(Closed) PLEASE help bees, I'm so confused

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
82 posts
Worker bee

@soontobemrsm11:  Three things to take — 

1. Take a deep breath.  

2. Take your time. and go around some stores to try on rings.  Don’t feel pressured to pick one right away.  The right ring will come to you naturally.

3. Take a time out.  I would also avoid any more drama on this, at least in front of your SO.  And absolutely do not change your mind on the next ring you design.  It appears extremely fickle, which is not a favorable trait in someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.  

Best of luck. 

Post # 5
7 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

PP skijumps has given you some excellent advice, I agree with her completely. 

I just thought I’d chime in as well, because I went through similar situation when choosing my engagement ring.  I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and I worked with a jeweler to make my custom design.  (Basically, I wanted a version of one of that jeweler’s rings with a much larger center stone).  Unfortunately, after I had already begun the custom ordering process, I realized/decided that I didn’t really like my custom design.  The change in size of the center stone changed the whole feel of the ring; it was much less delicate and dainty than I wanted.  Also, I realized that the setting I had designed was a bit too ornate for my taste, since I had not really considered how it would look paired with a wedding band.

I came to the realization that my custom ring was not for me while looking at another ring in a jewelery store.  (My continuing to look at rings after having ordered one may have been a sign that I was not 100% confidant in my design…)  I fell in love with a split shank solitaire, much simpler and more traditional than my custom design.  Although I did not end up with that ring I fell in love with, it made me realize and prioritize what I was looking for in a ring, and also admit to myself that I was not happy with my custom design.

I contacted the jeweler, who did offer me several other choices of rings, but ultimately I decided I would be more comfortable with a ring I could try on in person before buying.  The jeweler was able to refund some of my money, less labor fees and shipping fees (for the stones they obtained on my behalf).  It was a significant monetary loss, unfortunately, but I do not regret my decision.

After canceling my custom order, I made a list of my ring “requirements,” and scoured the internet to find a ring that fit those requirements.  I found a store that carried that ring, made a trip to try it on, and decided it was the one for me.  I am completely happy with the ring I ended up choosing; I do not have any of the doubts I had with the custom ring. I still love looking at pictures of rings online, but I’ve not felt the need to try any other rings on.  Also, when I look at pictures of rings, although I admire their beauty and the lovely sentiments behind them, I am still 100% sure I chose the right ring for me.  It’s a very different feeling than I had with the custom ring.

My finace was very understanding about the whole process (although he did tease me a little bit about my indecisiveness, and request that I not take too long in deciding on a ring).  I do strongly agree with skijump’s third point, though: take some time to decide, but try and make sure it will be your final choice.  Not just so you don’t appear fickle, but because it seemed to be distressing for my fiance that I changed my mind about such an important symbol (after already spending so much time deciding on it, no less).

I know you said you are worried about finding a ring you like at another jeweler, but I do think it is important for you to look at (and try on… what you like on your hand can be very different) other rings to figure out what you want.  A list really helped me figure out what I wanted and not just fall in love with every pretty ring.  I hope your talk with the jeweler goes well, I know it was really hard for me to tell the jeweler I was going elsewhere, and all of our discussions were through email.  I’m sorry I don’t have any concrete advice for you, but I hope hearing a similar story was helpful, please let me know if you want to know anything else. 

Post # 6
4651 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

do you have any pictures of the ring?

i think that’s a good indication that if your gut tells you that you don’t like the ring, not to sweep it under the rug. it’s just too bad that you didn’t stop the process before completion.

so sorry you’ve had to go through with that and hope that you find the ring of your dreams.

Post # 9
7 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m glad to help ๐Ÿ™‚

I think your plan of being honest about your ongoing misgivings and directly asking about a refund is a good one.  It is hard to go wrong with honesty.  With my jeweler, I sent an email that read: “Thanks so much for the pictures, and everything.  I don’t really know how to say this, but here goes: I am having seriously cold feet, I don’t think this is the ring that I want.  I am not sure what exactly I do want right now, but it may be a lot closer to a conventional prong-set solitaire than I ever would have thought I wanted.  I feel miserable, you’ve been SO helpful, and I love your work, but… I’m just wracked with indecision, and I don’t think that is a good sign.  I’m so, so sorry… I feel quite terrible for doing this to you.”  The jeweler was very kind, and said I could have a full credit toward anther ring from her shop, or a setting from Stuller.com.  I think a lot of jewlers have access to the Stuller settings, so that could be an option that you have/could ask about.

Regarding the refund, I asked in my next email, “May I ask what the total fees you would charge me will be in the event of a refund?”  I chose a refund, and paid $710 in labor and shipping fees (the ring’s wax mold was pretty much completed, and they had 4 diamonds around 3/4 carat shipped in for me to decide from).  THe fees were quite a bit more than I had hoped, and, although I don’t regret changing my mind and ending up with my dream ring, I AM embarrassed at what my indecision cost.

I’m so glad that your SO is being great ๐Ÿ™‚  Everything is better with a supportive SO!  It sounds like you have a few good options; that is great for peace of mind that you know the jeweler has a “back-up” ring that you like.  If I were you, I would not jump into deciding on another ring right away, but I would take pictures of rings you like (the other one from that jeweler, the one from Scott Kay, and anything else you really love) on YOUR HAND and try to figure out what their common features are.  Make a list of those features and don’t settle for a ring without them.  I decided I wanted a ring that was delicate, solitaire, 6 or 8 prong, low-set, with engraved details, that would have a small gap with a straight wedding band, with a shank that either tapered or flared toward the stone.  The only point I ended up compromising on was the low setting I wanted (and I actually love my ring just as it is, medium-height setting and all).  But, as you can see, my list was super-specific about the features that I wanted, and it helped me avoid a few rings I that I loved, but that I might not love as my “forever ring.”  There are a million pretty rings, and they can’t all be mine ๐Ÿ˜‰

Another thing that really helped me figure out what I wanted in a ring was trying on rings with wedding bands and taking pictures.  It can be easy to forget you will be wearing a wedding band next to the ring someday, when you’re caught up in the excitement of ring shopping.  (This, of course, only applies if you are heartset on wearing your engagement ring and wedding band together most of the time, as I am.)  I found the look of a wedding band REALLY changes the look of an engagement ring, and the looks I prefer in a solo ring are NOT what I prefer in my engagement ring.  I love my ring to pieces, but in all honesty it looks the tiniest bit “naked” without a band next to it, and that is just how I wanted it.  I will be wearing this ring solo for only another handful of months, but I will be wearing it next to a wedding band for the rest of my life!

I’m sorry your custom ring didn’t turn out as you’d hoped (it sounds like your problem really stems from that, rather than simple indecision).  Thank you for posting the picture… it is a pretty ring, but I would not be happy with it if it were my engagement ring.  The sides do seem bulky with that extra space, and I prefer more delicate halos… The whole ring seems like it should be more delicate, to me.  (Although I do have a bias for delicate rings!)  I am also someone who is bothered by little irregularities like your non-matching diamond shapes in the head, and the handcarving aspect was one hesitation among many concerning my custom ring.

Anyways, do not give up hope!  Your perfect ring is out there, and I believe you will find it ๐Ÿ™‚  I hope your talk with the jeweler goes smoothly!

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