- 9 years ago
- Wedding: February 2014
(posting this under a different user name, to my usual)
I have a couple of dear friends going through some serious emotional crap right now! I’ll try and keep this short :S
Known her and her husband for 4 years. Me and my Fiance actually introduced them, they are both very close to us together and separately as friends. Anyhow, these two hit it off as soon as they met and became best buddies, he fell in love with her, she was unsure of her feelings towards him in that way. Fast forward, they try to become a couple, it did not work out, they remain best friends and then she feels that maybe she has been fighting her love for him and that he actually is the one for her.
They are on and off for a while, never living together.
Fast forward 3 years, they fall pregnant, they rush to Cyprus to elope and she miscarries on the plane. After all of that, he bends down on one knee and says regardless, I still want you to be my wife, she accepts, they marry the next day as planned.
Almost straight away, without any time to live together, get to know each other as husband and wife, taking time to grieve, they try for another baby and she falls pregnant ASAP. Many of their friends felt this was a bold move, perhaps not the best, but we left them to make their own choices, always promising to be there for them come what may.
Anyhow, they are now due the 3 month scan and it’s been seriously up and down since, she was in tears this morning to me, saying she can’t deal with his constant passive aggressive attitude, his ‘false’ job, commission only no real contract, his daddy paying for their flat for the first year, so they can save money, etc. She is working full time and is quite independent, successful. She resents that he is not ‘manning’ up and finding a real job, resents that he is living off his dad for a while…he resents her for trying to change him, nagging him and belittling everything he does (his words). He keeps threatening divorce, I mean he did it this morning, the DAY BEFORE the 12 week scan!!!! She was in tears in the car with me, and I feel so helpless.
I know them both and what they are BOTH LIKE, and I know they can both be difficult in their own way, THEY ONLY thing that is swaying me, is the fact the she is pregnant and vulnerable and does not need threats and childish behaviour from her husband right now, why does he have to act like such a dick at this crucial [email protected]!!!
I keep telling them both, that they have gone from care free, single, no real problems, miscarriage, to living together, being married, falling pregnant again, lack of stability (on his side), understanding each others routine, getting used to each other’s habits, etc – ITS NOT EASY doing that, if you have been together for years, let alone doing it having NEVER lived together or been in a stable and serious long term [email protected]!!
Ergggghh, so now she has moved out for a few days to collect her thoughts and have some space, perhaps this may make him realise that whatever happens, she is capable enough of looking after herself, if she had to, she could do this alone, so his empty threats, should stop, because she is not going to allow him to make her feel as though she can’t cope without him! THAT SAID! They are JUST married, with a baby on the way, I don’t think divorce should be an option, not so early, there is nothing here that can’t be fixed in time, with counselling, which they have tried, but apparently her husband manipulated the whole session and the therapist ended up telling her, she needed singular sessions with him, as she has issues from her past she needs to work through.
As a friend, I have said that I am there for her and them both whatever happens, told her not to give up, told her that this is what to have expected (sorry to be blunt) but it’s true, they both made this choice knowing full well, that they were not really prepared for it, they can’t expect to go from the lives they had before to playing HAPPY families, it was always going to be a challenge! That said, I really do think her husband, needs to stop acting like such a baby and really take hold of is responsibilities and STOP threatening her every time he feels he is losing control!
INDIVIDUALLY THEY ARE BOTH AWESOME people and together, they are sooooooooooo funny, constant jokes, inside giggles, he totally adores her and she loves him, BUT the cracks are really growing now and none of the good stuff seems to be there anymore L It’s sad to see.
AS A FRIEND, what advice would you give, I give so much advice, but I never really know what the right thing to say is or the right words to say are, I can see BOTH SIDES, I know them both, and I just don’t know what to do, part of me wants to tell her DH to fix up, as I don’t want to see this stress causing any harm to my future god child (they asked me and my Fiance to be god parents J – She needs to be calm and relaxed and not in tears, stressed and sad all the time!!!!
Honestly, If it was completely one sided and he was the total ass wipe, then my views would be stronger, but I can see and understand his emotions at times and I know he is a good man, at the same time, I do think he is a childish, stubborn prat that needs to ACCEPT his responsibilities. She has very high standards, can be a little condescending at times to him, but she is also very organised, realistic and she has compromised a lot to please him and his needs too!
What would you do/say to your friends in this situation if they were crying to you and you saw their marriage falling apart so early, with a child on the way?