(Closed) Please help = [

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Does he not want to go to counseling? Seems like if you’re both open to it, that’s a good first step.

Do you have other ways of feeling close, like cuddling? Do you have regular date times? Is your communication still going well, or does he shut down totally (or do you, in frustration)?

Post # 5
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am an active member, but I registered with a new id to answer this question. The reason being Mr. Luna and I have the same problem.  When we first started dating, we were at it like rabbits, but after a few months it had cut down to almost nothing. Now we are intimate maybe once every couple months, IF I’m lucky.

I tried everything, sexy clothing, sexy text messages, suggestive flirting. It got to the point where I told him we had to find a resolution to this because otherwise I didn’t see us getting married. I want a husband, not a roommate.

Now, here’s the reason I registered under another ID. It’s because I’m going to reveal a health problem Mr. Luna has that might be something you should look into.  I did some research and asked Mr. Luna to be tested for low testesterone.  Turns out that is our problem.  He now wears a patch to raise his testesterone. We haven’t seen results from it yet. The doctor might have to adjust the strength.

I just thought I would share this just in case it might be something that will help. It is not something men like to talk about. I am lucky Mr. Luna was willing to have it checked and was willing to talk about it.

 

Post # 6
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Does he know that you’re hurting enough to be posting about this on the internet, that you feel lost and don’t know what to do?

He needs to understand that this IS a problem, because you have (emotional) needs that are not being met. Either your expectations or his response needs to change, or else you’re not on the same page. Not being on the same page = a problem!

I think right now I would focus on helping him understand how deeply this affects you – once he’s able to accept that it IS a problem, it sounds like he’s very open to counseling, which is GREAT!

Post # 9
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Get the book “The Sex-Starved Wife: What to do when he’s lost desire” by Michele Weiner Davis. We had a similar problem, and that book helped me tremendously. It will help you know that you’re not alone and give you strategies for resolving this, because even though he doesn’t think it is a problem, it is. You know it, and I suspect he probably does too. It’s just no man wants to admit that his sex life is a problem.

Counselling is great, but you might want to check into health issues. If he’s on any medications, check to see what the side effects are for them. Some medications can lower a person’s sex drive.

In the mean time, don’t feel like you’re alone. I know exactly how you feel, because I felt the same way. Low sex-drive in men is rarely talked about, but it is a problem in a lot of marriages. And it does make a woman doubt her sexuality, her attractiveness. Of course you want him to want you.  And if he isn’t interested in sex, we women tend to take responsibility for that, but we cannot beat ourselves up emotionally. It is not your fault.

Post # 10
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@beebee12: If he honestly thinks it’s not a problem, then he doesn’t understand/know. Not the way he should, anyway.

This is something we’ve struggled with too, understanding the extent to which something affects each other – if it “isn’t a problem” for one person, and it is a problem for the other person, it should be a problem for both of you! That way you can fight the problem together, instead of fighting each other.

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There is no reason he couldn’t use the patch for LT. It isn’t a steroid. It brings a man’s testesterone level up to a normal level. It isn’t anything his body doesn’t naturally produce, and it is something his body actually needs. LT can actually cause a man to lose bone mass making him more prone to broken bones. If he won’t be tested because of the sex, maybe he will go if he knows he could be losing bone mass and muscle mass because of it.

The test was a simple blood test in the morning because that’s when men have the highest levels of testesterone in their bodies.

Yes, I will let you know if it helps. His doctor wants him on 2.5 mg until he’s tested again sometime in January. I think he will be bumped up to 5 mg because there does not seem to be much of a change yet.

 

Post # 14
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Loribeth:  I read that book. It’s very good.  That’s how I found out low testesterone could be the problem.

Post # 15
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@beebee12:  haha, it’s hard for a man to admit his anything is a problem!

Good luck, I know it is easier said than done :/

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