of along the lines of, if you plan to have a kid and have one, you invest more in the relationship being permanent.

I dont remember how he said it exactly, and he told me hes already agreeing with the marriage thing for ME, and asked me to meet him halfway.

These two lines concern me. He’s right that having a child is a bigger committment and more permanent than marriage…so in my opinion it makes ZERO sense, by his own logic, to be ready to have a child if you don’t really want to marry the person. Which brings me to my second point – I’d be very hurt that he’s making it so clear that he is only getting married because you want it – not because he’s so in love and wanting to spend the rest of his life wih you and is sure about marriage, despite his ex and debt and whatever else.
 
This doesn’t sound like much of a compromise to me. I’d keep talking about it.

Post # 10
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

@Liss13:  As someone who waited 9 years to get engaged (almost 10 years to get married) I understand the desire to “move” a relationship forward 🙂

I have lived with my Fiance for 4 years and we are practically married, just haven’t signed the papers yet. Legally, I am his beneficiary on everything and vis-a-versa. If I were to get pregnant now, then we would raise the child. But i wouldn’t intentionally do it for a number of reasons. Mainly, We are young (25 and 27) and want to enjoy our 20’s so we can travel, save up for a home, sleep in, be lazy and just care for our two dogs.

Given that you are still in school, it may be best to wait. It sounds like you are, which is good because think out stressed and tired you would be? Also, who knows what the economy could do? Getting a job may prove even more difficult in 2 years time?

When you two are ready, you are ready, but I would just recommend making sure YOU are ready and comfortable with the timing.

 ETA: Whatever everyone would think does bother me, not going to lie. But the baby before marriage bothers me on my own, regardless of anyone else. I want to be married and still have some time to ourselves before welcoming a baby to the world. I dont know why, but I do.

Post # 12
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I fully understand what you are going through. Though my SO has not been married before he has really been pushing the child before marriage thing. I understand a lot of our friends have been having children and we got the “baby itch” however like you said, once you have a child it makes it a little harder to plan a wedding. I don’t really agree with him when he said if you want a kid then have one. I told my SO that both a wedding and a child were a commitment however one you save up maybe a year for the other we will have for 18+ years. 

 

There is nothing materialistic about your statement. There is nothing wrong with wanting the ring before the child. I flat out told my SO I don’t want to have a child first because I don’t want you to feel obligated to marry me bcause of a child, I want you to marry me because you want to. Plus I want to enjoy being married first.

 

Stand your ground if you dont’ want a child yet. 

Post # 13
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Better to have a failed marriage without a child than with one. Your marriage will either work or it won’t, you don’t go in to marriage half commited, and reserve part of the commitment for when you have a baby, so I can’t understand that reasoning. It’s not like you think ‘oh, well we’ll just divorce because we hit a rough patch, it’s not like we have kids!’, I would have thought that he of all people would know that, having struggled for years to save his past marriage.

I’m a bit confused by your reply, when you said he has told you he’ll marry you whenever. Does that mean he’d be ok not having a baby before marriage? If you want an engagement before having a baby, then that seems like a compromise. Simply him saying he will marry you, and you actually having a baby doesn’t seem like much of a compromise at all imo.

Post # 14
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a child before marriage, I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with never getting married and having 5 kids. I think marriage/weddings are all individual. I know that people who are divorced can have weird feelings towards getting married…and he definitly does.

Personally, I want to be married before I have children, but that’s just me.

You have to be okay with your decision. I’d take a long time to think about this because once your pregnant, you’re pregnant! and you’d hate to regret your decision and resent your SO for pushing this idea on you.

I think it’s a good idea to get engaged first and talk about plans for a wedding. Set a timeline i.e when our child is 1 yr old we’ll get married, then when you get pregnant, you can start planning and booking. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt by him proposing and then 10 years down the line, you’re still engaged (which can happen!)

Post # 15
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Wonderstruck:  +1

i also wouldn’t feel comfortable whining the baby his last name unless you we’re married to him (regardless of if you choose to change your name when you get married or not). 

 

Also… myself, I would not purposefully get pregnant without being married, but each to their own. 

Post # 16
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Liss13:  Could it be that he find marriage a bit difficult to swallow considering what happened last time? 

Personally I find the idea of having babies first a bit different, but sometimes it seems like a good option. So much of wedding planning is about other people, invitiations, guest lists, what your mom thinks, etc etc. Having a baby is someting that will bind you two together like few other things, and literally something just the two of you will do together. It doesn’t involve eveyone else and their opinions.

It’s not as permanent as a baby and I know many people wouldn’t do it, but my Fiance and I bought a house together before marriage. Funny how you can sign up for a lifetime of debt and that just involves two people but marriage and weddings have to involve nearly everyone.

Perhaps your FH thinks a baby will  lend an air of importance or validity or longevity to your relationship that a marriage/engagement (in his eyes, a second marriage) will not?

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