(Closed) Please be completely honest

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Was the proposal a surprise?  If so, perhaps your Fiance picked a small one, figuring you’d like to get one you liked later?  If that isn’t the case, perhaps find a wedding band that you like and once the wedding hits, wear the e-ring as a right hand ring or not at all…

Post # 4
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008 - Ceremony in a historic church, tented lawn reception at a golf and country club

I would be disappointed, but only/more so if I knew my Fiance could afford something better. However, with that said, I’ll ask if you know how much several carats could cost? My younger sister went around bragging about how she wouldn’t settle for less than 2 carats – until I showed her how much that would actually cost. 😉

Sometimes FIs want to surprise us so badly that they don’t ask for input *shakes head*

It’s a delicate subject, and be VERY careful about how you tread.

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think I’d be fairly upset. My Fiance and I were actually engaged for 9 months before I got my ring. I was fairly specific in what I wanted for an engagement ring, no diamond, sapphires, white gold or some type of white metal etc. It took us a long time to find the "perfect" sapphire ring that didn’t look like a birthstone ring.. but he was really considerate and made me find the ring of my dreams.

I know he didn’t like not proposing without a ring.. and he said he almost bought a small one to propose with with intentions of finding the one I wanted after. Could that be the case with you? 

Post # 6
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

honestly, it would depend on the setting to me. i am not the biggest fan of flashy rings or even of diamonds, so i think a nice, pretty ring that happened to have a small diamond in it would still be very nice.

i am not making any assumptions, but i did see your marital status is listed as "maybe never" – is this purely because of the ring? i am sensing there may be some deeper issue here. like or dislike of the ring aside, how do you feel about the engagement itself? how about the reality of spending the rest of your life with this guy? these should be the questions that matter.

now, i understand, though, that the ring – a symbol of your love and commitment and hopefully something you will wear forever – matters, and you really deserve to love it. if you are really sure you want to marry this guy and the ring is the only thing standing in the way, i think you should talk to him. don’t accuse, don’t get too emotional. just explain how much you love him and how much you would love to marry him. then explain how you always had an image/dream of your perfect ring, and that this is not quite it. if he really loves and cares about you, he will hopefully be willing to compromise.

all that being said, if it is purely a money issue – maybe the guy did the best he could – i think you should accept the ring happily. if he has spent as much as he possibly could on you with the intention of marriage and loving you forever, and if you feel the same way, then congratulations! and maybe you can look into "upgrading" your ring once you are both financially able. 

Post # 7
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I would be upset, but then again, for four years before the proposal, I was showing him rings.  It was understood that I would pick the band and together we would choose the diamond.  He then took the ring and proposed when he felt ready (the longest two and a half months of my life).  I think it is important to add that we have had a joint account for many of the four years we have been together.  I think your situation sounds very different from mine.  I felt it was very important that the ring that would be on my finger is one I LOVE, not one he thought I would probably love/like.

Post # 8
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I think that initially I’d be disappointed, but I’d soon start to think about the motivators behind it.  Maybe it was a desire to show commitment without having to ferret money away for years, first?  Maybe he is sensible and budget conscious, and doesn’t see the point of spending so much on a shiny rock, when that money could go into a fantastic dj/venue/honeymoon/house/etc?  Maybe he thinks you wouldn’t approve of something that materialistic?  Maybe he just really picked something that he liked? Or any number of other reasons I can think of.

 I know my fiance wanted to get me a bigger stone, but when we tried some on, they looked silly on my tiny fingers, so I was able to talk him down. My center stone is .75 carats.

 Perhaps you could get him to tell you the story of why he chose that particular ring, and that might give you a window into any of the great reasons he picked it for you.

Post # 9
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

i would be upset if Fiance did not consult me or do some research to figure out what kind of e-ring i would like but i also know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t do something like that without a good reason.  he knows that i’m very picky!  you can ask him "what made you choose this ring?"  maybe it’s a family heirloom?  or he thought that he would buy you a smaller ring and save the money for a kickass wedding/honeymoon/first home?  perhaps he has an upgrade in mind for later.  whatever it is, i would gently ask and find out if there is a good reason that he chose the ring before i dismissed it as a disappointment.

Post # 12
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Don’t marry him. Not because he bought you a tiny ring, but because there is obviously some underlying issue that you aren’t sharing with us (which is ok.) Nobody should buy you a big ring to make up for something. Good luck though. I hope you are happy in the end.

Post # 13
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

The ring is absolutely important, and I definitely see why you’d feel that way, but it sounds like he has his mind made up (though the idea of adding to the ring is a good one!)

I guess if you consider the issue to be a lost battle, so to speak, and you’re willing to move past it, then focus on the reason you said yes! and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

And make sure the wedding bands are really great? 

PS.  I agree w/ KateMW, I was just trying to be subtle.  😉 

Post # 14
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If we’re being totally honest, it sounds like you two have MUCH bigger problems than the size of a diamond.

Post # 15
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Don’t go through with this.

You guys have stuff that’s much deeper. Give him back the ring. It sounds like there’s not a lot of nurturing going on and if this relationship is worth it to you, then you need to seek professional help to guide you through.

This should be an exhilerating time for you, not one of major doubt and embarrassment. just know that you have the support of the hive! 

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