Post # 1
I have been trying to be patient and not push the issue…even joining the “shut-it-up pact.” But, I cannot take it!! I am getting more and more depressed and resentful towards SO because of the wait and the “non-rush” to get married. And by “rush”…I mean NINE years, THREE weeks and ONE day! So, I would say that’s hardly a “rush.” I have wanted to marry SO for YEARS, but I have been patient. Now, with all my friends getting married (one tomorrow)…it is smacking me in the face at every turn! I see wedding/engagement ads EVERYWHERE; I hear about proposals all the time; and I have been having craaaazy wedding/engagement dreams for weeks! I love SO more than anything else. He is a good man and I know I should be happy where we are. But I want it all. Does that make me selfish? I want to marry my best friend. I want to have his last name. And I want to make babies with him. We talk about it…and it’s always “soon” according to him. But “soon” to him could be another few years. And I honestly think I will go insane if I have to wait another year.
What should I do now to help me in this horrible “waiting” period? I don’t want to nag him, but I feel like that is all I am doing. I can’t help it. Weddings/engagements are all around us. Even when I try not to think about it, something brings it or babies or future up and BAM! There it is again! 🙁
Post # 3
When was the last time you two discussed it? Do you have a timeline in place?
Post # 4
@mepayne: Tonight! 🙁 It started out as a “what would you do with kids” conversation and somehow turned into his friend asking him today if I was “the one,” which of course turned into marriage and waiting. But tonight was probably not a good night because I am exhausted from all day traveling and then we were at dinner and I had a pretty strong margarita….and so I’m sure you know how that turned out. We ended up just fighting. 🙁
We have talked about possibly trying for kids in June 2014, and we both feel it’s important to be married before we have kids. But I can’t wait any longer… 🙁
Post # 5
Could he possibly be waiting due to financial issues? 9 years is a long time…plenty of time to get that in order, so that is why I ask. Also, have you brought up that being engaged doesn’t necessarily mean MARRIED IMMEDIATELY? Perhaps a 2 year engagement? Or 1.5 years and children after?
Post # 6
TTCing in 2014 and being married before is a start! You need to discuss calmly and rationally how long you would like to be engaged before you’re married and how long you’d like to be married before you TTC and… boom, you have a timeline!
Post # 7
Communication is the key. Calmly sit down and discuss what you want and need. That being a timeline. Having one will clear up any confusion and give you a little peace of mind, knowing that it will happen. 9 years is a lonnnng time. You don’t want to waste any more time waiting if IT isn’t going to happen, or won’t happen any time soon. Good luck!
Post # 8
@katlovesjames: +1 I agree..Just explain that it is doing your head in….I actually had this chat with my SO last night.
He explained that there are finacial things that need to be taken care of and that he wants everything to be perfect……..So I still have to wait, but I know it’s coming.
Post # 9
Wow i would never have waited NINE YEARS! I mean… Wow!
I would basically level with him like this: I want to get married. If this is not important to you need to know NOW because I’m not waiting around for you anymore. if we don’t want the same things in life, I’d rather just end it now and find someone else to marry. Ps I’m moving out.
i had this convo with a couple of exes (except for the moving out thing since I was not living with them). I have an 18-24 mth rule – if the relationship was not going anywhere I left. The last two boyfriends asked me to marry them after I left but I knew that they were just doing it because they didn’t want to lose me, not because they really really wanted to get married and I don’t want to marry someone who needs to be pushed into marrying me. My current fiancé asked after 12 mths and I knew it felt right because he never needed to be pushed (besides the fact that we have a good relationship but I had good relationships with my exes as well).
Sorry but I think every girl deserves to be with a man who loves her SO much he just can’t wait to marry her. That’s just my opinion.
If you are going to stay and wait around, at least don’t nag him. Tell him clearly once that this is your bottom line – then put a little bit of distance. Remind him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS (with actions not words) that you are still a single woman. Get involved in lots of activities without him. Make plans without consulting him first and don’t invite him. Get all beyonce on his ***. Don’t be mean about it of course. Just act like it’s totally normal.
Post # 10
I feel stalkerish for looking at your other posts for info but I see that you’re 29 and have been living together for 7 years? Unless he or you just got out of school of have been paying down considerable debt, there is no real reason to be feeling “rushed” after 9 years.
Has he given a reason? Or, you know him best, what is your gut telling you as to why he’s not ready? Does he not want to spend the money? Does he not want to go through the hassle of planning? Does he not think marriage is important?
Where you go from here would be a lot better to try to help give advice with a bit more information
Post # 11
My heart breaks for you.
9 years.. That is bull. There is no reason that he shouldn’t of taken the next step.
My stance on most waiting times is be patient, and wait for him to be ready.. But this is a joke.
Post # 12
I was with my now husband for nearly 10 years before he asked me to marry him, so I do feel your pain and understand that it’s not as simple as an ultimatum after that long (I presume you’ve been with him for so long because you love him, so breaking up that relationship just because you aren’t engaged/married isn’t really an option). If, like us, you two got together quite young, the ticking biological clock has been less of an issue and there hadn’t been as much pressure of other people getting marrie until later on in our relationship.
The fact that he wants children with you in a couple of years shows to me that he is committed to this relationship, and sees a long-term, married future with you. 2014 isn’t far away really and before you know it, you’ll be engaged and a wife. My view? He’s a guy and he’s being stubborn – he doesn’t like to admit that he’s been lazy about it so he’s having a sulk! Chin up and as much as you can, try to enjoy the anticipation. I reckon the proposal won’t be far off (only two months left of 2012, after all!)
Post # 13
@cupcake920: poor thing, 9 years, yikes. I know it’s hard to sit down and calmly talk about the future and such. when i try with my SO, it’s always, don’t pressurte me, or not right now. thats hard when you can’t even bring it up without him going on the defense.
It doubly sucks you’ve got friends that are engaged/married etc. thankfully, we onlt went to 3 weddings last year lol. i think it got him resenting weddings which wasn’t my plan lol. but, maybe come up with the opro’s/cons of engagements /weddings. you know how to manage your guy I’m sure. every one is different & has to be spoken to differently.
Also, WHY THE WAIT…..lol thats what i want to scream at my guy…..lol
Post # 14
I think guys just say “soon” in order to pacify girls – what does “soon” mean???
He should be just as excited to marry you as you are to marry him. If he was, you’d be married. Guys go after what they want when they want it.
Post # 15
draw a line in the sand in your own mind.. one year, 6 months whatever works for you. if he hasn’t proposed by then, leave. you don’t deserve to waste your time. if you leave and doesn’t immediately try to gain you back (and i mean IMMEDIATELY) he’s not the right one and was never going to propose.
Post # 16
I promise it will help, even if only a little bit.
I bookmarked it, and I read it when I’m feeling like you’re feeling right now.
I hope it helps!
Best of luck,