Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
Hi Bees! So to keep it short, i am of Asian culture and it’s very important to invite your entire family plus extended family plus your grandparents friends, so on and so forth. This is considered respect, especially since I’m the eldest and only daughter of my parents, only granddaughter of my mothers parents. We want/NEED a big wedding. My fiancé is American. His family prefers and small wedding and is uncomfortable around crowds, but they are fine with anything as long as that is what we truly want. They are under the impression that I am being pressured to lengthen my guest list and am telling me that this isnt what I want but what my family wants.
We have discussed this just a bit as I am newly engaged, but came to the conclusion that MY parents will be paying for the wedding. HIS parents are paying for the honeymoon and dinber rehearsal.
What would YOU do in my situation? Press on for a big wedding to honor my family or stray from them and have a small wedding elsewhere (this could result in my family being looked down upon in the Asian community)?
PS: In the beginning of it all, I also wanted a small intimate wedding. It wasn’t until I realized how important and crucial it was to my family that I understood why a big wedding was needed. I’m neutral on the whole situation. It’s just I’m going to disappoint my family or my fiancé…
BTW: My grandparents have been going to a lot of weddings lately so in turn, all those people would attend my wedding. My moms reasoning behind all this besides the whole respect thing is the MONEY. She says I will recieve at least $500 a couple and we would be looking at a 400+ guest list. Their point is that money will pay off the wedding and then have some left over. My moms wedding was about 300 people for $20,000. They made it all back with the money that was given and then had some left over for a down payment on a house. So there’s that…
Post # 2
Member
8120 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Both sides sound like they are pressuring you. I think you need to take the time to decide what you and your FI want.
If you do decide on the small wedding then I think that you need to pay for your own wedding.
Post # 3
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
Emotionalrose: take some time to think about what is really important to you. I ended up being glad that we had a large wedding in the end. You only get family together for two things, wedding and funerals. I ended up meeting many family members that I now can’t wait to see again.
If you have a smaller wedding, prepare to pay for it yourself. If you decide you want a bigger one, make it clear to your fiance’s parents that these are your wishes and not your parents.
Post # 4
Member
3606 posts
Sugar bee
It’s really what you want but I know how you feel because my FI is also Asian and has a big family but I won’t be inviting everyone because of the cost and my fiancé and I are paying for it. If your family is paying for it I say why not. I know how much family means in the Asian culture. Obviously your family means a lot to you or you wouldn’t be in this situation. If it’s something you don’t mind just explain that to your FI family. I wouldn’t stress to much about it because in the end you will have a good time and they will to. If intimate is really what you want though then let your family know. Have you talked to your parents about this?
Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
I understand your situation, it’s a tough one to be in. I think you should think about what you and your other half want, and go with that, but be prepared you may have family member grumblings. I’m not Asian but aware of the importance of lots of family being invited and the upset it may cause. saying that however, it is YOURS and your OHs day. Is there a way you could chat to your parents and find out how they would feel about a smaller wedding?
Post # 6
Member
5 posts
Newbee
@j_jaye yeah, it does seem like pressure from both sides. I honestly just want to make everyone happy as silly and maybe pathetic as that sounds. I know everyone says this is MY day, but with all that’s going on, I’d be happy just knowing that everyone is happy.
@bourkelton my family is very important to me. And you make a very good point! My mom said she wanted a small wedding too but she was glad she had the larger wedding. It’s better to have seen long lost cousins rather than to regret not inviting them, you know? Thank you so much your advice. 🙂
@vanessa1359 @geh it is a sticky situation isn’t it?! Hahah, these darn Asians! I kid! 🙂 I do love my family so dearly, but I also don’t want to neglect the wishes of my future family either. The ratio of Asians to whites will be 6:1. That’s really intimidating and I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. But then again we are also all family now. I have talked to my parents several times. They understand where I come from, but with my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandmother still alive, they require additional guest lists. EXAMPLE: There was a situation where my grandparents forgot to invite some friends to my uncles wedding. One day the friend saw my grandma at the store and started cussing her out because that’s the level of disrespect from not inviting her to the wedding. I do not wish that on my grandparents or parents at all…
Post # 7
Member
3606 posts
Sugar bee
Oh wow that is just crazy. Maybe a very low key intimate wedding works. Maybe they will understand it wasn’t so big and that it wasn’t just them but many people who were not invited. I hope it works out for yo. Keep us posted with what you decide.
