(Closed) Please Help – Bridal Shower/Renewal Of Vows Proper Etiquette

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That’s a tough one.  I’d say etiquette-wise, you are a married woman now and it would be improper to have a bridal shower.  That being said, if your family has offered to throw a shower for you, and you want a shower, then go for it.  If people don’t agree with it they don’t have to attend. 

Post # 5
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you had to change your plans like that. I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting to renew your vows in a church. But it’s not a wedding, and I don’t think you should call it that. I am a little confused about the shower though – when you say that you want to have a shower so you wouldn’t be out the money, does that mean you are expecting cash gifts? 

To be very blunt, having a shower when you are already married will come off as gift grabby to many people. It really sucks that you didn’t get one the first time around, but a shower isn’t something you are entitled to, and I think you should just let it go. Or at the very least, just have something small with the people who do feel like you should have a shower (i.e. your mom and bridesmaids).  

 

EDIT: The difference between a delayed honeymoon and a shower after the wedding is that honeymoons don’t involve asking people for money. I think etiquette-wise your husband’s family is right. 

Post # 8
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Casa Real at Ruby Hill Winery

Aw, honey! No, I don’t think it’s wrong for you to have those things at all! I think having a civil ceremony before the wedding is very common in the military and I am doing the same thing. I don’t see anything wrong with it. We are not even telling most people that we will be married already. I know there are threads about this on the military boards too. I think you should keep your plans and have your special day the way YOU want it – it’s your day and don’t let others tell you otherwise. I can’t believe people aren’t being supportive, especially given your tough circumtances. I really feel for you. I hope it works out and you get your dream day, sounds like you deserve it.

Post # 10
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You are civilly married, but a marriage in a church is a separate event. I wouldn’t even call it vows renewal, I would call it the spiritual wedding, or something of that sort.

My best friends got married legally about 9 months before their wedding. We still had a shower and did all of the fun stuff. I’m not sur why this is such a hard concept to grasp.

Post # 12
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Casa Real at Ruby Hill Winery

I totally agree with monitajb! My family is from Europe, and there, people do 2 weddings – civil ceremony and religious ceremony. That’s partly why we are doing the civil ceremony first! I like the idea of having the legal wedding be just us and our parents, and then having the “religious” ceremony in front of all of our friends and family. I’ve only told my closest friends, and everyone has been so supportive. I’m really surprised and sorry that your FI’s family doesn’t get that. I think it’s more than fair for you to get to feel like a bride!

Post # 13
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Despite what the etiquette says, if I were invited as a guest to a shower for someone in your situation, I honestly would not care that you already had a civil ceremony. It would be different if you already had a shower or if you were not doing the other ceremony. Things don’t always go as planned and I see no reason why that means that you shouldn’t have one.

That being said, with so many of the guests seeming to have a problem with it, is there a way to do things differently so they won’t be offended? How long have you been in your new place? Could you approach this party as more of a housewarming party?

Post # 15
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Thats a tough one. I agree with JenniB. Etiquette-wise you’re a married woman, and having a “bridal shower” would be improper doesn’t matter who has it for you, it would just look like “the bride”  trying to get gifts to the guest. Now going on a honeymoon is different. Couples delay them all the time & go on them a couple months after, but they don’t have a shower months after they’re married. Now theres nothing wrong with wanting to renew your vows – i don’t think you should say wedding though, since you are already married. In the end its your day & you can do whatever you want. Whoever doesn’t agree doesn’t have to come.

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