Planning to move in together, but no ring…

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
2439 posts
Buzzing bee

So…. he tricked you into a signing a lease with him by hiding the fact that he wants to CHANGE your agreed upon timeline from you?

Manipulative and Selfish. Check, check.

He ALREADY delayed moving in together because of being “unsure?”

Flaky. Check.

He gave “I want saving in the bank” as an excuse, yet already HAS savings in the bank.

Stringing you along. Check.

NOW he’s trying to move the timeline back by TWO YEARS and basically calling you selfish unless you go along with him unilaterally changing things.

Unreliable. Manipulative (again). Check, check.

Break the lease NOW – pay whatever fine you have to pay, and get another place. I would never move in with a guy when the power dynamic was THIS uneven.

Post # 32
Member
7 posts
Newbee

shopper4ever21 :  I totally get what your dealing with. TRUST me, I’ve been there. But, what I’ve learned is that’s you need to be flexible. When I was 22, my friends were all getting engaged. By the 23, I started asking for a timeline and boy did that backfire. Well, I got engaged. Booked a venue. Got a dress. Oh, and even bought a house with him! But, he started to resent the fact that I pushed for that among a bunch of other things (mainly that I made more money). Well, it was hard but I canceled the wedding and sold the house. But, honey..I met someone that can not wait to start a future with me. It feels right and i have never had to ask when an engagement would happen. 

I hope from my story, you can see that it’s not always about a timeline. I have friends that have made ultimatums to their SO for a ring: BIG MISTAKE. 

If you see that he’s not interested in taking that step now, it’s ok. A marriage is about both of you being ready and wanting to take that step. Suggest giving him some time (not much), but more importantly setting a timeline for yourself. I.e. moving on in a year if your not in the phase of the relationship you’d like to me. Don’t waste time like I did. I was in an awful relationship for more than 5 years, and now I honestly couldn’t be happier. 

 

Post # 33
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I personally can’t understand giving a timeline to someone. That’s like an ultimatum in my opinion. If you have to beg and set expiration dates to move your relationship forward why even be in it? Also it’s easy for women to set timelines because your not spending the money on the ring. If you want to be engaged go buy him a ring and ask. Or tell him you don’t need a ring and you just want to be engaged. People always want to say it’s tacky to ask for money or gifts but demanding a ring is some how different? Being engaged isn’t about the ring, so try saying that to your bf if he still is apprehensive then I would say break the lease and walk away. 

Post # 34
Member
4804 posts
Honey bee

Break the lease. Start seeing other people, this guy is not the one for you.

Post # 35
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee

He’s used every trick in the book to keep you around on his terms. You know what you need to do, honey. 

Post # 36
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

shopper4ever21 :  if I was dating someone for three years and his response to asking when we’ll get engaged was to freak out, that would be my answer right there. No need to waste another year or two on someone who’s stricken with fear at the thought of marrying you.

Post # 37
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

If you had agree til the end of 2018, you can stay in the apartment for a year and sees what happen. 1 year will be over before you know it and that way you won’t be breaking any lease and causins that kind of a headache. But I wouldn’t let him string you along anymore than 1 year in the apartment. You guys had an agreed timeline and he kept trying to back out. He also lied to you about what he has in the bank. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he’s planning to purpose but don’t want to give away the surprise. But from the history you mentioned, he’s being very flakey and is not holding his end on what you both agreed on. That’s not good for a long term commitment. 

One of our couple friends, the woman told him she wants to be engaged before they move into an apartment together. They weren’t even together as long as you guys have been, but he agreed and they did get engaged and married a year later. 

My Fiance and I moved in to apartment together fairly quickly, but I told him we’re not getting a house together til he’s ready to commit with a ring because having a house together is a hhuuggee responsibility and I need to know he’s in it for the long hurl. When we were in the process of looking for a house I reminded him of our agreement. He understood and didn’t call me crazy or pushy. He just told me to look for what kind of ring I would like.

PLAN AND SIMPLE: If someone wants to be with you, it doesn’t matter the years. And he wouldn’t be confused. You know if you want to spend your life with someone. My Fiance got his mom’s old engagement ring 6 months into our relationship incase he needed it. I never had to push him to commit to me and you shouldn’t have to either. 

Post # 38
Member
2774 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

As someone who would never live with someone before a ring, I totally see why you are hesistating. 

This guy has let you down multiple times. It would severely change how I felt about my SO if they didn’t think they’d be ready to propose after LIVING together for 2 years. Unless I was super young or something. That’s just dragging your feet. 

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would agree with PP that I think I would break the lease if I were you.

Post # 39
Member
2727 posts
Sugar bee

I’m someone that would never have considered getting engaged to someone that i HADN’T lived with, and I still don’t think you should move in with him. Because:

A) You’re not on the same page in your relationship
B) You have different ideas of what moving in together means

You need to sort those two things out before taking the next step in your relationship. 

 

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