(Closed) Please don't flame me – Was I snubbed?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@QueenOfSerendip:  take the $500 and be happy, and if any one has any sense you will never know how much the check is for the other siblings wedding.

Post # 63
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

My grandparents were very wealthy, and they doled their money out as they pleased and they were very rigid about their values. When they died, upset with all of us, they left all of their money to charity even though we were close. They just didn’t think much of some of my choices, even though they loved me and I loved them. That’s the way it goes. It was their money, and I suggest you never ever bring this up to anyone in the family. My grandma never let it go when my step mother told her how much she wanted certain material items. My grandmother was still shaking her head at “that woman” ten years later. Just try to build a real relationship with them, based on mutual values. They might not approve of everything, but I bet they would really appreciate the effort. 

 

Post # 64
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@QueenOfSerendip:  IT seems odd that they’d give you only $500 but hey, maybe they’re not doing as well as you think. 

Post # 65
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

@FauxPas2012:  +10000000

 

$150-200 per person as a gift like so many here expect blows my mind! Guess it really must be those Midwestern values. 

Post # 66
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

QueenOfSerendip: You don’t sound ungrateful and you are definitely overthinking.  Who knows why they gave you less money.  Maybe they are uber traditional and decided to give less for the out of town wedding, maybe they play favorites with their grandchildren, maybe they recently lost money that’s being kept secret from the rest of the family.  Point is, there are too many possibilities which are moot because the gift has been received.  I understand why you feel upset, it’s what the money symbolizes and not the money itself.  But now is the time to act appreciative and be graceful on the outside no matter how you’re feeling on the inside.  Don’t ask about your BIL’s gift later on, don’t tell how much you received as a gift, and hopefully your husband’s Mother-In-Law and whoever else will move on too. 

Post # 67
Member
11479 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

There is absolutley nothing positive that can be gained from any amount of speculation about this. Your DH’s grandparents gave you a generous and gracious gift, and you should accept it at face value and send them a note of heartfelt thanks. If your DH’s parents want to continue to speculate or say something to the grandparents, that is entirely up to them.

Whatever amount the grandparents choose to give to your DH’s brother and his wife really needs to be irrelevent, because, even if you discover what the other couple received, it’s not as if you could then use this information to confront the grandparents and demand a larger gift or to inquire as to why you received less. I think your only positive choice is to let it go.

Post # 68
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

@FLBlonde93:  All very good points. 

Post # 69
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is a road you don’t want to go down.  Their definition of a lot of money might be different from yours.  Don’t ask them, don’t ask your Brother-In-Law when he gets married how much he gets.  Nothing good can come out of it. 

Post # 70
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Are you positive a ‘very very generous gift’ equals $2500?  

We were in a similar situation and got a wedding gift from FFIL’s old boss.  FFIL asked us how much the check was for and we told him ($500).  FI & I thought it was very generous, but Future Father-In-Law thought we had been snubbed because he thought FI’s brother received more at his wedding 2 years ago.  FI’s brother had told Future Father-In-Law he received a ‘very very generous’ gift. It turns out he received the same exact amount.  So we weren’t really snubbed.  FFIL just had a different idea of what ‘very very generous’ was!

Even if you were given less, that does stink that you were snubbed.  But it sounds like there isn’t much you can do about it!

Post # 71
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@QueenOfSerendip:  Don’t read into it. I don’t think you’re being snubbed. $500 is very generous gift. Not many people get gifts that big from anyone. I actually think it’s very inappropriate for your husband and his parents to be upset by that. Guests aren’t even obligated to give gifts at all. 

Please don’t ask your Brother-In-Law what they received. Not only is it totally inappropriate, it’s entirely irrelevant. So what if he got more? He might be closer to the grandparents. Also, you’re living in an apartment at their house, presumably at a far discounted rental rate. They may think they are already doing you and your husband a big favor. Not to mention that nothing ruins relationships more than money. Asking your Brother-In-Law may only get your relationship with your new Brother-In-Law off on the wrong foot…and the more that you talk about it, the more likely it is that your concerns may get back to your fiance’s grandparents. What if they were told by your Brother-In-Law or another family member that you were hoping for or expecting more money (I know that’s not what you’re doing–but the message may get distorted along the gossip line like a kids game of telephone). How would that impact your relationship with them? You’d definitely be on the wrong foot then. 

On top of that–just because his grandparents have money, doesn’t mean their obligated to spend it on anyone but themselves. They aren’t. I would actually be upset if my fiance’s grandmother gave us more than $100. She has a lot of money–but it’s hers. She needs it. I didn’t even want to cash the $30 check she sent me for my birthday this year. 

Accept the money gracefully and move on with your life together. Don’t worry about what they do for your Brother-In-Law. It’s their money. Their call. 

Post # 72
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@QueenOfSerendip:  Families with lots of money can be really manipulative. Yes, be grateful but I’ve seen so many families who use money to express feelings.  Sorry you have to deal with that awkward-ness. Hope it just turns out the state of the economy hurt them or something like that.

Post # 73
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Ok well I guess I come from a very different family/upbringing from some bees on here.  I totally get how you are feeling.  I have an uncle who will gift my 7 year old cousin $100 for his birthday and my sister and I get a text on our birthday.  It isn’t about the money, it is about the clear favoratism, honestly at this point in my life I would be happy for a card or even a phone call.  And also my grandparents are not nearly as wealthy as your DH’s but I got $2500 and a car for my granduation, I’m sur I will get in the same ballpark for the wedding because my grandma has told me that.  In my family we talk about money, my parents know about my sisters and my finances we know about their’s and the same with my granparents.  It may be weird but it is how we work.  I personally think you are being snubbed for the type of wedding you had.  Would I say anything about? No. Would I be a little upset and vent to a group of women online? Probably.  So my advice be upset for the rest of today then go cash your check and move on.  Be thankfull for the people who didn’t “snub” you and continue on with your relationship with them like nothing has changed.

Post # 74
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Their wedding gifts (assuming they usually are higher) may be intended to both cover their plates and help offset wedding costs, which they may see as unneccessary since they did not attend the overseas wedding.

I doubt it was an intentional snub, but you can’t do much about it if it was.  Just be gracious and encourage your husband to do the same.

 

Post # 75
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I get where you are coming from. My mothers parents gave us $500 for our wedding and I know they are not very well off so I thought it was EXTREMELY generous of them. 

My grandfather on my father’s side who, like your grandparents, is a millionaire a few times over gave us $6,000. This was totally standard and pretty expected from him, and still EXTREMELELY generous!

Had he given us $500 I would wonder what I had done wrong, because I KNOW my grandfather (he gives every member in the family $6,500 for Christmas and birthdays, and that now includes DH) 

I would probably wonder what was up to. 

Post # 76
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 1993

@Maljvinka:  having expectations of a certain gift or amount of money to be given is crass in western culture

 

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