(Closed) Playing the role of housewife without the ring…..

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t know why women fall for that line “if we talk about it, it will ruin the surprise!”  Puh-lease.  We need to stay in control of our own lives and futures and be equal partners in major life decisions like when to get engaged and married!  The proposal itself can be a surprise, fine, but a timeline for engagement and then marriage should be discussed and mutually agreed.

OP, based on what you’ve posted I would not move in with this dude without sitting him down and mutually agreeing on a timeline for when you can expect to be engaged.  Saying 6 months, a year, whatever, doesn’t “spoil the surprise”.

Post # 48
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

@Stranger516:  I can understand how you feel… I’m feeling that way myself. In our case though we both have 6 figure jobs but thankfully mine is farely low pressure and since I get off a t 4 every afternoon and he tends to work late I do the bulk of the housework and cooking. I feel like he is comfortable and getting all the perks of being married, so why would he propose now. I wish I could go back and get my own place when we moved to a new city.

I also feel like I won’t even be excited when he finally does it.

Not much help I know, but wanted you to know you aren’t alone!

Post # 49
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I guess I am just the type of person who likes doing all the cooking and some of the cleaning. My SO and I do not officially live together yet (there are specific reasons, he asked me 2 months ago and I decided I was not ready to give up my apartment space yet) but I do sleep at his house at least 5-6 nights a week. I do all the cooking-because I LOVE cooking…and he loves my food. I do make his plate and bring it to him most of the time (I know that just made some bees vomit a little) but that is because he works very long hours and by the time he gets home and takes a shower it is 9 pm and I am walking over there with my plate anyway. If I get up to get myself something, I will get him something too. He will do the dishes, but I get anxious about a messy sink so I usually do them before he gets a chance…he tells me to leave them for him buuuut I can’t. haha.

I usually will clean the house with him, as far as I am concerned I am making half of the mess. I also work out on the farm with him most nights and weekends. Just simple stuff like driving the tractor for him while he is doing the “man work.” He literally works 15 hour days (with 40 min commute each way) so he really does not have the time to keep up on everything at the house.

The plus side is that he does the laundry (and folds it!!!!!). I HATE laundry and I would rather wait on him hand and foot for the rest of my life then have to fold/put away my own laundry. BLECH!!!!!!!!!! worst chore ever!!!!! That chore split will be made clear when we move in together!

Also he is VERY appreciative and has never asked me to do anything that I do. He has even asked me a few times if I really like cooking for him everynight or if I just do it because I feel like I have to…of course my answer is I LOVE IT! 🙂

ETA: We are in our early 30’s, he has been married before and I have not.I have also lived on my own for my adult life which is why I am hesitant about loosing my space. 23 year old me would have never been ready to move in with someone!

Post # 50
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I’m a huge believer in living together before marriage, but I was not willing to move in without an engagement, and I strongly recommend you not move in with your man if he’s not willing to at least agree to a time frame you’re comfortable with. If he is right for you, if you two are truly partners, then he will give you what you need. I wouldn’t move in with him though if he won’t. You know what you want out of life. Be assertive in pursuing that.

Post # 51
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I moved in with my boyfriend after 3 years of transatlantic long distance. He had mentioned a few times (without any prompting) that he envisioned us engaged within a year or so of living together. Well, that year has come and gone with no actual progress toward an engagement or marriage. In fact, he now keeps mentioning how he doesn’t feel like an adult or that he is even capable of adult decisions. When he sees friends our age getting married (23-24 years old) he mentions that they are just silly kids. It’s such a discouraging situation, and if I had to do it over again I wouldn’t have moved in with him yet. Based on our relationship prior to moving in, I never ever thought I would be in this scenario (waiting on a proposal). I would seriously proceed with caution if I were you and definitely wouldn’t move in without some sort of a timeline in place. We didn’t really have actual discussions about timelines beyond him mentioning every so often “a year or so.” So I took him at that. Please, please learn from my mistake and have an actual, serious conversation about it beforehand. 

Post # 52
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Stranger516:  I would NOT move in without a ring and a wedding date. Don’t sell yourself short.

It’s been 6 years, talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words.  HE is buying a house, HE won’t tell you when he will be ready for marriage……you see the red flags!

 

 

Post # 53
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Stranger516:  This doesn’t sound like a good idea. You’re moving into HIS house and you haven’t spoken to him about your expectations…ie the ball is totally in HIS court. It sounds like you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. If you want to marry him you have to be able to be open with him from now and let him know what your expectations are. But I still don’t feel it’s ever a wise decision to move into a house with someone when your name isn’t also on the mortgage. 

Post # 54
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well has he told you that he expects you to take care of the household or are you assuming? Are you going to take care of the house in lieu of paying rent? I for one, have never believed that possessing an uterus automatically makes me responsible for upkeep of the house. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Post # 55
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@This Time Round:  Your advice is so great and spot-on. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. 🙂

View original reply
@Stranger516:  Has he said he wants to marry YOU? 23 and 25 are still relatively young ages, but you should talk about your life plans and where you see each other in your respective futures.

