Post # 1
Hello all 🙂 im sure these sorts of posts come up all the time but i really need some help!
my fiance and i have our date, planned a nice simple and small wedding. we are also saving up for a mortgage and my parents offered to help pay for our little wedding. BIG MISTAKE SAYING YES TO THIS!
they have taken over the whole thing. they insist on having their entire families from both sides there and have taken it upon themselves to decide all decoration, guests, cake, music (they have said the music i want is not suitable- swing and jazz) and clothing! Inspecting my poor bridesmaids dresses and criticsing them in front them directly (all my bridemaids have seprately told me they are happy with their dresses). Any suggestions i make are dismissed and i am told my ideas are ‘not right’.
if i try to discuss it with them, my mum laughs and says ‘dont you want a nice wedding?’ and my dad avoids all discussion and says i should let my mum do what she wants.
to make it worse- half the family are in bitter arguments/disputes (my fiances family and mine) which has resulted in a mad and jumbled guest list. Anyone who declines the invitiation- my mum immediately replaces the space with people SHE wants there that i dont know!
i just want my small simple wedding and none of their money, please, please help :/
Post # 3
I’d just tell them that you really appreciate them offering to help, but that you’ve decided you’d feel more comfortable paying for it yourselves and having a small, simple wedding.
I hate when parents/family do that. My parents paid for most of our wedding, but the moment that topic first came up we had a discussion and I made it clear that if we were to accept their money that the wedding would be based off of my and my FI’s wants. That as long as it fit within the budget, everything was our choice. It probably sounds a lot meaner that it really was haha. My parents were completely cool with it and agreed with the idea. My mom was still super involved in planning.
Post # 4
I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you need to turn down their offer to pay. If they have already paid deposits I would offer to repay them. Let them know you appreciate the offer but are feeling overwhelmed with their demands. Best of luck!
Post # 5
Turn down the money, plain and simple. otherwise, you are going to have your mother’s wedding. For the record I am a MOB and I think it is so wrong when parents pull this crap.
Post # 6
If you accept their money, you will have to let them plan your wedding. It’s their money, they can spend it how they like. This is a common problem here on the bee with bees accepting money from their parents and the parents taking over.
At this point, I think your only choice is to sit them down and say you dislike all their choices, it’s not what you were envisioning and you want to decline their offer to financially assist you and you will pay for your own wedding to have it the way you want.
Do it fast, before deposits are put down and invites are sent out.
Post # 7
Thanks for all suggestions: seems so much more rational when other pelple help 🙂 the only money thats gone in is the deposit for the venue which me and my fiance paid- have not had any cash from parents so far 🙂
Post # 8
Thank goodness! Tell them you’ll pay for the wedding you guys want.
Post # 9
@melmoon: You had better prepare yourself for some serious emotional backlash from your mother. I mean horrible.
You need to tell her in no unceartain terms that your guest list is decided. Also, because your mother might take it upon herself to invite people behiind your back, make sure you have someone with the list to block uninviited people from coming in. I’ve seen brides here whose mothers made their own invites to send.
Post # 10
Uhm, I’d cancel the CRAP out of THEIR wedding and plan my own, on my own dime.
Your mom isn’t going to be happy, but she HAD her chance to plan her own damn wedding, she can’t take over yours.
I had a friend in the same situation – her mom called all the shots, put her daughter down, tricked her into paying for more expensive things (mom wasn’t helping much, financially) and tried to undo every detail her daughter did to make the wedding her own (like renamed all the tables) Her mom put a HUGE strain on her wedding day, and we all knew it.
I wouldn’t touch those kind of control issues with a 10-foot pole.
And PS – stop talking to mom about the wedding details, especially if you wind up paying for this yourself. Mom needs to learn that your marriage doesn’t fall under her reign of control, and since dad seems to fall under that category already… your parents need to learn the very hard lesson of YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR RULES.
Don’t let them pay a dime if you don’t want to be subject to their whims.
Post # 11
@CakeyP: Oh your poor friend! How is she today? Does she resent her mother and her wedding?
I have a friend whose mother overtook her wedding and to this day she has regrets.
Post # 12
I would be honest and say that you can’t accept their help if they are going to take control. Regadless of their contribution, it is still YOUR day.
Post # 13
I see this happen ALL the time. Do NOT let this be your mom’s wedding. It’s your wedding. Cut them off completely, cut down the guest list, and tell them to wait for the invitation.
Post # 14
@melmoon: We had the same problem with DH’s mom. She offered to pay for our honeymoon, which turned into her planning our honeymoon (how weird!), when we told her we had already planned our honeymoon she got mad and then planned an alternate wedding for us with the honeymoon budget… Long story short, been there done that, and in my experience it’s best for everyone involved to politely decline their offer if you want any sort of control over how that $$ is spent…
Post # 15
@LuvMySailor: I don’t know, neither she nor her husband like to talk about it. The mom definately caused some arguments for them during the wedding planning, and it was only a few months ago so it’s still a bit fresh.
I mean, her mom even missed the rehersal, and she was supposed to walk her daughter down the asile (she refused to let the dad do it, or even for him to be invited to the wedding, which was unfortunate – that’s her only dad!)
I can say for sure that the wedding tainted my opinion of her mom. It was my first impression of her, and it was a bad one.