(Closed) Playing the role of housewife without the ring…..

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Stranger516:  Don’t play house!! He will take advantage of you.  Trust me from personal experience and every relationship book and article I have ever read, says don’t do it!  He has no reason to marry you if you are taking care of you, like you are his wife.

I realized I was playing wifey too much before we got engaged so this is how I cut it back. My friends agreed that I DID WAY Too Much for him!

 I only did his laundry sometimes and when I did it, I folded it but made him put it up.  I stopped making his bed after everyday getting out of it.  I only did the dishes half of the time, split choirs with him.  I didn’t cook for him every night.  If you don’t have a job I would get one asap, atleast one part time, to keep yourself busy.  If you are working you have an excuse on why you are not doing all his choirs for him, but if you are not working, he will think you are just being lazy.

 

 

 

Post # 33
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Stranger516:  I lived with my Fiance for 1.5 years before he proposed. My mother was always harping on me about the fact that if I move in, he loses his incentive to get married to me. I absolutely see that point, but I more or less told her that I had my own timeline, and that if at the 4-5 year mark (we had been together 3 when I moved in) we weren’t anywhere close to engagement, I was going to walk, plain and simple. Not to pressure my SO at the time, but I more or less made this pretty clear to him. He knew from minute one that I was in this for the long haul and for marriage, and not to play house for the rest of my life. If marriage wasn’t in the cards, I was gone.

While I understand the concerns that he won’t propose because you’re living together, you do need to have the frank conversation with him about a tentative timeline. I don’t think that you need to say this to pressue him, and I am not about giving an ultimatum, or anything like that. Me leaving as a result of not being proposed to was not to get my SO to feel like he had to make a choice, but in my mind, I knew and he knew that marriage was my goal at the end of all of this, and I’m sorry, but if you’ve been together for 5+ years, IMO, and you’re still not ready/sure you want to be with someone, then you’re never going to be. Me leaving if I didn’t get a ring was for myself, not to put the pressure on him. I think that you need to let him know that marriage needs to be in the cards, and you don’t mean 10 years from now. Make it clear that you will not stick around to play happy housewife forever, and that if things aren’t looking like they’re going in the direction you want in 1-2 or however many years you are comfortable with, that you may need to reconsider. Again, not to pressure him, but for yourself. You deserve to be with someone who KNOWS they want to be with you.

I think that as long as he knows that he does have some more time, but that there needs to be a ring at the end of the road, and it needs to be in a reasonable amount of time, there can still be a bit of an element of surprise with the proposal, and you won’t feel like you’re wasting your time living with him and acting as if you’re already married. But you also need to be firm when you say that if things don’t happen in a normal/expected/discussed timeframe, that you will be moving on to someone who does treasure you. You are young, so don’t feel the need to rush, although I do completely understand where you’re coming from. Best of luck to you!

Post # 34
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Maybe I’m unusual in that I’ve not necessarily viewed marriage as an essential consequence of living together – I lived happily with my now DH for many years before we married – but I accept that other people view things differently. However, I’ve also never been prepared to play housekeeper to anyone and have always expected chores to be shared.

I think that if marriage is important to you and that you want to marry this guy then you need to discuss some sort of timeline. If he cannot agree to this, or even confirm that he’ll revisit the idea of engagement within the next couple of years then only you know whether you’ll be happy about living together knowing that there is no guarantee of marriage. Although having said this, engagement alone is never any absolute guarantee that marriage will follow. I’m afraid I’ve known at least a couple of girls who got an engagement ring (mainly, I suspect, to keep them happy and onboard) but who found themselves nowhere nearer getting married.

I also think that you need to organise a much fairer division of tasks around the house too. Women were not put on this earth in order to wait hand and foot on men!

Post # 35
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Stranger516:  It can happen butttttt 6 years is a long time. SO and I have been living together for a year and he bought a ring the proposal is coming any minute! Best of luck to you

Post # 36
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Stranger516:  I wouldn’t marry someone that I didn’t live with first. It does make sense to test the waters and see if you two are compatible before taking such a huge step. Living together is a whole different ball game.

I’m not sure why women keep score and use this “playing house” term. You are partners now, even if you aren’t married. Who cares if you are making dinner and cleaning up? You’d be doing those things anyway and you love him.

I had no problem doing any of that for my man when he was boyfriend, Fiance, or husband.

Post # 37
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Stranger516:  Don’t let everyone scare you out of this.. We dated for 10 years — 3 of these were HS, 4 were Long Distance during college, and I lived with him for 3 before he proposed. We both knew we were going to get engaged when the time was right.  

