Post # 1
Ok, long story short:
About 6 years ago, my then b/f of 2 years proposed to me. We were engaged, planning the wedding, the whole 9 yards.
Then, about 3 months later, he died in a motorcycle accident.
Now, I’ve met the first man since then that I can say I truly love. Things have gotten serious enough where he has been talking about how he’d like to settle down soon, he says he’s had dreams about us having a house together (he’s cheesy like that lol) and that he’s never felt this deeply about someone before (despite having had a failed engagement to someone else in the past).
He has subtly brought up marriage with me in the past month but despite my feelings for him, I close up and cut the conversation short. I believe this is directly because of the tragedy with my first fiancee. He has said that he thinks after 6 months a confident man just “knows” if the woman he is with is the right one…and so I think my constant resistance has been the only reason he has avoided proposing to me. Truthfully, I dread the thought of the moment he might pop the question. He knows my whole backstory and that’s probably why he’s been gently testing the waters first.
I feel guilty and angry at myself for letting my emotions about the past prevent him from proposing to me. How can I get over this? Seriously, it’s been years since the accident and I need to move on with my life. I can’t run from commitment forever, and this guy is too awesome to get his heart broken by my idiocy. Anyone been through anything similar? Am I being unreasonable or weird? Would talking to him be good or bad?
Post # 3
Doe he know what happened between you and your previous FI? I think if you explained the situation and told him you needed more time he would understand.
Post # 4
First, I’m so sorry for your loss of your late Fiance. That’s an awful thing to have to go through, and I can’t even begin to relate and know how you feel. With that said, have you ever seen a counselor to help you work through your feelings of grief? Talking to someone can help you try to see past your late FI’s death and be able to move on with your life with your current Fiance.
Post # 5
I think you need to completely honest with him, especially since he has been hinting and “testing the waters” before he proposes. If you stay silent he might interpret that as you wanting him to continue. Tell him you either need more time or if you don’t think you ever want to marry him, tell him. It may hurt his feelings but better that than let him think he has a chance.
Post # 6
@MrsMcGyro: Yes, in my post I state he knows my whole backstory.
Post # 7
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine losing a fiance. My first boyfriend (we dated for 3 years or so) passed away unexpectedly while I was in high school. I was devastated, but thankfully lucky enough to have incredibly supportive parents and friends to lean on. I still think of my first love, less frequently, but often. And I’ve of course done a lot of growing up since his death.
Even now though, eight years later, I find myself irrationally worrying about my fiance’s safety. I know what the pain of losing feels like, and I’d do pretty much anything to avoid feeling that way– both physically and emotionally– ever again. So I think I understand a bit of what you’re talking about, with worrying about him proposing and about commitment in general. I’m sorry, I may be rambling a bit, my point was just that I’m so sorry for your loss but at the same time happy for you for finding a wonderful man who loves you so much!
I know you mentioned he knew your back story. Do you two talk about it frequently/ as frequently as it’s on your mind? I know that, even though my fiance knows about what happened to my high school boyfriend, it helps me a lot that he’s unbelievably patient and kind whenever I want to re-hash it/ talk about him and/or the time in my life right after losing him again. Even if he’s heard it dozens of times, I feel better talking things out, so when my loss is on my mind it ends up being a part of our conversation. Talking about it and just time in general have really helped me, if that helps at all.
Post # 8
I am so sorry you had to deal with the loss of a fiance ((HUGS))
I am trying to understand what your hang up is. Is it that you are scared something similar might happen to him once he proposes? Or that you still can’t get over the other guy?
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2011 - A church in downtown Nashville
First off, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It really scars the heart and I feel for you so much.
How amazing is it that you found another guy that you love and who loves you and wants to share his life with you!! I’m so glad that you were able to fall in love again and find someone, truly.
I’m obviously not a professional so I don’t know if this will work but if the two of you know you are committed to each other and want to spend your life together and it’s just your past that has a hold on you, would it help to sort of slowly start planning a wedding together? No time limit, just dipping your toe back in the process? Even if there isn’t an engagement.
If he knows about how hard this is for you, I feel like he might be understanding about an unusual way to get hitched (he may even be for it, since he himself had a failed engagement). Maybe what might work is mixing up the timeline for you, to create a new experience rather than repeating something that hurt you in the past.
Post # 10
@IrisLaRue: IM SO SORRY about your loss and I would just ask 2 question of you…. Do you love him and Do you want to be his wife…. If you can answers those questions, then it will be ok.
I will tell you a quick story without taking over your post. The 1st time I kissed a boy (which was a big deal being that I am a tomboy) I was 9 years old. We were friends and I felt like if I had to kiss someone (cause all my friends were doing it) that it would be him that I would kiss. So that Friday after school we kissed, and that was the last time I ever saw him alive…. He died 2 weeks from pneumonia and chicken poxs. I remember running home in tears and thinking I was the reason he was gone. I remember my Mom talkng to my teacher and then my teacher must have told his Mom because she came to the school to talk to me about it and assured me that it was not my fault at all. After all that I was still scared to even go near a boy and it took me a long time after that to trust and kiss someone.
There are things in life we can not understand or explain but I know the pain and fear you feel is not uncommon BUT think about what you want and take it from there…..
Post # 11
Everyone has given me some very good, comforting advice. Thank you! It’s nice to hear from people who have had a loss as well.
Taking some of that advice, I talked with my Boyfriend or Best Friend last night on how I feel about commitment, our relationship, and the future. It went very well and I was reminded of why I love him so much. He said he had a better perspective of how I felt about us and he said we’d take the next step “all in good time”, but that he was sure he wanted me to be a key part of his future. It was good to get this off my chest and it’s like we’ve been refreshed a bit.
Post # 12
i have serious goosebumps reading your post – i am so sorry about your previous engagement and i cant imagine how hard that has to be.
I know the thought of engagement is terrifying to you but do you feel the same way about this man? do you see a future with him? if so, why not skip engagement all together and start talking elopment or marriage? if you both are striving towards the same goal and that is to be married there doesnt necessarliy have to be an engagement period. BUT i will say i also believe in facing your fears – you both deserve to be happy and have that happy engagement that you both failed to have the first time around. What better way to celebrate new love than to do it for the first time together?
Good Luck! i ll be thinking about you, i cannot imagine how difficult it is.
Post # 13
@IrisLaRue: Glad you got it off your chest
Post # 14
you need to seek help for this. thats the only way you will be able to move on. Dont shut him out. He wants this life with you and you owe it to yourself to move on and be happy. Do this for you!
Post # 15
@IrisLaRue: That’s great that you two had a refreshing talk. I think it would also be extremely helpful to you personally to get counseling, even if it is just one or two sessions, to help reaffirm your own thoughts and feelings on the subject. I’m so sorry you went through such a sad time in your life, and I hope that with the right counselor they can help you talk through your grief and give you the tools you need to move on…so that when your boyfriend does propose, you will be that much more at ease and know how to handle that moment and afterwards. Good luck to you and many blessings!