(Closed) Planning to get pregnant before marriage?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
8039 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Liss13:  Then he’ll use the “but the baby needs X, Y, Z, what about his/her college fund” etc. excuses.

Nooo way would I do this. His logic is baffling.

There is no way in hell I’d willingly have a kid before marriage. What’s he thinking… like “Oh, if I knock her up I am more likely to stay with her!” not good.

Post # 33
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@VikingPrincess:  Yeah, I agree – one of my DH’s friends is like this and when Darling Husband told me about it, even he was like, “I don’t get it, you already know what being married would be like because you already are with the person! Kids are a brand new thing that you’re suddenly thrust into as a 24/7 responsibility. And I’m not responsible for making sure you get fed and taught proper morals and what not, I just have to hang out with you and love you. How can someone be ready for kids and not marriage??”

Post # 34
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

Ok might be slightly biased since SO and I aren’t married and I’m 18 weeks pregnant. But for us he got married at 18 and 2 years in his now ex wife got pregnant. due to the insane stress of having a child and serveral other things they split up a few months before their daughters first birthday. SO and I started dating a couple months later neither one looking for anything serious but now 4 years later here we are. We were already raising his daughter so planning a wedding or honeymoon would still have the child aspect involved. This way when we are getting stressed as I know we will and even pregnancy has turned out to be at times stressful. But neither of us feel like we’re married we HAVE to make this work. It more like I love you and I want to make it work. Maybe its just our mind set, we both came from divorced families my mom is on her third husband and his mom never remarried. For us we know that marriage of even children don’t mean you’ll be together forever. My mom has been with her now husband for 10 years and his mom has been with her boyfriend for 7, so they have both done better “dating” then married.

Getting married is important to me (eventually) but having a family while still young and having his daughter relatively close in age was far more important then what is on my left hand or which box I check on a legal document. We have a joint account same insurance plan, if he dies his life insurance goes to me (even before getting pregnant). We have lived together for 3 years and have a down payment for a house ready just aren’t sure where we want to buy.

 I refer to him IRL as my husband especially at work. He does the same thing about me. We’ll be silly fighting and one of us will be like I want a divorce and then we both just laugh. People think we’re nuts but it works for us.

We aren’t having this baby to solidify our relationship or anything even close to that. Please don’t attack me. I see you all are on the other side. Just wanted you to see my view.

Post # 35
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I, too, was a bit hesitant about ever getting married again after my divorce.  We actually started TTC in July, got engaged in August, conceived in October, and married in January.  But we’re also a little older than you guys and that is what worked for us.  I think our families had pretty much resigned themselves to the fact that we weren’t going to get married until we announced an engagement.  We announced the baby at Thanksgiving/Christmas, and really didn’t have any judgemental comments at all.   

I was lucky in that I was out of the first trimester at the wedding and never really got all that sick, but not being able to drink at your own wedding is a bummer. 

Post # 36
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It really seems like this isn’t something you want to do OP. Maybe it works for some people, and that’s good for them but it seems like you know you don’t want to have a baby right now. I surely wouldnt while I was in school. My biggest question to you is whether you want to start having kids so young. It is an enormous lifestyle change!! Does your SO currently have full custody of his other child? Having a kid on weekends are or one thing, but having a baby all the time is very different. 

My littler sister who is your age had my niece last month- and now she feels way over her head. And she takes care of the baby 95% of the time bc her fiancé works. She loves her baby but she is starting to wish she waited until she was over. She wants to get married but will not do it until after she loses the baby weight.

 When it comes to babies, I assumed responsibility would be 50/50 between parents- but at least for all my friends with kids, mommy does 90% of the work. And maybe for some couples it is more even but i have so many friends who continually complain about the uneveness of the work.  When daddy changes the diaper, people say “what a good dad!” But mom has already done 15 diaper changes that day and no one says anything.  Mommies don’t get to go to bachelorette parties in Vegas, at least not while they are still breast feeding. You dont have romantic weekend trips anymore- at least not at first because you cant leave the baby with a sitter when the baby is too young.  Its harder to spend time with and relate to your friends without kids. So many men want babies (a mini-me sounds cool) but having a baby doesn’t impact them the same way it impacts moms!  They dont have to carry the baby for 9 months, ruin their body, and take care of another human being around the clock. If you are not ready for all that- then you shouldn’t have a baby yet. If that is what you want right now, then go for it (and if you want a rock you make sure you have that first!)

 

Post # 37
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Oh wow, his reasoning does not make sense at all, as others have said. It sounds like he’s wanting everything that comes with marriage except actual marriage. And who can blame him, it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Sucks that you have to pay for that though by being with him.

Also, I went through this with my ex. He was also married at 18 and divorced not long after, and he told me the same things. Needless to say after one pregnancy scare and overhearing a conversation he had about marriage with one of his friends, I left him, knowing we were never going to get on the same page. I think he only said those things to me to keep me around so he could have his cake and eat it too.

Not to say that your SO is the same way, but I would be weary of his logic.

Post # 38
Member
27 posts
Newbee

Marriage does provide safeguards in certain situations.

Post # 40
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

@MisStine:  Congrats! Pregnancy is a wild ride.LOL  We have a 1yr old together, who will probably be my only since we are older.(he has a 14yr old) We’re 31 and 34, with a home and done with our Bachelors/Masters so we’re a little older, than the typical bee, but  I really agree with you here:

But neither of us feel like we’re married we HAVE to make this work. It more like I love you and I want to make it work.

Post # 44
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Look whether people want to come to this realization or not… society dynamics are changing dramatically. What was “not” the norm in 1980 (living together without being married) is becoming the norm now. I feel that a couple should do what they want, what they desire, as long as they have a stable, loving, caring, non-abusive relationship. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, however I have also known people who have the stance that religion is everything and they have gotten married/divorced/etc… and I know people who have had children and are not married, but are happily raising a family and their children seem to be more well adjusted than the parents who got married first (which most people think is the “right” way) – the children are really suffering. I say do what is right for you, you only live once. I am not judging either way and am not trying to group people together or create a stereotype.

Post # 45
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Liss13:  I am sorry, I’m not sure where I got that he had a child from his previous marriage- maybe I got your posts mixed up with another bee.  I don’t think that anyone has meant to bash your man, but generally disagree that having a child before you get married is a good idea.  What if he promises to get married when the baby is 3 years old and doesn’t?  You could end up stuck in a relationship not leading to marriage and if you leave after you two already have a child together, you can break uo but this man will be in your life forever.  Mostly I think deciding to have a child is a life-long commitment for you and if you aren’t over the moon about it, then I think you shouldn’t do it.  Good luck!

Post # 46
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Liss13:  I hope you don’t feel like I was bashing your man – that was certainly not my intent, and I’m sorry if it came out that way!

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