 

I get it that you’re 23, but were you REALLY ready to get married for the last 6 years that you’ve been dating?  In my situation, yeah we had been together for 10 years, but I wasn’t really ‘ready’ to be engaged for the first 8 of them. 

Post # 38
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Stranger516:  My DH swears he could never have proposed without living with me first.

I would set a timeline before agreeing to move in–like “If we’re not engaged by January 2nd, 2015, I’m moving out and looking for someone who does want to marry me”

Only nicer, because what I said is a little mean sounding…

Post # 39
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Tricky situation. If I didn’t have to move in with him I wouldn’t. I would honestly continue living at my own place or my parents house if the only reason to move in together at this point was because we had been together 6 years.

However, if circumstances were extenuating and moving in together was the only way to live in that city or be together at all, etc – if my name wasn’t on the title to the house, I wouldn’t pay anything towards the mortgage. Utilities and food budget – fine, but not towards the house payment if I have no control over it at all. You don’t want to be in a position where you help him make his house payments for 3 years and things don’t work out and you have nothing to show for it. 

Post # 40
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Okay, you need to take care of yourself in this situation. A few things, you are still very young. While you’ve been together a long time that doesn’t necessarily mean you are both ready for marriage. Regardless, you and Fiance should at least have the same plan. This is what I would do – and if you don’t feel comfortable doing these things, then you aren’t ready to move-in together.

1. Talk with him about your expectations. Let him know that you are excited to live with him, but you will not live with him without being engaged indefinetly. Let him know that you hope to be engaged within X amount of time (1 year? 2 years?) and that if you he can’t make that promise to you, then you don’t feel comfortable moving in with him.

2. Household responsiblities – he does his own chores now, right? So why would that change when you move in? Under no circumstances should you play “housewife”. You both should split responsiblities. You say that he owns the house – will you be contributing? If not (which I don’t really think you should be paying the mortgage) you should make an agreement about what you do contribute to so that there isn’t resentment on both sides.

Post # 41
Member
9795 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

The situation really depends on the guy.

Definitely set a timeline.

I moved in with Fiance 3.5 months after we met and it’s probably the reason we got engaged so quickly as well (at about 10 months)–because living together worked out so well for us.  I imagine if we didn’t live together until later that we wouldn’t have gotten engaged until much later.

Living together before getting engaged/married was really great for us.  I don’t think I could marry or get engaged to someone I didn’t live with first.

You’re really young though and many guys are not ready to get married until they’re into their late 20s (yours is only mid 20s).  So it might just be that he’s not ready yet in general.  I would talk to him and set a reasonable timeline that you both are comfortable with.  Even though you’ve been together 6 years I don’t consider that the same as someone who is 30 and been with their SO for 6 years.  You were not ready to get married 5 years ago I assume.

Post # 42
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You moving in with him doesn’t mean you will be the one cooking and cleaning. It is just as much his place as yours, so duties should be split unless he is the only one that works.

You need to let him know your intentions up front so he knews that you aren’t just moving in with him to be a girlfriend.

Post # 43
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

yeah… 6 years is a long time but you weren’t dating as an adult that whole time or waiting for a ring (at least I hope not..).

 

Post # 44
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh no, that sounds like a terrible situation just waiting to happen. If you know you want to marry this guy, don’t move in without a timeline. Otherwise chances are very good that you will be hoping every year for a ring that may never be coming. How many threads have been started here with women in that very situation? More than I can count. 

If it was you buying the house and having the income, it might be different. But he definitely has the advantage here.

Post # 45
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Stranger516:  My Fiance is 40 and *never* would have proposed without living together first. Hell, he wouldnt propose without dating for about 2 years, either. You’re on your best behavior when you’re dating without living together…and *entirely* different side comes out when you’re comfortable and in your element, though I understand not everyone feels this way. Just giving my two cents.

However, you seem to be “over” the entire thing, and I think you shouldnt move in if you really feel you wouldnt be happy if he proposed.

Post # 46
Member
4843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to be doing all of the cooking and cleaning. You’re in a partnership, you’re not adopting him. If I were you, I would probably not move in honestly. But there are things you can do, like continue on building your life the way you want it. Keep doing school. Are you going to be paying towards the house? Make sure you’re an equal contibutor financially so you don’t get into a child-parent style relationship. You don’t want to be someone just living in “his” house if you get what I mean. Continue buliding your life so you are not dependent on him. If you become dependent on him he may see it fit to continue stringing you along as you will be stuck and have no way to move on if he sits idle. I think after 6 years a cut and dry discussion srrounding marriage is reasonable. I don’t know what the laws are where you live, but here if you co habitate for 2 years you are considered common law anyway. 

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