(Closed) Playing with fire and need advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
709 posts
Busy bee

@ashley99:  I think you need to figure out what you want. 

Of course attention from others feels good. But do you always want to log into those sites to get a boost for your self-esteem? Wouldn’t you rather be admired by your husband?  

Do you want to make it work out with the two of you? If so you need to find a way to do so… Maybe counseling could help. Maybe you can work it out on your own. (Talk, talk, talk). I think you can’t hate him for something he did 6 years ago. You either need to learn to let that go – or if you can’t let it go, move on.


Post # 18
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@HisIrishPrincess:  +1000

What you’re doing is a really immature way to handle this issue. Two wrongs don’t make a right. All you’re doing is further destroying any trust between the two of you, and now it’s hypocritical of you to be mad that he has/is posting on these websites when you’re doing the same exact thing. Neither of you is in the right.

Post # 19
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i must be confused too, i was reading it htat 6 years ago he had this issue, you confronted him and he said he quit and then a few days ago, you found he was on a new site??

either way, it seems like you could use a professional’s take on this. there are a lot of people here with a lot of opinions, but all that matters is you deciding if his wandering eye is something you can forgive and, secondarily, why you get so much pleasure from being pursued by other dudes.

Post # 22
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m reading all your responses but still not understanding why you are dredging up something that happened 6 years ago? I’m not trying to be mean….honest. If you are currently fulfilling his needs, and having sex then what’s the problem currently?

Post # 25
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ashley99:  Well, I think you can agree two wrongs do not make a right.  I think in order to right your wrong, you owe it to him to a) delete/deactivate those accounts IMMEDIATELY, and b) confront him/communicate with him your continued hurt from the past, and anger, and how that anger fueled your retaliation, of which you know is wrong.  I believe that from this point forward you have a lot of communicating that needs to be done, and a lot of trust that needs to be rebuit in your relationship.  


Post # 26
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I still don’t really understand. Is this correct?:

He looked at other sites six years ago? And you already knew this. 

The other day, you made a profile “in retaliation.”

Is that right?


Why would you wait six years to do this? I’m sorry, and please don’t take this as snark, but something doesn’t seem to be adding up to me. Are you really still that angry even though it was six years ago and you supposedly worked it out? If that is true, please, please consider talking to a counselor. It’s not ok to hold grudges in your marriage, particularly not for six years. It will ultimately ruin your relationship if it hasn’t already.

Also, I want to ask if it’s maybe possible that you’re bored in your marriage and knew these sites were an option because of the incident 6 years ago? Maybe I’m totally off base here, but it sounds to me like perhaps you’re using the 6 year old incident as an excuse to justify posting on one of these sites. (Again – this is all based on the assumption my above synopsis is correct because I’m confused about what you wrote generally) I’m not judging you, and everyone like attention from the opposite sex. 

But please, honey, stop. You’re going down a path that may end your marriage. What feels good right now as a passing flirtation will not sustain you for life. If you’re really done, and believe you’ve done everything you can (although I think counselling would be a bare minimum for “everything you can”) then end your marriage and move on. But please consider the reality of your actions. Are you guys happy on a day-to-day basis? Do you enjoy his company? Have you built a quality life together? What you’re doing could put an end to all of that considering the certain circumstances in which you’re operating now. 

At the very least, I recommend coming clean to your DH and having a very serious discussion about what you both expect from one another in terms of sexuality, intimacy, and monogamy. I’m not necessarily advocating for an open marriage, but there is a lot of pressure on couples to remain entirely manogamous and considering both your actions, it sounds you need to work out what will work with both of you to keep you both engaged (in the non-wedding sense), happy, and fulfilled. This could mean complete manogamy, or it could mean something else. There’s a lot of grey area out there, but couples need to define exactly what they need and expect from one another. So far, it sounds like both are not necessarily playing straight with the other. 

*hugs* Good luck! 

Post # 27
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@ashley99:  While this isn’t the exact same situation- my best friend years ago was a male.

He dated a woman- and they seemed like they had a pretty solid relationship.  I was friends with her, and one day she came over and confided in me that lately, everytime she would wake up at night, my male friend would be at the computer, looking at pron and masturbating.


They had sex- frequently, but he still felt the need to do this.  I never really talked to him about why he was doing it- was it because he really enjoyed looking at porn, or because he really liked to masturbate, or because they weren’t having sex enough?  I don’t know all the details because it wasn’t my relationship….but point is, it was happening, even though she thought thier sex life was great.


Needless to say, they broke up- eventually it led to her being insecure and she couldn’t handle it anymore, even though he was a great BF in every other way.


If you husband can’t get through times without sex because you’re ill, I don’t know how this relationship will survive.

Post # 28
1521 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t think there is anything to be confused about. I think the OP should quit visiting the explicit sites and let her subscription run out. 

I know it may have seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but hurting your husband will not make you feel better.

Please go see a counselor as these problems will not go away on their own.

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