Post # 8
Member
3606 posts
Sugar bee
Also remember that in the end you can’t make everyone happy. Just make sure you are happy with your decision. This situation is not a win win situation so someone will either be mad or upset or feel uncomfortable. Like all the bee’s said take your time and really think about it. Talk to your family and see what sort of compromise can be made so that maybe they can both get what they want.
I honestly didn’t want to invite my extended family because I don’t know them to well. I actually get very uncomfortable when i am around them. My mom wants them to be there though so she said she would pay for them if I invited them. Its a small compromise but what can you do right?
Post # 9
Member
3308 posts
Sugar bee
Emotionalrose:
If you want a small wedding, then that is what you should have. Do not let yourself be held hostage by cultural expectations. Pay for your own wedding so that your parents cannot use money to control your wedding.
My family tried to force me to have a big wedding too. I am the only daughter in my immediate family and my mother is a very status conscious and materialistic woman. She wanted my wedding to be a big spectacle so that people would think she was rich. My husband and I are a private couple and we didn’t want a big wedding. We eloped to get away from Momzilla since discussions with her went nowhere. It taught my mother to stay the fuck out of our business.
It is very sweet that you want to make your family happy, but what about your fiance’s feelings? You will not have a joyous marriage if you habitually put your family of origin above your partner. He is your family too now. There must be a compromise that will include your fiance’s wishes as well. Maybe you can have less guests at the wedding than you originally planned. When you say that you want to make “everybody” happy, that should also include the man you are going to marry.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by amiona.
Post # 10
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
I think you should have the big wedding and I say this as someone who eloped because I didn’t want a large wedding. If your fIs family is uncomfortable with it, could you do an intimite ceremony before hand with just a few friends and close family? I’ve been to weddings where the couple was in the same situation and they did a small Christian ceremony and then a large Chinese ceremony and banquet. What does your fi think? Does he agree with his family? That would make this situation a bit more complicated, because it’s his day also, if he is ok with the big wedding, I think you two need to talk with his parents. Maybe explain the financial aspect?
Post # 11
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
I’ve been to ~500$/couple (and ~1000$+ from close relatives) weddings. If you can pay for your wedding AND have enough for a house downpayment, why would you turn that down? Have you explained to your FI the amount of money involved?
Other people can tell you to follow your heart and do what you want on your special day, but making your family happy and gettting a fat cheque sound great to me.
Post # 12
Member
7815 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I’m Asian too. FI and I both want a small wedding, so that’s what we’re going to have. My cousins who live in Asia have all had huge weddings, but I would rather save my money for a down payment for a house. Both my parents respect our decision, especially since they married in a city hall. I agree with figuring what out what size of wedding YOU want.
Post # 13
Member
3308 posts
Sugar bee
craigslistgirl:
My mom tried to use the money from relatives argument to force me to have a big wedding.
I told her that I wasn’t getting married to raise money from others.
If controlling parents are permitted to make a wedding all about them, they will also try to meddle in the couple’s marriage.
Post # 14
Member
7815 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
amiona: Disclaimer: I had a VERY long, sleep-depriving shift at work so may be misinterpreting what you’re saying. To clarify, I meant that we are having a small wedding because we are paying for it ourselves and want to keep our own savings intact for a down payment. I agree that it’s dangerous allowing your parents or other family dictate how you plan your wedding and your life together.
Emotionalrose: It’s a little risky and presumptuous to expect people to give big to you at your wedding though I know a lot of cultures just view things that way. To appease the various families and create peace of mind for yourself, maybe you could have a large Chinese banquet and a separate smaller Western reception. Still, though, I still think you should stand up for what YOU and your FI want.
Post # 15
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
If your family is paying for the wedding, they should have a say on what kind of wedding they’d like to pay for.
if your fiancé’s family is not paying for the wedding, then they should keep their opinions about what kind of wedding you or your parents should be paying for to themselves.
if you and your fiance decide you want a small wedding, and your family is dead set on a large wedding, then you and your fiancé should pay for your small wedding.
it’s so simple -> pay=say.
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