Please gut-check me !

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I also don’t see any issue. You’ve had a conversation. He’s let you know it will happen within the year. He’s given you zero reason to think he won’t follow through. That means your issue is your own mind and your antsiness (which you’ve acknowledged may be an issue because of your past and your anxiety). So you need to find something else to do with your focus and energy. With everything going on right now, it’s hard not to be fixated on THIS. SPECIFIC. THING. and not worry it to death, but you are in charge of your mind and your actions and you can find other things to do to focus on in the interim.

Separately, if you don’t like the idea of being surprised (I think surprise engagement experiences are good for some people and a terrible idea for others), then let him know that you don’t feel the need to be completely surprised and you’d like to be more involved in the process where possible (maybe helping to pick the ring). I would say, though, that if you are someone who tends to worry an issue to death until you’ve driven yourself and everyone around you into frustrated annoyance, this may be a good time for you to practice letting go of control for a while.

Last thing- excitement and anxiety/worry can feel like the same sensation in our bodies so maybe you can allow yourself to feel your excitement of this time (which encourages you to savor it) rather than anxiety (which makes us feel that we need to find an action to take to address it).

Post # 19
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

You could very well write him a message stating your ring size – maybe even include a couple ring pictures so he knows what style you like – and that you’d like him to ask your father’s permission (I would personally skip that part, as you’re a grown woman and it is 2021, but to each their own. If it is important to you, let him know).

Post # 20
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Relax! If you trust the man to marry, trust that he can figure out your ring size. There are tons of ways for a smart man to do that without you knowing.

Post # 21
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2022

Also re: asking your dad – I told my fiancé that I wanted him to TELL my dad, not ask. So he did that! He talked to my dad and mom a week before he proposed. If it’s important to you, tell him! Chances are, he will probably welcome some direction. 

Post # 22
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Girl, slow your roll!  We’re 2 weeks into the one year timeline that YOU set. 

He said it would be much sooner than a year.  If you have no reason for distrust then give him some time to do his thing.  If he hasn’t proposed by mid year then maybe revisit the topic just as a check in. 

Post # 24
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

I just feel like a man will be direct with his intentions. You shouldn’t have had to asked. Maybe hes not much of a communicator, so you had to dig his intentions out of him… then why the vague response? Sometimes ppl are on different pages or need more time, so if you trust him with his true intentions then let it just happen. Now he already has a forced deadline that you need to make sure he commits to. Good luck and be patient OP

Post # 25
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like you’re good, bee! Sounds like things are moving in the right direction 🙂 

Post # 26
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@honestjar456:  Oh the dreaded waiting period. I’ve been there! It sounds like you’ve been communicating well and that he is going to propose this year. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Knowing you want to marry someone and the act of proposing are 2 very different things. It’s great you have a timeline and are on the same page, but the both of you deserve some credit for figuring out you want to be married. That is a big deal, and something to celebrate. Also remember you only get to be his girlfriend for a short while. You’ll look back on these days when you’re older. Enjoy it! 🙂 

I was a HOT MESS while waiting on my fiance to propose. He had also told me “It’ll be before the end of this year” and “sooner rather than later”. He told me this in January. He proposed 8 months later in September. He was waiting on his birthday, which is the day he proposed! 

 

My best advice on how to deal with the anxiety: 

Ask yourself, has he always followed through on the things he says he will do? If so, nothing to worry about. Remind yourself of this. 

If the waiting starts to wear on you, it’s completely ok to talk about your feelings with him as much as you need to, however many times. Lots of people will tell you not to talk about it too much. There’s some truth to that, but your feelings are matter and as your husband he will need to be there for you emotionally. Surprises are nice, but your emotional well being is important too. I don’t think men understand how it feels on the other end. Reassurance helps.  

Now is the time you get to sit back and enjoy the relationship while he has to stress over all the proposal details. He only gets one shot at this and wants to make it right. You can relish in that fact 🙂 

 

Post # 27
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

My fiancé and I decided we’d propose sometime in 2019.  He wanted me to propose to him so we each formulated a plan. He thought I’d do it on NYD but I waited until March 17th.  He told me later he planned to do it in June if I hadn’t yet.  Instead he proposed back to me that next week in March. 

We had a year window by mutual agreement.  If this isn’t okay with you.  You’ll have to have about her conversation.  From what you’ve relayed so far it seems he’ll come through. 

Post # 28
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@honestjar456:  

Like everyone else, I don’t think your situation throws up any red flags, and it sounds as if you on track.

However, I’m going to take a slight detour and strongly suggest that you examine the anxiety you are feeling. It’s all very well to say “distract yourself,” but in my experience, that rarely works with anxiety.

Anxiety is an intensified form of fear. It is our nervous system’s warning system trying to alert us to danger. It is nearly always a result of poor treatment or trauma we have experienced in the past, and our alarm system is trying to make sure we don’t go through that again.

Sometimes it’s accurate, and sometimes it sets off false alarms. You need to examine your relationship and try to decide logically and rationally whether there is a real cause for concern or whether your alarm system is simply setting off flags because of a fear of getting hurt which has nothing to do with your boyfriend. Once you have worked that out, it becomes much easier to deal with your anxiety, and either talk to yourself to calm yourself down, or have a discussion with your boyfriend if you have legitimate concerns. Ignoring the anxiety altogether rarely works because it is a real fear.

Good luck, and try to enjoy your relationship and not rush too much in the meantime. 

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