Also, why does it sound like you are going to be the only one doing chores? Is he working 100 hours a week or something?

Post # 56
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am in support of living together before marriage, and engagement. I lived with my Fiance (before he was my FI) for a while and it just solidified and made us even more comfortable with each other and sure that this is how we want to spend our lives. It was also nice that we got to learn eachothers habits without pressure. If we HAD found out something that was a dealbreaker, we wouldn’t have had to go through a broken engagement. I’m glad for that time.

That being said, there is a huge difference between moving in with eachother with open lines of communication and clear understandings/goals that each person is comfotable with and on the same page, and moving in with eachother for convenience and not on the same page. That just leads to hurt feelings and heartbreak. My Fiance and I were completely on board with getting engaged, we agreed that we would get formally engaged before we graduated college and married within a year, we even talked about children and where we would like to live, etc before moving in together. We had a clear life plan that we both compromised and agreed upon beforehand. WE also rehashed and keep revisiting this life plan while living together, of course. I don’t think I would have been as comfortable living with him if I weren’t very sure that sometime in the future (in a timeframe that I was comfortable with and SO had agreed upon) a proposal was coming, or at least some form of agreement to make me feel more stable.

I am not worried about you living together, OP. I’m more worried that your SO isn’t willing to have a conversation about your life plan. That is something that should be discussed before taking such a step to make sure YOU are comfortable, not just him. Don’t let him tell you it would ruin the surprise; it would still be a surprise in how he does it and when *exactly* its happening. this excuse is stupid. Make sure he knows that its important for you to feel stable and valued, and THATS why you need to talk about it.

Good luck!

Post # 57
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

also along with that, when and if you decide to move in, don’t do more chores than you are comfortable with. If he owns a house, he has MORE responsibility to maintain it than you and its not automatically your responsibility to do anything. We’re past the age of housewife maids! You DONT have to do everything, especially if doing so will build resentment ON TOP OF resentment for no proposal. That just doesn’t sound like a good idea IMO.

Before you move in, get a solid agreement (in writing preferably) on who does what chores and when. It might feel like you’re little kids getting a chore schedule but trust me, it will eliminate many arguments down the road. Even better if you can post the list on the fridge or something for easy access and reference. If you hate laundry, have him do laundry. If you don’t mind doing dishes but he loathes them, you take them. Or, do the chores together, fold laundry together, cook together, sweep while he does dishes. Thats what Fiance and I do and it really builds our relationship and makes chores fun!

If your SO thinks thats a silly idea, be firm and tell him you’re not moving in without a firm agreement. Then he can do ALL the chores himself.

Post # 58
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve seen a lot of girls on this thread use the word “leverage” in regards to a proposal.

If that’s how you see moving in together, maybe it’s good you don’t rush into an engagement.

My fiance and I moved in together 3 months before he proposed. We were already spending so much time together as it was, it just financially made sense.

While it wasn’t a surprise when he proposed, I couldn’t ever imagine saying it wasn’t exciting or I never would be excited because I was waiting so long.

Honey, do you want a wedding or a marriage? Because it sounds suspiciously like you’re only after one of those. If that’s the case, don’t do it. Don’t move in if you can’t “trust” him to want to marry you.

Post # 59
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Fiance and I moved in together a year and a half after dating. We had known each other 2 years before that.

However – he was ALWAYS talking marriage – even from early on. We got engaged 5 years into dating – and we are getting married next july.

Living together for us worked great- it would have been nice to save a bit more – but his family was moving to a smaller home and my home life was a bit of a mess – none of our friends were in a position to move out of their homes – so it kind of just worked for us.

I’m far from being a good house wife- in fact- I kind of suck at being domestic. He’s not with me because of that- I’ve never worried about him not wanting to marry me because of our situation. I guess it’s different for everyone.

Just make sure you have cleared the air before anything – you both need to be on the same page.

Post # 60
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Stranger516:  I definitely do not think you should move in without a timeline from him. That is how girls get into those eternal, wife-but-not-a-wife situations. Lots of people move in and it works for them, but every instance I’ve seen of that had some boundaries set. You need to set those boundaries.

While 23 and 25 isn’t terribly old, after six years, he should be able to give you a timeline if he actually does want to marry you. 

Also, “it’s been six years” and “he has a house now” don’t seem like very pressing reasons for you to move in. Given that in reality your situation is “it’s been six years with no tangible commintment,” I think that would be a reason not to move in. Him buying a house is kind of neutral. So he has one, why should that mean you have to move into it? This shouldn’t be something you feel obligated to do based on that act of his. 

Post # 61
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I must admit I’ve never understood the fear of moving in before receiving a ring. Surely if you have a good relationship and you communicate well you know where the relationship is headed? Sometimes I think people worry too much. Unless you are in your late 20’s+, I wouldn’t be too concerned about a timeframe. It’ll happen eventually (unless you’ve picked the wrong person!). 

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