(Closed) Please give me encouragement and advice to break it off with my fiance

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

this sounds like it could be a grass is greener on the other side type thing. if you dont think the man you are with will make you happy forever. and have thought this for along time (before you met the guy that gets you) the you are most likely right. however if these feelings sparked when you met this other guy i think you more have a crush. if you want to know for sure when you end it. you will stay away from both men. if you look for support in the new guy then its truely like a slap in the face to your ex. there is no way you can break up with him without breaking his heart. however if you do, do it. then i wouldnt keep him hanging on for hope like i have seen many women do. i hope this all works out for u!! and hope you are happy!!

Post # 4
Member
8888 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but if you BOTH love each other with all your hearts then you should do your best to make it work. The other issues, while very important, can be worked on with compromise and possibly councilling.  But if you are in love with each other as you say you are, then why give up on that?

Post # 6
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

The only advice I can give you is perspective from my own situation, which was similiar to yours:

I was dating a guy seriously for 3 years and we got along, had a great time together, talked about everything… but something was off. I questioned constantly if he was ” the one”, even though we had already talked marriage, engagement time frame, lived together and picked out future kids names!

During the end of the relationship ( I wasn’t sure it was the end at the time, but now I know), I met a guy that I really clicked with. We will call him John. John and I talked a lot, we hung out and we seemed to ” click”. I could see myself with John, and it became a burden on my then current relationship. I wanted to talk to John more than X and I wanted X to be more like John. I wrestled with this for months, to the point that it became obvious to friends and family. I made my mind up to be with X, and to forget that this new guy even existed. Unfortunately, I still felt that ping in my stomach, and I knew that there was still something off with my current relationship, even though on paper, we were supposed to be blissfully happy.

I realized one day there as long as I was with X, there would always be a “John” out there. I would always feel like I was selling myself ( and him) a tad bit short and always running back to my go to list of: X is nice, X is funny, X loves me, etc..

I was a bit of a chicken shit and was scared to break up with him, even though I knew it needed to be done. I drug it out and honestly, that was unnecessary. I was emotionally unavailable to him those last few months, and HE is the one who ended up cheating and eventually ending things.

My advice would be to do BOTH of you a favor and calmly and civily talk. Just because he is good and right doesn’t mean he is good and right for you. It is going to hurt and suck really, really bad. You’re going to miss him and his family. Your going to miss having someone there with you to the day-to-day things, and your new apartment will smell like new paint and everything will seem bleak for a while BUT, you will move on and meet “John” who makes you forget about what else is out there.

sorry this is so long and maybe it doesn’t help or resonate with you at all– but it has been my experience that once you’ve reached that point, giving someone a few weeks to ” try it one more time” usually results it really hurt feelings and makes things end badly.

Post # 9
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If your decision is to leave, you need to do it ASAP. You might both love each other but you’re not doing him any favors sticking around when you’re just looking for the opportune moment to leave.

 

Sometimes there is love but you’re not in love. Just remember, if it isn’t him, it doesn’t matter if you have been together 2 months or 2 years. Try as hard as you can to make it work and if it still isn’t working, don’t settle. Don’t marry him out of guilt and don’t commit yourself to an unhappy future if you already know how it is going to happen.

 

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Mrs_Amanda:  Totally been there and done that and agree with everything you said.

 

 

@Ms. Cutie Pie:  I think that you need to get out. I dated a guy who I thought might be “the one” but I had my “john” too. With my FI, I’ve never felt like there could be a “John” out there. Even the guys who were “John” in the past stay out of my mind and I feel no attraction to them anymore.

I think that you need to be honest with your SO. It will hurt and be very hard, but tell him that you can’t be with him because you can’t give him your 100%, and honestly, that’s the truth.

Post # 13
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

@Ms. Cutie Pie:  I know- it’s super tough to come to terms with your relationship ” failing” , especially when it looks like it can be fixed. Communication problems? No problem, some counseling can fix that! But when you wake up every day and list the pros and cons, you constantly wonder if you’re right and you are only staying because they’re a good person… You’re not doing yourself ( or him) any favors. After X and I broke up– I was in a weird headspace and John and I continued talking, but nothing ever came of it and I didn’t date anyone for over a year. I realized I needed to just be me for a while and after 15 months of chill time- I met someone and it just clicked. X is ( for all I know) in a really happy relationship and I  am only regretful of the fact that I drug it out. 

Post # 14
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Ms. Cutie Pie:   It isn’t going to be easy to break up.  But this is your life we’re talking about!  It’s important, vitally, to get it right when it comes to marriage.  (Not that I did in the past, but that’s another story – and I want to save you the same pain of that mistake). 

You know in your heart you need to get out of this engagement and move on.  It doesn’t make you a bad person to feel mismatched to the man you’re currently with.  It doesn’t make him a bad person, either.  He’s just not the right one for you.

You know your real love is waiting out there and when it’s really right it won’t be so difficult every day.  It will flow the way it’s supposed to flow.

You deserve true happiness and you deserve peace and love.  You don’t have to marry someone out of obligation.

I know this will be an extremely difficult and painful process, no doubt.  But deep inside yourself you’ll also feel a sense of relief that will tell you you’ve made the right decision.

((HUGS))

Post # 15
Member
11239 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@takemyhand:  I think that you need to get out. I dated a guy who I thought might be “the one” but I had my “john” too. With my FI, I’ve never felt like there could be a “John” out there. Even the guys who were “John” in the past stay out of my mind and I feel no attraction to them anymore.

Agreed! I’ve been there, although the relationship that I was in wasn’t a good one, there was an “X” and there was a “John.” I actually ended up with “John” because when we met, I said to myself, “I’m going to marry him.”

@Sunfire:  Agreed 100%.

What you need to do, OP, is get your ducks in a row. Giving it another 1-2 of hard work isn’t going to help anything. Get a plan together on how you’re going to leave, where you’ll stay, when you’ll have your stuff out, etc. Knowing what you’re going to do is going to make it easier on the both of you, and will give you something to adhere to as you’re trying to leave/convince yourself that you should just stay. Breaking up and moving out is really hard, and can get overwhelming to the point of, “I should just stay because I don’t know what to do.”

Post # 16
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Mrs_Amanda:  Awesome story.

OP- It sounds like if you stay there will always be a John out there. That’s not how it should be, you should be with a man who ends all thoughts about being with someone else. That’s not fair to you or to your FI. Breaking up IS hard, but getting a divorce will be way harder, don’t do that to yourself. Will it be hard? Absolutely it will, but anything worth doing always is. Good luck to you, I’m sorry things didn’t work out how you wanted, but I hope you see it is because there is something bigger and better for you out there!

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