(Closed) Please Give me Advice

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i would try everything before considering breaking up. is it that he doesn’t care about pleasing you, he doesn’t know how or that he can’t hold out?

i was in a relationship with bad sex and honestly, it was a symptom of other problems in our relationship. just think- this is the rest of your life…

 

Post # 4
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t think sex is a deal breaker, it’s something that if discussed openly can be worked on so everyone is happy.

That said, if you just don’t click sexually and you’ve tried to talk about it and nothing changes, then that can be a deal breaker for some people… But only you will know if it is for you.

Post # 6
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

hmm. well, it seems like something that would eventually turn into a power struggle. i would start to refuse him because what’s the point of going to all the effort if i’m not enjoying myself at least some of the time? this is a toughie.

Post # 7
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Probably counseling would be a good first step here.  It could very well be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship, or it could be that he’s not paying attention to your requests and needs a 3rd party to explain it to him.  A counselor could probably give you two some ways to work on improving your sexual relationship.

Post # 8
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

You don’t want to start feeling resentful every time you have sex, or start withholding in order to make your point.  That can just cause more issues.  I’m usually not one to suggest counseling as the answer-all but seeings as how you’ve already tried talking to him about it, it sounds like counseling might be a good idea.  Do you think your guy would be open to it? 

 

Post # 9
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I would try to work on it. No one is perfect and since you said everything else is great about him, it might be worth the work. Does his “selfishness” spill over into other areas of the relationship?

Post # 10
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Like PP, I think going to counseling would be a good idea.  Since you have addressed this on your own with limited results, having someone else help you and Fiance communicate with each other is a great idea, especially if you’re not looking to break anything off.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I would try everything before thinking of breaking up. Gotta be honest, my So doesn’t exactly do it for me in the bedroom but I know he tries and that means something.

Is it that he can’t? Won’t? Or maybe doesn’t realise how it makes you feel?

I think you really need to sit down and talk to him – it is clearly an issue for you and so needs to be addressed.

Post # 12
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MadameTussaud:  I agree with this for the most part.  In addition, I think women sometimes aren’t ‘selfish’ enough to meet their own needs and then end up blaming their SOs.  So if he’s being ‘selfish’ you can dig out a toy and be ‘selfish’ yourself.  I think women also feel uncomfortable directly asking for what they want.  I know the OP has asked and then gotten limited results, but sometimes you *do* need to ask *every* *time*.  Some men just don’t get that a request means you want that particular whatever every time.

Post # 13
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe try getting on top and taking control a bit more? If you haven’t tried that, its worth a shot.

Are you certain that he is awesome in every other way? Like some others suggested, if he is being selfish in bed is he really giving and considerate in the rest of your relationship?

When he does this, how do you handle it? I’m curious because I’m thinking about times that’s happened to me and I immediately was like, “Are you kidding me with that??” and generally that fixed the problem.

I wonder if he just feels like he has you so he doesn’t have to make an effort for you. If that is his mindset you probably should seriously consider the counseling route even if it doesn’t help him (due to unwillingness) it should help you to realize what you want, etc. Its tough to imagine a guy who is truly kind to his partner and only self serving in the bedroom.

 

 

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