(Closed) Please help… FMIL problems..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t give her a key. It sounds like she is kind of testing her boundaries, and it’s time for your Fiance to set some. I would try really hard to stay out of it, this is an issue between the two of them and you don’t want to get demonized for it.

He needs to make it clear that even though he will always love her and care about her he is going to be starting a family of his own soon and that means that she will need accept some compromises.

Post # 4
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

oooooo… I would NOT give her a key..maybe you should invite her over for dinner once a week…like having a standing appointment.

I think your Fiance needs to talk to her. He has to set some boundaries because i have seen things like this get out of control QUICK!

Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@batwoman:  Agree completely.  For sure sounds like she’s testing boundaries as she wants to be VERY involved in your life together.

I also would not give her a key because, like you said, she can come over any time she wants and let herself in.  If you need help with the dog, etc., you could always hide a key that day.

I understand she may be having a hard time letting her son go, and while you don’t have to be mean about it, I would try to be clear that you two do need your space and privacy to make decisions, etc. by yourselves. 

Post # 6
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think Fi needs to understand your need for privacy and respect that you don’t want his mom to have a spare key. He should also be the one to speak to her regarding the issue. Not sure what should be said, but boundaries do need to be respected. There is no reason why she should have a key. I wouldn’t want my Mother-In-Law to be able to come in to our plave whenever she wants either.

This was a Kardashians episode, but I can’t remember how Kourtney and Scott handled it.

Post # 8
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

It’s probably gotten worse since she’s been laid off work. She probably has a ton of time and is really feeling the effects of an ’empty nest.’ I definitely would not give her a spare key, if I was in your situation. I think establishing boundaries this early are important or else you can get pushed around– at least that’s what happened for Darling Husband and I with my Mother-In-Law throughout wedding planning/early in our marriage. I liked what a PP said about having her over for dinner. Also, is there any DIY project that she could take on for your wedding so that she could feel more involved?

Post # 9
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ugh no. Definitely no key.  I agree that shes testing her boundaries and maybe even trying to send a message that she’s still #1 in her sons life. Unfortunately a lot of moms feel threatened when their son gets engaged. You guys just have to find a balance between reassuring that you’re not going to forget about her and establishing yourselves as a couple. I agree with the poster that suggested a standing “date” with her and also making it clear to her that stopping by unannounced is not cool. 

Post # 11
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@anonymous_01:  Is he an only son, or youngest by chance? I have gone through something like this too (my Fiance is the very youngest of 4…although he’s 28 so he’s a big boy now), and his mom had a hard time letting go.  She eventually admitted that was a big part of her struggle with me/us, and we are now on great terms.  Hopefully as time goes on it will get better.

Post # 13
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think it is strange she asked for the key.  I mean, I would love for someone to come over during the day and let my dog out while I was at work but only if that someone respected personal boundaries.  I feel like it would only be appropriate to give her the key if it was a decision you and Fiance came to without her being the one to ask first.  I agree with SapphireSun about testing the boundaries.  Yeah…don’t give in!

Post # 14
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First, no key. Not now, not ever. 

 

Mom is having some trouble adjusting. I can relate. Even after 8 years of living with each-other, on the other side of the country, we moved back and now live 1.5 MILES from my Mother-In-Law. Yet, she STILL drove ALL the routes between our houses to find the fastest one! She also gave us a stuffed animal which reminded her of my now-33 y.o. DH’s toddlerhood security object as a housewarming present. Be kind and sensitive that she is making this adjustment and include in your lives regularly. Help her understand that her family is expanding, not leaving her. 

But I can tell you that it’s equally important to set your boundaries NOW–if you don’t, she will continue to trespass and you will become irritated until your relationship becomes problematic. Set up the boundaries now and it’ll make your life easier down the line, especially if you choose to have children!

I’m also a believer in the fact that most issues should be dealt with by Fiance rather than you (if he can handle it–if he’s ineffective, then forget it)–this is because her attachment is with him and if he’s the one telling her that she needs to back off, she’ll begin to understand that HE wants to grow up and have his independence and be less likely to resent and blame you. So tell Fiance that he needs to gently but firmly let mom know that you very much appreciate her offer to clean and take care of the dog–and that you *might* take her up on it (although the idea of either my Mother-In-Law or my OWN mother cleaning my house is terrifying) for future vacations and the like–but the two of you would like to set up your own household and will provide a key for those occasions. OR, if you NEVER want her to have one (suggested!) then just say, “Look, it makes us uncomfortable to have our living space open to anyone but us. We’re not going to give out keys, sorry.” End of discussion. 

She can dislike this all she wants and she might mope, but in the end, this is the boundary and she’ll learn to adapt. 

Post # 15
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

DEFINITELY do not give her a key!  She needs to go make some friends or something.  Most importantly, your fiance is the one who has to set the boundary with her.

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