(Closed) Please Help :( Engagement blues

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, but it appears to me he isn’t ready/doesn’t want to be engaged.  He’s using money you think should be allocated to you and the relationship and he uses his money for items he is interested in.

A wedding with this guy my not be in the cards.  If he is more important to you then marriage, stick with him.  But if marriage is your goal, you may have to end it and move on.

Post # 3
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Man why do you want to marry this guy? To be blunt it doesnt sound like he feels the same way at all. I mean he has a ring just sitting there and its excuses excuses. And shaming you for buying a damn coat? There are too many fish in the sea to settle for that!

Post # 4
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

Screw the proposal itself, he doesn’t sound like a good candidate for marriage, period. He criticizes you and your choices and seems not to care about your needs, emotional or physical. Good for you for being critical of this situation. He clearly doesn’t want to propose, and you’re better off not marrying him. I say cut this off now.

Post # 5
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think it seems you are being super pushy about the wedding & proposal. I personally wouldn’t wanna know when I was being proposed to. Maybe he actually wants to surprise you? Now, it is wrong as far as him telling you how to spend your money, while he is being irresponsible. I would have a heart to heart and ask him frankly, do you want to marry me? If so, he needs to be more responsible with money. He may love you, but may not be ready to be married yet. 2.5 years is not an extremely long time. But if you feel like you want to get engaged now, then give him that deadline & see what happens.

Post # 6
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It does seem from outside perspective blatantly obvious that he’s just going along with promising you things to appease you but all his actions and in fact also many words voice a totally different story that he doesn’t want this, he’s not ready.

I feel that even if you got what you want from him now your relationship is poisoned with hurt and bitterness and it doesn’t sound like it’s necessarily worth trying to save it (which basically would involve you chilling the way f**k back). 

I think it’s time to move on…

Post # 7
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - Our Backyard

You need to reassess the situation and decide if you’d rather be with him or be married. Trust me, being married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be if it’s with the wrong person. I had some sort of crazy timeline in my head that I had to be married by the time I was 30. I got married at 29 to the wrong person. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a perfectly lovely person but not right for me. Anyway, I was so shortsighted about having a wedding and just “being married” that I lost sight of who I really was and who I really wanted to be and be with. We divorced after almost 8 years of marriage. Now I’m with a lovely person and,  more importantly, the right person for me . We have been together over three years and a proposal is eminent but he was pushed into a proposal by his ex-wife so he does not want to be pressured this time. We have the ring, we’ve had it for five months. I understand how impatient you can feel because I feel that too. But, I love him and if it means waiting another year or two to get engaged/married I’m totally fine with that.  Trust me, you do not want to push him into doing anything he’s not ready to do or he will end up resenting you. Just because he’s not ready to get married next year doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I adore my boyfriend but sometimes I even get scared about marrying him. It has nothing to do with not loving him or not wanting to be with him, it’s just that having one failed marriage under my belt makes the whole thing a little bit scarier. Maybe he feels that way too. Good luck 

Post # 8
Member
9805 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He isn’t ready to be married. Don’t force someone to marry you if they aren’t ready. I know that your timeline is important to you but that doesn’t mean you get to just railroad over his timeline. He’s showing you he isn’t ready to be married, even if he hasn’t come out and said it.

Overall, it sounds like this relationship is probably not going to work out just due to a huge difference in timelines and expectations.

Post # 9
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he is not ready to get married and you really want to get married.  Moving to NYC to be with you is a big commitment, but it sounds like he wants to have fun for a while longer.  And I do think living together first before marriage is ideal in that you see if you really are a good fit together and are really happy together.  Can you just date for a bit and see how things go?  Just enjoy being together and surviving together and see if you truly want to spend your lives together?  I was with my hubby for 4-4.5 years before we got engaged and we lived together and I think him seeing that I loved being with him and enjoyed our life together as it was with no pressure to get married was what made him want to marry me.  Not all guys are ready to marry when you’re ready, but he will be if he is happy in his life with you. Don’t push the marriage and ring thing too much. You seem to be talking about the ring and wedding A LOT.  But I agree he shouldn’t be yelling at you about a new coat when he’s spending money on toys for himself.

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

You probably already know in your heart that he isn’t ready for an engagement or marriage. And that sucks. Although he should absolutely tell you directly that he’s not ready, he’s definitely showing you by his actions.

My friend was in a similar situation. She had this timeline in her head that she wanted to stick to, so she started planning a wedding without an actual proposal. Ended up giving her boyfriend her grandmother’s ring so he could propose. He never actually did propose…she just started wearing the ring. A couple of months before the wedding he called it off and walked out.

I’m sure it’s painful to think about, but it sounds like you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Ask him how he’s feeling, what he wants, what you want, etc. It might end with a breakup, but then you’ll know and can either push forward with him or move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.

Post # 11
Hostess
8478 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

gracie553 :  Sorry sweetie but it sounds like if you allow him he will continue making excuses forever. If he really wanted to propose he would propose to you on a week day at home with his Gradma’s ring.

Post # 12
Member
945 posts
Busy bee

Girl, you said “I feel that he is being very manipulative.”, but it sounds to me that YOU are being manipulative too! If he won’t marry you on your timeline, you will leave him? That sounds like an ultimatum to me. He’s made it extremely clear that he’s upset that you’re forcing him to push the wedding forward when he’s not ready, he has given so many hints that he doesn’t want to do this, and yet you’re trying to solve everything “e.g: just use my grandma’s ring!” when he can definitely afford a whole ring by himself now. 

Some men just take longer to commit, some don’t like commitment at all. This marriage is not just about you. It’s about BOTH OF YOU. Both of you need a serious, honest discussion right now without playing manipulative games and hurting each other.

Post # 13
Member
5923 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s okay for him to buy Kanye West tickets and gaming equipment- but he shames you for buying a new coat or a dress?! Sweetie, you do realize that he’s extremely unlikely to change this kind of shit if you marry him? I wouldn’t advise you to marry a man like this at all- but at the very least, stop putting your own money toward a wedding he’s done nothing to contribute toward it and is giving you excuses re the proposal. 

Post # 15
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It sounds like he isn’t ready to get married, and you are trying hard to force a proposal. Don’t you want to be proposed to by a guy who eagerly wants to marry you??

He he the ring, and you have put down money for the wedding. Sorry love, but I think if he wanted to get engaged he would’ve done it by now!

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