Post # 1
I was married at an amazing 100prsn wedding a couple of years ago, the marriage went down in flames fast (found out that he was living a supersecret double-life, so I had to bounce). Now I’ve reconnected romantically w a 20-yr-long friend and we’re getting married. It’s his first wedding & his family wants a big wedding (they’re paying). It’s a big cultural fusion event and many on my side are excited about it. I don’t want to be wrong to him/his fam/his guests, but I also don’t want to be rude or seem gift grabby in any way to mine either. Two etiquette questions:
1) Who to invite: I don’t know if it’s rude to have invited someone to my 1st wedding, then invite them (or not invite them) a few short years later to 2nd wedding when we completely fell out of touch in the interim. Some don’t even know abt my ex’s endless double-life secrets or that I’m divorced. My parents have requested that all family friends/their work colleagues be invited (again), which I’m honoring. I’m not as sure what to do with ppl who I was close to/working with, but am not anymore.
- Do I invite all of the guests I invited to my first wedding even if I (or my family) haven’t kept in touch with them?
- Do I only invite the guests who I (or my fam) stayed somewhat close with? (just the ppl that I’d invite to this wedding right now if the 1st weddng never happened)
2) Registry: My FI’s family/culture expect registries and they wanted us to set one up and I didn’t want to “deprive” him/his fam just bc I was married before. No registry info is going out w invites, but they want it up on website (not live or sent to guests yet). I’ve had several ppl (new guests and some who gave gifts for my prior marriage) ask me where we’re registered. I really don’t want anybody to think I expect any gifts and especially not ppl who gave or attended my 1st wedding. I made sure to keep every single gift from “my” guests when I divorced and my Fiance and I will enjoy them greatly. I’ve thought of a few options, but don’t know which are most polite/appropriate to my guests and also fair to my FI/his fam/his guests. We have a website set up where I can specify which guests see which pages and I can send e-msgs to specific guests. What should we do:
- Leave registry page so all guests can see it and say at top something like “Your well wishes/presence are more than enough. Registry information below at request of some guests.”?
- Make it so only his side (or those who I didn’t know/invite to my 1st wedding) can see the registry page?
- Send a msg to guests who were invited to my 1st wedding requesting no presents or saying something like their support, gifts, and presents over the years are already beyond generous? or even mention how my Fiance and I look foward to enjoying [mention their specific gift from the first marriage and thank them again]?
any other ideas?
Post # 2
I would only invite people you kept in touch with/are close with for your side, but I’d say that regardless of number wedding you are on. But esp for #2 or more.
I wouldn’t mention gifts. People who care about you and love you will want to celebrate you. I’d bring a gift and well wishes to a close friend or family regardless if they said not to, and regardless if it was their first or 10th wedding.
I wouldn’t say anything about gifts to anyone, especially pointing out to some not to give them. Just quietly list the registry somewhere
Post # 3
I think you are the bride and old rules don’t apply. You do not want it to seem like a gift grab but I would go ahead and register since people want you to. You can put the registry info on there and just see what happens. I think putting something on there like your presence if enough of a gift gifts not expected is a good touch. You will probably still get gifts etc. Congrats!
Post # 4
I would just invite the people you are still close to. You don’t need to “re-do” your wedding with all the original guests.
Also, I would register but not make any mention of gifts or anything. People who want to give a gift will seek our your registry, and people who don’t will hopefully get you a card 🙂 My Darling Husband was married 2 times before me (and this is my first marriage) so we had a big blow out wedding courtesy of my family, but I assumed that a lot of his friends and family wouldn’t be getting us anything and I didn’t mind that at all.
Post # 5
Give out registry info when requested. Only invite people you’ve stayed close with.
Post # 6
YouBeBoyAnd : Invite those you have kept in contact with and those who support you and your relationship. I agree with the other PP’s post and just let people know about the registry when requested.
Post # 7
I was a second time bride with a first time groom (weddings were 9 and a half years apart) and I just invited those who I am close to now. Some were at my first others were not. We did register and only mentioned it when asked about it. We made no mention to anyone on invites or conversations about gifts and most people just brought a card to the wedding itself.
Post # 8
- Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion
Our wedding website had a subtle link to the registry on the left side nav. I think you can just put a link to your registry without saying anything about it or drawing too much attention to it. Mentioning it at all makes it awkward. In my experience, it was my first wedding and my husband’s second. Some of his friends who came to his first wedding didn’t give us a gift and some of them did, but we didn’t mention anything about it. Just have fun and don’t overthink it. Oh and only invite people you are still in touch with.
Post # 9
As usual, the hive is being super helpful. I feel so guilty about any of this sometimes and can feel bad even inviting anybody bc I don’t want them to feel pressure to travel/attend “again.” Nobody is doing or saying anything to make me feel like that, but it’s something that I’m working through and just trying not to be weird about.
Post # 10
I say this with all kindness: You are overthinking this way too much! 😀 Don’t worry so much about what’s “proper” or what other people think. Do what you and your fiance want. It was a second marriage for both me and my husband, so our situation was a little different, but I get having doubts and concerns since you and your friends/family as guests have already been through this before. I decided to let that all go and just planned the wedding as if it was our first, because it was our first to each other.
I wouldn’t invite anyone simply because you included them the last time. If you have the kind of relationship with someone now that you’d invite them to your wedding, then put them on the list. If you’ve lost touch then it would seem odd to get an invitation out of the blue from someone they haven’t spoken to in months/years.
As for the registry, make one and make it available for everyone to see. Leave it up to them to decide if they want to give a gift. Most people prefer guidance with these things so think of the registry as an aid to them, not a command. We had people asking about our registry who had been at our previous weddings, and one relative even insisted we add something pricier to the registry since we’d kept it modest and minimal. They wanted to buy us something extra special so, of course, I obliged. Only two of our guests didn’t give a gift or card. One was a cousin who made a big fuss about having a year to send a gift after my first wedding and that gift never materialized, so I wasn’t exactly surprised this time around. The other was my husband’s absent-minded uncle who missed the ceremony and claimed he’d left our card in the car when he showed up for the reception. Again, not particularly surprising and surely not because they’d given a wedding gift previously. Unless you make a big show out of talking about how many gifts you hope to get, no one will think you’re being gift grabby. They’ll probably be so happy for you two that they’ll want to give a gift to celebrate.
Post # 11
you are waaaaaayyyy overthinking this.
invite who you want to invite and who you want to celebrate with you. if you lost touch with them, why would they even be on your radar to invite.
do a registery. registeries shouldn’t be thrown in people’s faces anyway. if someone asks for the information, tell them, because they want to know. don’t hide it and be coy about it. register.
also, let your Fiance enjoy the hoopla of his wedding without you having to be weird about things because this is your 2nd marriage.
this is a time to be joyful and celebrate with those you love.