(Closed) PLEASE advise what to do with HORRIBLE grandmother who is torturing our family!

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: What to do with grandmother who is driving us all insane?
    have her go back to her own country : (4 votes)
    31 %
    just ignore her as much as possible--even if she remains here : (6 votes)
    46 %
    other (please explain!) : (3 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 3
    2450 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    sounds like dementia to me.

    my old neighbor (who was close with my family) started to get really angry all the time towards the end of his lucid years. he started suspecting people of stealing from him and was just an old grump who yelled alot. 

    it was only about a year of this before his daughters put him in a care center.

    Post # 4
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @rosworms:  This is exactly what I was thinking especially if she is getting progressively worse…my grandmother was the same. Do some research on it and take her to a doctor for diagnosis.

    Post # 5
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    It really sounds like dementia to me as well. Sending her back home won’t make dementia better. If it truly is dementia, it only gets progressively worse. It may be worth looking into assisted living centers in your area who specialize in dementia. There are also a lot of other options such as aids who can come to their home & take some of the stress off your grandfather. In my family, two of my grandparents and one great uncle all had dementia. We cared for all of them at home for as long as possible. My grandfather had the most violent/mean tendencies (even though he was normally the nicest man), and his personality drastically changed.

    Post # 6
    2232 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I agree with PPs, sounds like dementia. 

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My own grandmother acts pretty much the same way except that it’s just her now and she yells and screams at anyone that gets in her way (mostly my mom). She lives in Europe and she still manages to cause so much pain to my mom so I can only imagine how it would be if she were here. She also refuses medication and refuses any sort of help. She fixates on certain things. Right now it’s selling her apartment that she’s only been in for less than a year, that my mom renovated for her, because she doesn’t like it, most likely she doesn’t like the neighbours again.

    I’m sorry I have very little advice for you, just wanted you to know you’re not alone. My mom tries to treat her like a child, doesn’t allow her to start the arguments or just ignores them once they start. 

    Post # 7
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    It sounds like awful circumstances, but the decision to send them home isn’t yours…so while you can advise that is the course of action your mother should take, you might have to accept a different scenario as things play out.

    I agree with the PP’s that mention dementia. It also sounds like she is having a very hard time adjusting to her new living situation. If she didn’t used to be like this – there are a great many factors that are probably contributing to her actions.

    I would suggest that you and your Mom just promise each other to be open and honest about things that dear ol’ Grandma says to you – that way you won’t fight about them without knowing whether or not they’re true. You have to have a united front in the face of what’s going on so that you can both support each other as hard decisions have to be made.

    Good luck with everything and I’m really sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It must be so hard on your family – your poor Mom especially. 🙁

    Post # 8
    9674 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    definitely sounds like dementia, she shouldn’t be sent back to her country, dementia is a disease that progressively worsens, she will need a lot of care and support. Yes it may be difficult to deal with, but sending her away isn’t the answer

    Post # 9
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    You can’t send her home.  You need to find a doctor who will give her a full work up and find out what’s wrong.  I know it’s difficult, but she’s likely sick, and you all need to just deal with her.

    Post # 10
    342 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I have to agree it sounds like beginning stages of dementia. We’re going through similar things with my grandmother. She has swore for years that her nephew is stealing from her even though he lives out of state now. She instealled alarms through her whole house and claimed he would watch her and then when she left the room, he’d come in the house and move around her stuff to mess with her. When she found out he moved out of state, she started saying it was demons taking her stuff and that a doctor made demons possess her.

    People with dementia often attach themselves to things that really have no meaning. My grandmother has done this with cookbooks. She keeps them all in trash bags and literally makes my grandfather load them into the car with them anytime they leave the house and she has started sleeping alone in the spare bedroom WITH her bags of cookbooks.

    Has your grandmother always been weird about her food being a certain way or is this a recent thing? Just wondering if her food OCD could be similar to my grandmother’s obsession with her cookbooks.

    My grandmother is also very paranoid that we all think she’s crazy and refuses to come to family gatherings now. She’s been married to my grandfather for 56 years and has become very mean and hostile towards him.

    I would really consider talking to a doctor about her possibly developing dementia.

    Post # 11
    1853 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’m going to go against the grain here and say it sounds liek she’s out of her element, doesn’t feel as independent as she did in her own country, and is lonely.

    My grandmother is insanely lonely and calls all of us all the time, saying this is broken or that is broken, or that she needs this NOW and it’s an emergency, becasue she’s too proud to say she needs someonee to be sitting next to her for a bit.

    She’s in a new country, away from her friends and everything she knows and has only a few people to ask for help. Sounds like she’s trying to take control of what little she can.

    I haven’t been old(edit: that sounds bad i mean I’m not yet elderly), but thinking about being independent and then being told that you need to be “taken care of” and being moved to a new country and feeling like a child again would make me mad and sad and well…lonely.

    I’m not saying what you did was bad. It was a selfless thing you did and you should be commeneded for it. Our elders need to be loved and cared for. You are a true rolemodel for your children, friends, and us as well

    I just don’t think she’s not handlingall the change well and is too proud to tell you in words.

    Post # 13
    553 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    It could be dementia or she could be perfectly fine and this is the way she usually acts but your more privy to the details since she is now living in the same country. It could be the she resents the move and giving up her old life and her bad behaviour is her way of punishing you.

    When my mum and her sisters forced my grandmother to give up her house and move to a smaller one closer to them so they could take her she kicked up a stink. She refused outside home care, her food had to be done a particular way. the house had to be cleaned this way or she would get mad and she would call at all hours of the day to complain. There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with her and I loved her but boy did she drive us all insane.

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