Post # 1
I have been reading weddingbee for about 6 months now. The support and wisdom of the bees is wonderful! I was hoping to get some advice.
My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and at some point we would both like to get married to each other. However, in the back of my mind there is always this “fear” or “mistrust” that he isn’t being 100% honest. He is a corporate lawyer and I am pursuing my Ph.D in social policy. The problem is that we rarely get to see each other and in the 1 year we have been dating — I have NEVER slept over or actually hung out at his place. I’d seen his previous place but he has moved since then. He is now looking at new apartments and has taken me along to see a few.
So what particular incident has caused me to reach out to you? Well, I did something I promised myself I would never do. I don’t have access to his gmail, but I do know his password to his work email address. I checked it! (I am still resenting myself for it!) Specifcally, an email from a superior asked him to stop by and he responded “in 15 minutes.” The problem is he should have been on a plane en route to another country. He supposedly called me from the airport telling me he was about to board.
The weird part is — why would he lie about being at work? I know he WORKS all the time. So knowing how crazy the female mind works, I have since jumped to many conclusions — maybe he’s meeting with someone else after he’s done?
Even weirder is I don’t get why he has never invited me to sleep over?
Should I listen to my gut? Should I be furious?
Thank you again ladies for any advice or insight you may have to offer.
Post # 3
I dont know if I can offer much advise but Im sorry for your situation. Are you sure the email was from after he told you he was boarding and not from earlier in the day? Id definitely talk to him about it. Its up to you if you want to let him know what you did or not, but I would discuss your feelings with him and find out why he has never asked you to spend the night. I know hes in the process of moving but maybe try to hang out more after he moves. Does he spend the night at your place ever? You should talk to him about it, its not fair to either of you to be talking about getting married if you dont trust him or something is going on. Good luck!!!
Post # 4
I know this isn’t want you want to hear, BUT this sounds very suspicious! Are you sure that he always at WORK? If he has no reason to lie to you, claiming to be at an airport when you have proof that he isn’t is NOT ok.
As adults, I find it really odd that you’ve never hung out at his place. I could understand not sleeping over, but never even hanging out for a few hours?
While he may not be seeing someone else, he is obviously lying to you and doesn’t sound as committed to you as you are to him.
Get to the bottom of this ASAP!
By The Way – Way to go on your Ph.D. in Social Policy – that’s what I want to pursue next! 🙂
Post # 5
I was waiting for more people to respond before I decided what to wrote, but I’m a woman who definitely follows her gut and instincts – that’s why we have them, right? I think it definitely sounds fishy, especially since you’ve never been to his place after an entire year – but as far as the email goes, you need ot ask him about that. Is it possible that the time difference was off or something?
Please talk to him before making your mind up about what to do – communication is what I consider to be the most important aspect in a relationship.
Post # 6
Well I have to say that while it’s bad to snoop you found something. It all sounds really fish. And I’d be hella concerned. In one year if you’re that serious about each other you definitely should have stayed over it just sounds off to me but have you asked ro stay over? What’s he say? If you don’t trust each other you have no business talking the M word. Work out the details first. I’d ‘come by’ his office to leave him something only to ‘discover’ he’s there. U sure his boss wasn’t on the trip too?
Post # 7
Thank you all for the quick responses!
To answer some of your questions – I have asked to sleep over and everytime something comes up on his end or his mother is staying over (she lives in a different state but visists a lot and stays for weeks). However, with the move he has promised that it will be different. Rarely, we hang out at my place. Most of the time, he prefers going out for dinner, seeing a movie, etc, and dropping my home. Every 3-day holiday weekend, we go away to a different city.
I’m pretty sure his boss wasn’t on the trip. It’s a big law firm and that particular person isn’t on the same deal. I can’t necessarily “drop by” his office as some have suggested because it’s heavily guarded and for me to go in he would have to come get me.
What kills me is that I am a smart, intelligent and successful woman. Yet, love is driving me crazy! I told him I loved him about 8 months in and he responded “I can say it back but I wouldn’t mean it. Can I take my time?”
I’m not interesting in getting married anytime soon. I still have a few years before I finish my ph.d. I just love him so much and when I think of his smile and hear his voice, everything wrong just seems to melt away.
Post # 8
Gosh, its too suspicious to me! Have you met his mother or does he tell you that she comes all the time? It kind of sounds like he might already have said his I dos. Sorry my mind goes to the worst possible scenario.
Post # 9
Awww I know how you feel. Sometimes your heart takes over and your brain turns into mush! I think you have the right to be suspicious! After dating for a year, you should at least spend some nights at his place or yours! It just doesn’t sound right… something is fishy. Sounds like you guys are still in the “just dating” category, and not the “committed to each other” category. Have you talked about your relationship in terms of committment and monogamy?
Post # 10
bamboo — no worries! My mind goes to the same scenario!
I tried to meet his mother – he said he wasn’t ready!
We discussed the whole committment/monogamy thing. I am all for communication and tend to follow it even when things get uncomfortable. He just tends to insert lies into some of the things. He keeps telling me his is committed to me.
Post # 11
I would break into his apartment… haha j/k , kinda, no really kidding. My first inclination is he is living with someone else… who that may be I do not know. ALWAYS trust your instincts. They’re there for a reason and as much as it may hurt to find out something bad now… it would be so much worse to find out later when things are more serious.
Post # 12
You gut is probably right. That sounds too weird and you should call him on it.
Post # 13
Wow, excuses aren’t cool. I’d have serious doubts too.
I think the bottom line is, if you feel comfortable, talk to him about it. Otherwise, your gut is telling you the right thing! Sorry to be a downer but after reading your posts, I didn’t feel any better about it. I would ask one question though: were all the other timestamps on the emails correct–like did they ever say odd hours? The time might be messed up.
Good luck and best wishes!
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
Even if the time stamps are wrong (and this happens all the time on emails when I travel), you still have a man who (a) won’t let you see where he lives and (b) gives you enough doubt to make you, in your own words, “crazy.” It isn’t love that’s driving you crazy, it’s his behavior. I speak from experience.
True love is peaceful, patient, inclusive; easy & simple. When a man gives you all the security you need, there is no need to do anything obsessive or have any of these types of worries.
When I met someone who truly knew what it was to share a life with someone (my FH), the difference was enormous and I still marvel at it. Your instincts are right. Don’t listen to what he says about commitment. Actions are louder than words.
Post # 15
Mitla – that is such good advice. Thank you! I really appreciate it.
and thank you to everyone else as well!
Post # 16
His “mother” comes over and stays for weeks. Um, no. I’m really sorry, but this guy is not being honest with you and you deserve honesty. A friend of mine dated a man for four years and didn’t know he was married and had an additional girlfriend (she was the second other woman!) because he always had an excuse for why she couldn’t come over and see his place. She now insists on seeing a boyfriend’s apartment after the first date. Four years and she even moved to a different country for him – obviously he was very good at juggling three relationships and keeping his lies consistent.