Post # 1
My Fiance and I are in the planning stages of our wedding / she’s finishing the annulment process from her previous marriage and we look forward to getting married next summer. The ceremony will be small, family, but it’s what we want.
My question is what to do about her son. I love him to death, but she wants him to be a part of the Vows. I am strongly against this, but at the same time I want to do something for him during the ceremony. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks – Groom to be in crisis mode!
Post # 3
What exactly do you mean by “part of the vows”?
Post # 4
What does she want him to do and why are you against it?
Post # 5
Same question as posters above. I know my sister was recently at a wedding where the bride (a single mom) stood with her young daughter by her side while saying the vows with her fiance. My sister says that it was very nice and touching as her daughter was so important to her.
Post # 6
I can understand why you would want your vows to be between the two of you, although her son is part of the package, you are not married to her son. Will this be another catholic wedding? I doubt a priest will allow a 3rd person to participate int he vows anyway (umm polygamy?)
Is there a way you can incorporate her son in some other way? He can present the rings as a symbol of bringing the two of you together? Can he be included in a special prayer? Maybe a sand ceremony (3 of you pour colored sand into a container that you can keep) of lighting of a unity candle (3 candles light a larger one).
Post # 7
tallbride – you hit the nail on the head, my feeling is that the vows are between the two of us. He is very important to her, and me, however at the end of the day it’s just us.
Yes it’s going to be her second catholic wedding.
She wants the three of us to hold hands while we say the vows.
Post # 8
Rtheriot, you might want to ask your priest how he recommends including your step-son in the ceremony. Some parishes may allow the three of you to hold hands during the vows, and some may not.
Could you suggest to your fiancee that her son hold the rings during the blessing, instead? He would still be up at the altar with you, he can even stand right next to her and hand both of you the rings for the ring ceremony, but he’s not actually a part of the vows.
Post # 9
I second that perhaps he could stand next to her while only you and she hold hands. The vows are between the two of you—in the Catholic tradition, it’s the couple itself that makes the marriage, not the priest. I also agree it would be a bit odd to have three people holding hands when the marriage vow of necessity only encompasses two people.
Also, you didn’t mention how old the son is, but he may not be into holding hands with you all during the vows either, but he may be uncomfortable saying so when his mother is so gung-ho for it. Or he may be too young to know the real meaning of it. Either way, if the goal is to have the son feel more included in the marriage/ceremony, I think there are better ways to accomplish it. I liked TallBride’s suggestions for a sand ceremony, unity candle, or a special prayer. You could add in some lines in your prayers for the people that are specific about the son.
Post # 10
I would definitely check with your priest but if you’re doing a Catholic wedding I would try to stick to tradition. There is something very special about doing the same wedding vows as all the other Catholics before you. Not sure how you could incorporate her son, but if he is old enough he can definitely play a part in the unity candle.
Post # 11
I also wanted to do somthing for my boys during the wedding. I acutally saw on tv one time a wedding where the bride and groom gave their children jewelry as a gift during the mass and I’m thinking about using that idea. They won’t be included in the vows, but they’ll have a special part in the wedding.
Just and idea:)
Post # 12
I agree with previous posters, if you feel strongly about keeping the vows for just the two of you, perhaps you can research some alternative ways of including her son as a compromise. The unity candle, sand ceremony, and presenting a gift to the son all sound like nice options, but you should probably discuss them with your priest too to find out what the parish will and will not allow.
Post # 13
dont sweat it, priests tend to be very strict about tradition, I doubt they will let her child participate, I tried to incorporate some of our filipino traditions in our catholic ceremony, some they will others they wont. a kid in the vows that is highly untraditional
Post # 14
how old is the son? not that it makes much of a difference but is he young and will just do it because his mom tells him to, is he a little older and wants to be included, or, is he a teen who might be embarressed at the attention? I think this might be helpful in finding a way to compromise:
if he is younger and basically being told his role — i would argue its not really FAIR to him to be part of vows that at that age he may not grasp the importance
if he is a little older and wants to be include — maybe find another way in involve him, i like the idea of the sand ceremony – its a nice way of bringing a family together
if he is older and not really “into it” — maybe find a way to include him in an age appropriate way. Perhaps he could do a special reading? Or the prayer intentions?
Post # 15
You definitely need to talk to your fiance. She needs to understand why you feel the way you do and then come to an agreement. Marital vows are reserved for the two lives, becoming one in union with GOD. While I understand the importance of her son playing a role in the wedding, doing so during the vows is not the right place for this to occur.
Maybe her son can…
1) Be a ring bearer, if he is young enough
2) Walk her down the aisle, along side her father
3) Present the rings, if he is to old to just be the ring bearer
4) Be the altar server to help in the ceremony/mass
On a side note, the lighting of the unity candle, should also be reserved for only you and your finance. The single flame represents the binding of the two souls, so having a third would not make sense.
May GOD help guide your decisions… GOD BLESS
P.S. – If all else fails, talk to the Priest
Post # 16
You know I saw a great web site with ideas about how to use the Sand Ceremony to include your fiance son. http://www.weddinglighthouse.com/index.php?p=1_12_Blended-Families I loved the idea of covering the child in their love from the note section of the page. Best of everything. 🙂